try not caring
by summerkid
Summary: I care that Brittany is in love with Santana in a way that maybe Santana may never be able to reciprocate and they will continue to do this stupid dance around each other. I care that I care about all of this stuff because I shouldn't. I'm a teenager and I am supposed to be selfish and only worry about myself. I care so much that at the end of the day I'm too tired to care...
1. Chapter 1

I never really imagined my life to go in the direction it has seemed to go but I guess I really didn't imagine getting pregnant sophomore year either. They aren't really kidding when they say life is messy and life is hard and life is unexpected. It really has been all of those things and then some so I can only assume that 'they' never went to school at McKinley in Lima, Ohio. Just saying.

It's junior year and although I'm lacking a certain baby bump this time around and have gotten my place back as head cheerleader on the Cheerio's I can't help but feel like I'm still trapped. Last year I was trapped in a stupid pregnant girl's body who lost all of her friends, her family and the only place she felt accepted was the Glee Club. The very club she had specifically and ironically joined to break apart. Funny how things work out sometimes.

Though I'm 'Quinn Fabray' again, whatever that means, I see things a lot differently. Maybe it's the fact that I bore an illegitimate child, lied about who the father was, excommunicated from my own family and Sue Sylvester or maybe it's because I'm a teenager. Trying to get back into the swing of things such as picking on Rachel Berry and ignoring Puck's advances which used to be easy and staying on top just a little bit higher than Santana appears to be a lot harder than it seems.

Now I find myself feeling bad for Rachel and her stupid and somewhat stalker like obsession with Finn. Being mean to Puck rather than ignoring him and rubbing the fact that I have Sam in his face whenever I can. Then there's Santana. Normally our bitch fights and verbal assault on each other would be like a breath of fresh air. I would clearly win seeing as I'm queen bee around here and she is kind of trashy or slutty not that there is really a difference. It's almost written in stone somewhere. Quinn Fabray is and always will be better than Santana Lopez.

In all honesty betraying her trust in me about getting her boobs done would have not bothered me in the slightest had this been last year. Last year I would probably hold it over her head and make her do things for me for a while until finally I got bored enough and out of pure enjoyment would tell Coach Sylvester about her 'summer surgery'.

But now, just thinking about doing something like that for kicks makes me sick to my stomach. Especially when it comes to someone like Santana. My relationship with her has always been an interesting one to say the least. Santana, Brittany and Quinn. We were never apart from one another. But once we got into High School it seemed all bets were off. There was a race to be the best and we were always in competition even if though when we were younger it was unspoken.

I used my brains and my femininity of being pure to get what I wanted. Act like your more than what you are and guy's heck everyone will want you and you will eventually get what you want. Santana used her brains to realize if you give it right away the quicker you get what you want. I'm almost certain she's slept with ever guy in this school. When she first started acting out I thought nothing of it because our friendship had ceased to exist at that point. But I felt sorry for her. I still feel sorry for her.

And now I can't help but notice how sad she looks lately. The fire behind her eyes that used to be her drive has now turned into this strange faded color of what used to be. Instead of being mean because she's on top and in charge she's mean because of another reason. It's stupid of me to probably even care or even give it a second thought but there's part of me that sees her being very unhappy. Rather than pushing people away with her cruelty to keep them feeling intimidated she is pushing them away to the point where they want nothing to do with her.

Normally she wouldn't care because she always has Brittany by her side. But, it appears as though that has changed as well. I'm not an idiot and I'm sure no one else is either when it comes to those two. They are clearly totally gay for one another. I can see when she thinks no one is looking how kind she is to Brittany when everyone thinks she is crazy or flat out dumb. How she looks at her when they pass each other down the halls and how they always make it a point to touch each other.

I thought that if I had someone like Sam, who is in to being the most popular, the most good looking and the best athlete that I could go back to the way things were before. But being with him hasn't helped me one bit. In fact it's only made it all worse. His obsession for perfection drives me up the wall and I'm pretty sure he is using me for his status. Which to be honest for right now is fine with me because I'm probably doing the same and this stupid 'promise' ring on my finger is just a tool.

I thought that if I became who I was before the debacle that was last year I could continue to float through my high school years without a care. But it seems that all I can do now is care. I care that Rachel and Finn broke up because he initially lied to her about the Santana thing. I care that Santana even did that in the first place because although Brittany is her BFF and she loves her she doesn't really have the sense in her to tell Santana when something is not right. Speaking of Brittany, I care that she is just in the relationship with Artie to, I don't know make Santana jealous or just to be in a relationship. That all doesn't make sense, but it doesn't matter, what matters is that I care. I care that I couldn't help Kurt when he was getting bullied. I care that Mr. Schu is sad about Miss Pillsbury marrying that hot dentist.

It's so infuriating. It's driving me almost insane. But I can't tell anyone. So I keep my mouth shut. I smile when I have to. I kiss Sam back even though I don't want to. I laugh when Santana makes fun of Rachel even though I feel bad because she really has no friends. I care that Santana uses this façade to mask her true feelings. I care that Brittany is in love with Santana in a way that maybe Santana may never be able to reciprocate and they will continue to do this stupid dance around each other. I care that I care about all of this stuff because I shouldn't. I'm a teenager and I am supposed to be selfish and only worry about myself. I care so much that at the end of the day I'm too tired to care that I care.


	2. Chapter 2

**_okay so i thought about not continuing this considering i only got 1 review... yeah, 1. but i decided that i do not want to leave this story unfinished. however, if it fails to do well among the readers i guess there really is no point in posting it is there?_**

**_so if you read it and find it remotely interesting review and let me know. because i think that Brittana from an outsiders perspective and mind is intruiging... so holler at me if you like what i have going on... pwease:)_**

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Last year, in the time of my undisputed popularity and undenied leadership skills, most of my school days would be spent touching up my lip gloss in between classes, making sure my skirt was short but not too short, keeping my pony tight and regulation status and never letting someone like Rachel or Santana getting the best of me.

This year, however seems to be turning into the complete opposite of everything that I was trained to be. Being picked to be the head cheerleader of the Cheerio's at McKinley gave me power. It was an undisclosed power among the student body and somewhat over the teachers and the community to some extent. And now, even though my status as head Cheerio has been reinstated it seems that my power has not. Sure, the title would normally be more than enough for any normal teenager but not this one. I have no clout, no final say except sometimes when Coach Sylvester asks my opinion which she rarely even takes into consideration.

My opinion is listened to but only because my voice is a sound that is moving through the airwaves or whatever. As soon as I'm done talking I am immediately dismissed. So today, as perhaps a personal exercise I remained silent for most of the day, only opening my mouth in class when being picked out by a teacher to answer a question. Apparently you learn a lot more in complete silence and keeping yourself out of everything then throwing yourself right in the middle of everything.

In English class I watched Rachel float through the lesson without as much of a hiccup leaving her throat. She sat there drawing doodles on her binder and fading off into some probably very loserish kind of day dreams. I watched her hold herself to stare ahead of her when Mr. Williams called on Finn and noticed when she shivered at the sound of his voice. If I were in her position I'm sure that there would be a few people there to comfort me and ask me if I was okay with everything. But it dawned on me that Rachel doesn't have anybody. The only person close to resembling a friend to that girl is Kurt which is kind of sad considering those two practically hate each other.

Thinking of that weird not friendship friendship only made me think of how Kurt isn't here anymore. Its strange how one person especially someone like Kurt Hummel can really change a world. Glee isn't the same without him that's for sure. No one is fighting Rachel for solos anymore or offering advice to her on her fashion or how Mr. Schu needs to lighten up and change his taste in music and ties. Maybe if the guys in Glee had done something sooner Kurt wouldn't have left.

Maybe if we had been more open about being accepting of him he would have said something sooner. Maybe if Rachel didn't dismiss Santana at the Glee girl meeting we would have had a better more efficient plan. If there is one thing Santana is good at, it's making people feel scared and intimidated. Maybe if Kurt was still here he could help Santana deal with her obvious girl crush on her best friend. Not that she'd admit it to anyone anyway, but still, maybe if he was here he would notice what I notice.

Maybe if I had become closer with him he'd still be here. Because then I could tell him that I think, no that I know that Santana and Brittany are totally in love with each other and they just need someone to throw it out there. Maybe I could be that person.

No.

I don't think I could deal with another Fabray/Lopez match anytime soon. Thank goodness Mr. Schu came and broke that up. I swear, as soon as that girl tossed me to the ground I started saying my prayers.

Its lunch now and I watch as Santana and Brittany walk in together. As per usual they are pinky in pinky with Brittany almost skipping through the sea of McKinley students. I can read it on Santana's face before I even see Brittany leave her side. Artie.

Without another glance Brittany dislodges their pinkies and makes her way quickly to Artie's side leaving Santana in the dust. She tries to act unfazed but I know her better. She just shoves her hands into her Cheerio's jacket and turns around walking out the way she had only come in just two seconds ago.

It's weird watching Brittany with Artie and hard because Sam keeps trying to tell me about everything he had eaten the night before and then about how many hours he had worked out before school. But as I tune him out I tune in to trying to read the lips of the weird new relationship that has formed within our little group of misfits.

Brittany is talking on and on about something that Artie clearly has no interest in yet, there he is smiling. But in the way you smile at a child when they are telling you about their imaginary friends or a silly story about unicorns and their favorite color. He doesn't look at her the way Santana looks at her and this bothers me. So much so that I must be making a face because Sam stops talking about himself and actually asks me what's wrong.

"Nothing." I respond with annoyance as though he has interrupted me during my 'stories', as my Grandma would say. He shrugs just believing me because he probably doesn't want to deal with it assuming they are lady issues and he turns to Mike Chang and they start talking about football.

This then brings my attention away from Brittany and her robot boyfriend to the Asian Fusion twins. I watch Tina watch Mike talk to Sam. Mike speaks animatedly about this play or something in football talk and Sam humors him by agreeing or at least I think he agrees by the way he waves his hands and hollers. Personally, I think Tina looked a lot better with Artie. To me it seemed that they had a lot more in common than she has in common with Mike. Wow they're both Asian. I don't know, maybe that's what she's looking for. Maybe I'm biased because, well, it doesn't make me gay or anything but I guess I always thought that Brittany and Santana were going to end up together. Sharing a cabin with them at cheerleading camp every summer would have anyone think that.

Getting bored of watching the Asians stare at my… at Sam, I look back to the entrance of the cafeteria and notice Rachel making her way in. It seems as though Santana has not left and I watch her scowl at Rachel and her mouth moves which tells me she has most likely insulted her sweater or other article of clothing or perhaps that she is freakishly short. Rachel jerks her head back, obviously offended and Santana chuckles in a snarky way before she fades away into the darkness of the hallway. Poor bitter Santana. Maybe I should talk to her.

The thought of talking to her lets my ears pick up on Brittany's laughter only bringing my attention back to the table she is at with Artie. It's weird for me to see this working out. I know Brittany. Everyone knows Brittany. She's kind of hard to forget. Not trying to be mean or spit my status around but Artie is kind of a loser. And not in the Puck, 'you're a Lima loser' kind of way, but an actual one. He lost Tina because he treated her like crap. Not that he is treating Brittany like crap, but he treats her like a child where as Santana, well, she treats Brittany like she's precious. I kind of always liked that about their relationship. Maybe that's a little reason why I still have a soft spot for Santana, not that I'd admit that.

I find myself getting a little agitated at lunch and I excuse myself from the table. Sam pays no mind, Mike gives me a nod and Tina smiles. I walk through the room with my head held high taking notice of those, many might I add, watching me as I strut pass their tables. My eyes fall onto Artie and Brittany and I can't help but notice how she looks lost. More so than usual. I tell myself to stop caring and turn my attention back to the entrance where I am heading and I see Rachel still standing there as if looking for somewhere, anywhere to sit. As I get closer I feel my legs giving way and I almost hesitate in front of her. I think I want to say something but my mouth isn't working correctly because what I say I don't really mean.

"Move it man-hands." I tell her and brush past her. She doesn't flinch because she is used to it and that kind of makes my heart break.

I try not to pay attention to the feelings I'm feeling and march myself right to the bathroom by my locker hoping for some privacy. But of course lo and behold one of my frenemies standing in front of the mirror.

At first she doesn't see me but I see her as she is blotting a small piece of toilet paper under her eye which tells me she is crying or is about to cry or is trying not to cry. The door shuts behind me echoing through the room and she doesn't flinch. I hear her sniffle a little before crumpling the small piece of toilet paper and tossing it behind her to the toilet. She looks at me through the mirror and squints her eyes, her normal 'don't look at me loser' face.

"S." I say to her as if I'm testing the waters but I know where I am. Right now I'm swimming with the sharks and I should probably get out while I still can because she is in her environment now.

"Q." She responds and though it comes out nasty I can't help but smile inside because she actually acknowledges me by name and not by preggers, tubbers or 'lady with the baby' as she had once referred to me as.

I move to a spot beside her, but making sure that I maintain a decent distance between us. I pretend that I have come in here to fix myself up by pulling out my lip gloss that I keep stashed in the waist band of my Cheerio's skirt. As I lean towards the mirror I can feel her eyeing me through the reflection but I try to stay focused.

I smack my lips together when I come to the conclusion that one can apply lip gloss for only so long before it becomes obvious that you are just biding your time and trying to stay busy. I slowly tuck the lip gloss back and opt for tightening my pony at this point and I see her lean her hands on the sink and turn her head to me.

"You know Sam is just using you." She blurts out as though she has had this information for so long that she can't stand keeping it in anymore. I don't look at her instead I look down my uniform as my hands pretend to smooth it out. There are no wrinkles because I make sure my uniform is regulation before I leave the house.

"Maybe I'm using him." I say to her and lean forward again to the mirror to check out my perfect eyebrows. She snorts as though that statement is the funniest thing she has ever heard. If I was her I would laugh too. I bite my lip trying to not say anything but this situation is not one that comes along very often and so maybe I'm feeling risky and indestructible. I place one hand on the sink and the other on my hip and twist to face her. "I think Brittany is using Artie." I flat out tell her and her mouth opens, her head jerks back and her eyebrows shoot up but only for a split second before she regains control of her facial expressions. She shrugs and turns to face the mirror acting as though she had forgotten that her lips are more important right now.

"Maybe she is who cares." She tells me even though we both know who cares.

I sigh a little too loud than necessary and she picks up on it because I can see her tense for a moment. I want to leave because honestly I'm a little afraid about being alone with an enraged and upset Santana Lopez but as my body turns to walk out the door it just as quickly turns back to face her.

"He's not right for her." I let out and she looks at me.

For the first time in a very long time she actually looks at me and I look right back at her. I want to tell her that she is right for Brittany but when my mouth opens to say just that a small squeak of uncertainty pops out and I quickly close it. Her eyes fall to the ground in that way that lets me know she knows exactly what I'm thinking because she is thinking it too. I notice her lower lip quiver which tells me that she wants to say something, anything and everything. But she clears her throat and stands up straight.

"I'll see you in Science." She says nonchalantly and turns her attention back to her reflection. I watch her fade into self obsession, perhaps the only way she knows how to not deal with reality and I turn and walk out of the bathroom.

As I walk out of the bathroom I realize that besides talking in class my only real conversation so far has been with a girl who has been trying to get me back since I took head cheerleader from her. A girl who goes out of her way to make other people cry in pain or just plain cry. My mind goes all over the place and maybe it's inappropriate after such an intimate incident but I laugh to myself. I laugh because I can think of something like that to be intimate and because that moment had made me feel close with Santana for the first time in years. But mostly I laugh because she and Rachel have a lot more in common than any one realizes.


	3. Chapter 3

**_wow! so thank you everyone who reviewed the last chapter you're all awesome. thank you thank you thank you:)_**

**_so i bring to you chapter 3... so lemme know how you feel..._**

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The more the weeks pass by the more and more I seem to pick up on. Since that strange and seemingly meaningful but brief moment Santana and I shared in the bathroom I catch myself being kinder to her. Like last week at Cheerio's practice when some stupid freshmen stepped on her back the wrong way I totally got Sue to rip the girl a new one. Unfortunately it kind of turned on me because right after that she said something to Santana about being weak and that's why she's on the bottom. So I guess butting my nose into that situation was not very beneficial for my new 'help Santana' campaign.

"What are you doing?" That voice comes out of almost nowhere seeing that I've been in my own world for the past couple of weeks.

But I'm not surprised when I turn around and find that the voice belongs to none other than Brittany. Her normally vacant expression is replaced right now with something that resembles concern with only a hint of confusion. I feel my eyebrows scrunch together because I don't know why she is asking me this, all I am doing is trying to carefully place my Cheerio's bag into my locker.

"Putting my things away." I tell her trying to be nice considering her disability of just not being all there. "What are you doing?" I ask her in return pretty much expecting some strange response from her. I notice her hesitate from the corner of my eye and her feet shift and her fingers play with the edges of her binder.

"No, I mean…" Her voice wavers and I can tell that this is most definitely one of those times that Brittany is lucid. I shut my locker letting my palm rest on it and turn my attention to her. She sighs realizing that now I am actually listening to her she is going to have to tell me. "You're acting funny." Brittany tells me and the hilarity of who this is coming from catches me off guard but I stop myself from laughing. I smirk because it figures that out of anyone to notice me acting out of character it would be someone like Brittany. No, it would be Brittany.

"I don't know what you're talking about." I respond almost with a dash of bitterness because I don't want to be found out. I want to be cold and heartless. The old Quinn Fabray.

"Yes you do." She continues and she starts to follow me even when I try to walk away from her.

I stop my attempts at a sprint figuring that she would most likely follow me where ever I wound up anyway. I look over my shoulder to her and then around as if me associating with her would brand me tainted. I roll my eyes, let out a huff and put my hands on my hips as I turn around to face her.

"How am I acting funny Brittany?" I humor her. And maybe she can help me because I don't even know why I have been doing what I'm doing lately. I feel like Rachel Berry stalking Finn Hudson in the hallways at school. I watch Brittany's lips twist up telling me she's thinking hard about what she is about to say.

"You're not picking on Rachel, you keep staring at Santana…" I interrupt her.

"How do you know I keep staring at Santana?" I ask her and then almost smack myself because now I sound like I'm gay for Santana and that I'm going into a huge gay panic. But I can tell by Brittany's facial expression it goes right over her head and she is actually thinking of an answer to my question. I feel my lips curl into a devious smile because I know how she knows. Her eyes fall to the ground as though she has just been caught with her hand in the cookie jar. "Look," I take a breath waiting for her to look back up at me and she does but she's nervous. "I'm not looking at her because I like her like that." She looks relieved but then that turns into suspicion. "She looks lonely." I tell her matter of factly then shrug and turn leaving Brittany to stand in the hallway to think long and hard about what I have just said to her.

I make my way to the choir room suddenly remembering that I am going to come face to face with Brittany in a few moments. Sometimes, I wish I would think before I speak. I find my seat next to Sam and it takes everything in me not to cringe when he smiles at me. He pretends to like me, sometimes I actually think he believes he does. But he doesn't. He likes the idea of me.

I sit by his side and watch as everyone else makes their way inside. It's weird because I keep thinking that any minute Kurt is going to come through those doors with some fantastic ideas for costumes for our next competition. Or some hot new song to sing or mash-up to make. But that day hasn't come yet. If this place wasn't a breeding ground for people like Karofsky then maybe Kurt would still be here.

As if right on cue Santana comes walking through the choir room door with her arms crossed and her scowl firmly in place. I once asked her mother if she was born like that. She laughed.

Right behind Santana after a few minutes come Brittany and Artie.

It makes me wonder. If Kurt never had problems with Karofsky or any of the other stupid meat head guys at this school would everyone have just accepted him? We all obviously did, minus Santana's blatant homophobic slurs of course and gay jokes. But most of the times I think she does stuff like that to protect herself. If this wasn't a place where she had to be mean to be safe maybe she'd be happy. Happy with herself and happy with Brittany.

I look over to the blonde girl with her stupid boyfriend and can't help but notice Santana watching them from her seat in the back row. Her eyes are so sad it kind of makes my stomach churn. I find that you can tell a lot about a person just through their eyes. I found out a lot of useless knowledge during my secret and personal vow of silence that one day a couple of weeks ago.

Mr. Schu walks in disturbing my inner monologue of how deep and emotional Santana's eyes are, perhaps it's for the best. Rachel does her best to seem more than happy to dispense solo advice to Santana even though she killed it at sectionals. Santana placates her sarcastically and Brittany smirks to herself as Santana speaks. Artie is completely oblivious to why Brittany is smirking he's too busy trying to move his hand higher on her thigh. Perv.

Finn doesn't notice that every song Rachel suggests has the word 'sorry' or 'we' in the title simply nodding every time someone says anything to him. Mercedes sits there looking mopey because of Kurt's absence and I feel like I could be there for her but I honestly don't know what to say. I've never been the one to be comforting.

My vision goes out of focus, just for a split second but its long enough. Santana sees me staring in her direction and shoots me a questioning glare. I try and shake my head acting as though I had been dazing out, which I kind of was, but not really. And it's not like she will believe me anyway especially after the bathroom almost crying incident. So for the rest of practice I had to refrain from looking in her direction.

Mr. Schu ends Glee and Sam tells me he has to go work off that bag of chips he had at lunch. He goes to kiss me on the lips but I move at the last second so his lips hit my cheek. I smile politely and wave him off and turn to get the rest of my stuff from under my chair. I hear every one scatter out on the floor and towards the door until I hear their voices fade into the hallway.

"What's your deal Fabray?" I hear from behind me, perhaps a theme for today especially considering the two people who feel the need to be asking me questions. When I look up and over my shoulder I find Santana standing behind me with her arms crossed over her chest, so very Santana-like. I stand up and turn to face her pulling my books to my chest.

"Umm?" I hum out perhaps playing dumb will buy me some time. I quirk an eyebrow for good measure and try and go to move past her but she steps in front of me.

"Don't play cute little cheerleader with me." She tells me and her voice is low which only informs me that this is serious and I am not to mess with her right now. So I decide that responding with 'no that's what you have Brittany for' wouldn't really be the best idea and I bite my tongue. "I know you're up to something." Her eyebrows go up in an accusing way and I do my best not to laugh.

"I'm really not." I assure her and once again step to the side to walk by her but she moves again making that plan impossible to carry out. "What is your problem Santana?" I ask louder than I had intended but this whole bad cop situation she is trying to pull is getting old fast.

"Me? You're the one who is acting all stepford wife." She tells me and I can feel my head jerk back because I'm pretty sure that was an insult. "It's very creepy." I watch her uncross her arms and tighten her ponytail trying to act like she doesn't care about anything and that she is just trying to riel me up.

"Well you acting like you care is creeping me out." I say and I instantly regret it as the words fall from my mouth. Her arms fall to her side and once again she is rendered speechless. Yes my intention but not by how I had done it. I shake my head at myself and loosen my grip on my books. "I'm sorry that was uncalled for." It's true and she is taken aback by my statement as much as I am. I look over her shoulder half expecting Brittany to be there because, well, she is always right there with Santana. But then I remember that since Artie, Santana's been kind of a loner.

I see her lip quiver, the same way it did in the bathroom a few weeks ago. She knows I notice so she looks down to her hands that are now hanging in front of her. It's so quiet between us I'm pretty sure if I concentrate hard enough I can hear the ticking of the clock. She clears her throat bringing my attention back up to her brown eyes that are so sad the Lifetime channel could probably develop a movie around them.

"So, I was thinking," She starts and I see a grin starting to form on her face which makes me skeptical on her thinking. "I don't know if I trust this whole boy on boy school Kurt is going to now." She tells me and shifts her feet from side to side. "I think we should go scope it out and make sure he gets in with the wrong crowd." I let out a laugh.

"Don't you mean not get in with the wrong crowd?" I correct her and she arches one of her eyebrows at me.

"Definitely not." She clarifies which makes me shake my head at her and laugh a little more.

I agree to tag along. Mission Kurt/maybe help Santana see that gay is okay in full effect.


	4. Chapter 4

**_sorry so long and no update... but have no fear chapter 4 is here!:)_**

**_i also just finished another part to this today, granted its a later chapter but i just wanted to let you know how excited i am about the way this is coming out:) i'm such a loser getting excited about my own work, but hey someone's got to be right._**

**_anywho enjoy the fruits of my labor:) and review!_**

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The drive to Dalton Academy was longer than I had expected and a lot longer than I appreciated. I probably should have expected this not to go as planned especially when we had gotten into her car. As soon as I got in it was like my eyes were immediately drawn to the dashboard in front of me. Right next to that little spot where it says 'airbag' are two little letter stickers placed perfectly next to each other.

'B S'

I can only assume that Brittany is the one who put them there, seeing as anyone else would automatically see it and say 'bullshit'. But to Brittany, seeing the letters 'b' and 's' next to each other, well, she would automatically say 'Brittany and Santana' without a second thought. When I saw it I quickly felt as though I had seen something I wasn't supposed to.

Instantly I found the need to avert my eyes and I was so not willing to look in Santana's direction in fear of being caught so I had no choice but to look out the window. It seems as though my practice of being silent as of late is proving to be a barrier in real life situations. It's like I have forgotten to be a real person.

I hear that sound people's mouths make when they open it but no words come out and my eyes move but my head stays still towards the window and I watch Santana close her mouth. She lets out a low sigh and clears her throat making me wonder if she were planning on actually having a conversation on our way there. With me taking on my own silent oath I forget how to start conversations, the most talking I have done is toss some crude lines at Rachel and even then I immediately regret it. So I can only imagine what I would regret saying if I had to actually start a conversation up with Santana.

"Thanks for coming with me." She says and it breaks me out of my own thoughts of what the conversation starter was going to be or if there was even going to be one. I look to her and I nod and smile my typical Quinn Fabray smile that I'm honestly sick of. "I don't really know why I'm going." Her voice is low, almost as though it was a thought that accidentally spilled out through her body to her mouth and over her lips. I tilt my head wondering the exact thing though.

Truth be told for the past couple of weeks I haven't been able to help myself but think of Kurt considering the private investigator situation I have thrown myself into. I keep thinking about whether or not he has seen the things I have only recently been picking up on and what his thoughts are on the subject. I remember that right before he left us I had overheard a random conversation he had been having with Mercedes about the couples in Glee and how he had wished for some kind of fairytale story of his own.

I remember thinking about how wonderful it would be for him to meet someone at McKinley and this way he wouldn't be alone. Which I also find a little odd, because he wasn't alone. Yes alone in a sense of the word but not literally alone. We all had his back, but I guess in the end it's not what he was really looking for.

"Yeah, I was kind of thinking the same thing." I sigh letting myself relax a bit now that she has broken the ice. I see her lips turn into a smirk and she lets out a tiny little laugh that sounds more like a snort than a laugh. "I mean, I know why I'm going."

"Why?" She asks so quickly I had almost forgotten what I had said and then I remembered and then I realized I can't tell her. Oh yeah Santana my reason for wanting to go see Kurt is to talk about how you and your best friend are totally…

"I miss him." I tell her because it's true. "Glee isn't the same without him. I totally like him better than Rachel." I shrug considering the truth to my statement. I look over at her and she nods seemingly in agreement.

"Ever since Kurt's dad got sick I just kind of, felt bad for him." Her hands grip the wheel tighter and she shifts in her seat as if to make herself taller. I think it's because she feels uncomfortable talking about 'feelings' and other people in nice ways. "He lost his mom and almost lost his dad and then this Karofsky crap." She glances at me for a moment, it's brief but it's appreciated that she acknowledges my existence in her vicinity. "I wish I did something, nice, or whatever for him. He's actually a good guy." She says the last part a little quieter as if to keep it a secret that she actually likes the kid. Santana, even in the privacy of her own car feels the need to keep her walls up.

"He really is." I nod in agreement. I wonder how the mood of the car's cabin would change if I threw out there that I think had Karofsky not been an issue how good of an influence he would be on others who aren't comfortable with themselves. But I know that my tone of voice would give away the fact that I would be talking about her, so I feel it's best to now be quiet until she starts to talk again.

The quiet takes over once more and we drive the rest of the way to Dalton Academy in silence with the occasional song playing faintly in the background of our non-conversation. By the time we pull up most of the students cars have pulled away and the only ones left I would assume are for the Warblers and others perhaps teachers cars.

Without the slightest idea of where to go we figure walking through the large doors with the school's name on it is our best bet. Of course when we walk into an all boy's school in our Cheerio's uniforms we are greeted with several looks, whistling and a lot of gawking. I look to Santana in hopes that she will bestow upon me her master plan of finding one Kurt Hummel. But when I look to her I find her looking oddly out of place. Her eyes are glassy as she looks around at the very prestigious school that is so clean, nicely decorated and very much decked out with a not so modest trophy case that Sue Sylvester would drool over.

After a little while of acquainting ourselves with the strange new school we stumbled upon a group of boys in what I would assume is a teachers' lounge, but for students. I wait for Santana to do what she normally does step up to a group of boys toss around her sexual prowess for answers and then turn on her heels letting them eat her dust of sex fueled aggression hidden by sarcasm and a bitchy cheerleader attitude. But she doesn't. I watch her watch them. To me a normal group of boys horsing around enjoying each other's company. But I can see what she sees too.

She sees a jock, in his letterman jacket, goofing around in a friendly manner with a boy in thick framed glasses with a heavy lisp hovering over a chess board. The two other kids there are definitely middle class meaning friends with jocks and nerds alike and would be deemed untouchable in McKinley only because they serve a purpose for the higher class. And there they were. These four boys different in so many ways getting along. She is shocked to say the least and maybe in a little awe.

"Do you guys happen to know where the Warblers practice?" I ask interrupting the sound of reverberating laughter from the boys.

They look up at the feminine voice so different from their own and they all but trip over their tongues as they all move to approach us. I turn to Santana to share in a little giggle about how funny it is to see boys see girls as if for the first time and she does which lets me know she is still here on this planet.

They point us in the direction of two rooms the group would be in and then try to draw us in to hang out with them instead. I smile politely and decline and when I turn to pull Santana with me she all but stumbles back and I wonder if she contemplated staying with those boys.

"This school is like Hogwarts." Santana mumbles trying to keep her child like voice to herself but I so hear her and she knows it and we both break out into laughter. "Seriously, it's like magic. If that were our school there would be slushies involved and definitely pushing maybe even some blood." She points out and I arch an eyebrow at the thought of how our school is like a city alley way compared to this school.

We get to the first room the boys had told us to stop by and I decide to be the one to look in telling her that if Kurt is in fact here and sees her he might make a dash for it and then we will never see him again. She tries to protest this suggestion at first but then comes to the conclusion that I am probably right. So she stands behind me as I peer in and around the door to the room hoping to see that familiar face. When I look into the classroom I first assume it to be empty but then voices in the corner have me reassess the situation. There in the corner is a dark haired cute looking guy and Kurt having a seemingly deep discussion about something very exciting. The dark haired boy sees me first and he motions to me with his head making Kurt look over his shoulder. He gasps which makes me smile and then he points and with his other hand covers his mouth.

"Spy." He all but shouts and we both let out a giggle. "What are you doing here? Come here." He asks and then tells me motioning me to come in and he opens his arms for me to come into them. I open the door more and watch his facial expression change and his arms fall to his side. "Wait are you here to kill me or something?" He deadpans and his eyes flicker from me to behind me. I glance over my shoulder to Santana who looks the most uncomfortable I have ever seen her and that includes the time she realized she put her spanx on backwards at cheer practice one time.

"No." I say in an obvious tone that would be silly because if I'm going to kill you why would I have witnesses. "We came to see you." I explain and he smiles at me but sends a questioning look to Santana.

"Both of you?" He asks raising an eyebrow. I feel like he half expects Santana's presence is brought on by some weird grudge she has kept and has sought him out to pay retribution. I hear her regulation Cheerio's trainers move across the floor until they stop and I feel her arm brush mine.

"Yeah, both of us. I wanted to make sure no one was messing with you here." She tells him and then crosses her arms trying to seem uninterested and as though she was sent here unwillingly. I roll my eyes and look back at him and smile.

"You look handsome in that uniform Kurt." I say and walk up to him and fix his lapel even though we both know it does not need fixing. He looks to the ceiling and tilts his head to the side and slightly back as if saying 'I know' and I giggle. The other boy in the room clears his throat making us all turn our attention to him. I see Kurt's cheeks turn a little pink when he looks to the boy and I can't help but grin.

"Oh sorry, introductions." He grabs the boy by his elbow pulling him to stand beside him and he motions to me. "This is Quinn, Quinn this is Blaine." He looks to Blaine who is shaking my hand. "We were in Glee at my old school." Blaine smiles and it is the cutest smile ever.

"Oh it's nice to meet you, finally." He gushes and I now feel my cheeks turning a different color. "He is always talking about the New Directions and how you guys were his family." He nods and Kurt looks a little embarrassed about this fact being made public. I hear another throat clear but the sound comes from behind me, and then the sound of shoes scuffing against the wood floor and Santana appears beside me once again. I watch her smile at Blaine and then see her extend her hand to him.

"Santana." She tells him and he nods glancing down to her hand for a moment before shaking it in a friendly manner.

"Oh Santana." He says a little slower which lets me believe Kurt has spoken of her before. "Nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you too." She replies and it's so weird for me to hear her be so polite I kind of feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone.

We stand there for a little while longer than needed in complete silence.

"Kurt why don't you take them to the other room where we practice as a group and I'll go get us some coffee." He suggests and Kurt smiles and nods as though this is their home. I go to follow Kurt and assume Santana is with me when I hear her clear her throat again.

"Why don't I come get that coffee with you. Can't carry them all by yourself right?" She nervously smiles at him and he takes the hint of her need to walk around for a while even if it is with a complete stranger.

"Absolutely. I was just going to try and put one in my pocket but my last try at that should have taught me a lesson." He grins and nudges her gently with his elbow and she uncomfortable lets out a giggle and moves her body from his limb. I watch them walk off and wonder if they will have more of a conversation than me and she did on the way here.

Kurt grabs my arm and starts to walk me towards the door and down the hall to the other room. He points to some of the pictures on the walls telling me about the tales of the Warblers and how long they have been around. When we get to the room there is a long table and it kind of looks like an office more than a rehearsal area. He drags me to a couch and pulls me down to sit taking a seat comfortably right next to me and he sets his hands on his knees.

"So what is she doing here?" He asks as though that is the question on everyone's lips. It kind of is. I shrug because I honestly don't know what her aim is, I mean she said she wants to make sure everything is good but who knows because she is acting so weird.

"It was her idea to come here." I tell him and his head jerks back in that diva daytime soap shocked kind of way, Susan Lucci would be proud. "I know, we were in the choir room and she asked me if I wanted to come visit." I wave my hands to point to the room to explain. "And here we are." He watches me as if he is his own lie detector to make sure I am telling the truth. Maybe he thinks we really are spies.

"You know, the day after I told you guys I was leaving I saw her outside my dad's shop." He says softly and he looks at his hands as though the story is written on them. "I figured that she was there to yell at me for ditching you guys or I don't know make fun of my Louis Vouton bag that I know she so desperately wants." He takes a breath and looks to the side and I can see him thinking of the bag in question. "But when I got out of my tailor made jumper she was gone." He shrugs making it seem still a mystery. But as I am about to ask a question or put my two cents in he all but gasps as he adds more to the story. "And then about a half hour later Brittany stopped by and we talked for a little while which I thought was weird." He looks at me maybe wondering if I am on the same wave length as him, but I'm not and I guess by my facial expression he picks up on that. "Sometimes I feel like Brittany does and says things, well when she's all there anyway." He points to his head and widens his eyes and I smile and nod knowing what he means. "I feel like she does things Santana wants to do or I don't know."

"Well what did she say?" I ask because now I'm intrigued and I so desperately wish now that I had made this journey on my own because there is so much I want to tell him now that he is on the outside world.

"She came and said how 'we are so sad you aren't in Glee anymore. We are going to miss.'" He pauses pressing his finger to his lips. "At first I thought she was referring to everyone in the club but then I thought no because everyone called or stopped by my house or told me that day they were going to miss me. So then I assumed she was talking about her and Artie but he came to see me later that night and he said he was going to miss me on my own."

"I'm sorry I'm very confused and not on this Kurt Hummel track your brain is on."

"She kept saying 'we'." He explains and then as if on cue as always in comes Santana with two cups of a coffee and a friendly smile on her face.

"I really like this girl." Blaine comments hot on her tail with two other cups of coffee. Quinn and Kurt share a quizzical stare only between each other. "She is not only funny, but pretty and very charming." He adds sending Santana a wink who grins at his outgoing personality.

"I'm sorry funny?" Kurt asks in all seriousness as he takes the cup from Blaine who nods his smile never faltering. I raise an eyebrow because I am fully on high alert right now.

"Did you say charming?" I inquire because seriously, charming? Santana Lopez?

"I will have you know I have several more redeeming qualities such as those I just choose to only share them with certain people." Santana interrupts our questions and shoots Blaine a… charming smile?

We continue to sit there and talk about music and songs and nothing at all what I expected to talk about or want to talk about. I desperately need to get my brain emptied out I need advice or I need to dispense it or something. But there is nothing I can do right now in this mixed company. My plot to show Santana the not so straight and narrow path via Kurt's help is a total no go. I find my brain not cooperating with my mouth and nothing I think of sounds remotely intelligible or believable.

Hey Kurt Santana is totes gay for Britts lets gay her up… it just doesn't really work. If I say that I either get stuck at Dalton and have to change my name to Joe or I get punched in the face and probably permanently slushied by one Santana Lopez. This plan is not going to happen.

So I sit there and continue to watch Santana act like a giddy school girl as her and the other giddy school girl, Blaine retell stories of their youth and how similar they used to be. And it isn't until he reveals his 'when I was a gay teen' story to us that I realized perhaps my plan is going to work after all. This may work even better. Blaine can be Santana's Will to her very gay Grace.

Before we leave I tell Kurt we need to hangout outside of school so he can show off his fashion sense to Blaine explaining how great Kurt is with a sewing kit and swatches. He curtsies which never fails to make me smile and let out a giggle. I tell him to call me trying to be stern and we hug and kiss on the cheek goodbye. I watch Santana and Blaine hug as though they have been lifelong friends and I see a part of Santana I don't think I have ever seen before. She is smiling, and it's a real smile. Not a 'I just totally put chewed gum in someone's hair' kind of smile.

Then I see how she changes when she gets to Kurt. He looks at her, puzzled and slightly concerned and then surprised when she moves in for a hug. He hesitates but eventually he gives in and hugs her back. I see her move her lips towards his ear and she whispers something but I can't hear and I can't read her lips. I watch his eyebrows furrow and his mouth open a little and he is clearly listening very hard. She pulls back and looks to him and he nods in understanding. It's brief and would probably go unnoticed to the untrained eye but I see his hand grip hers and he squeezes it. It's short lived but I see it before it ends.

The car ride home is different. Instead of sitting there wondering what to say and what not to say we actually talk. She tells me about what her and Blaine had talked about, apparently she made it clear to him that no one is to touch Kurt because she 'knows' people. She tells me that he found her interesting because for such a pretty girl she had such fire power. I agree with his assessment and I let her know that and she chuckles. I tell her that we really should follow through with hanging out with those boys because they are adorable and then she tells me that she totally thinks they have the hots for each other. And I see it again. That smile.

"It's good to finally see Kurt actually happy." She says as we turn onto my block. I sigh to myself and smile as I look out the window waiting for the front of my house to appear.

"I know what you mean."


	5. Chapter 5

It's been a few days since the Dalton excursion with Santana and things have gone back to the way they were. I feel like I am becoming somewhat of a wallflower slowly transforming each day as I sit and watch. I notice that Rachel and Finn are talking again, but not in the way that would lead on that they are going to be getting back together anytime soon but in a sense that they are going to be civil for the sake of the Glee club. She's less mopey but I can sense the traces of it still linger in the way she speaks to others when Finn is not around.

Even though Kurt and I had made plans to make plans it seems that it's harder to follow through with having different schedules. When I'm free he is busy and when he has a moment I find myself trapped in the depths of school work and over analyzing social situations that I am not involved in. I'm beginning to feel like one of those old women who wear their house coats all day and watch their stories living through the lives of the characters on television than living their own lives. But I can't help it because figuring everything out seems so compelling at the moment.

I went to the library the other day to look for a book about personalities in trying to figure out why Santana is the way she is. In my journey of trying to be discreet about my search I stumbled upon the encyclopedia section which I didn't know existed and found Rachel sitting by herself in the room. I watched her for a little while wondering what it was that she was thinking about. Maybe Finn, most likely anyway, probably Glee club and what song she was going to sing but honestly these days she has got my mind going all over the place. One second she is back to her old annoying self and I find myself wanting to punch her in the mouth and then her eyes look so sad that I want to befriend her. I would never follow through on the latter, probably, so I tend to avert my eyes from the train wreck that is Rachel Berry and put my focus on Brittany and Artie.

He is talking to her over a pile of books just outside the room and she looks on completely uninterested. I wonder how she even got in here because I'm pretty sure she didn't even know we had a library. She smiles at him when he points out something probably not even remotely interesting and he goes on and on. When he turns away from her and becomes engrossed in the book I see her glance over her shoulder and stare for a few moments. Her face tells me she is longing for whatever it is she is looking at. At first I assume it's the exit door but as my eyes follow her line of vision I spot a dark haired girl sitting at a computer.

Santana is looking right back at Brittany her face unreadable. She blinks and I figure she is trying to will herself to look away but her body is fighting her mind and they continue in the stare off. I look back to Brittany and see Artie tap her hand and point to something else in the book. She hesitates but breaks her eye locked gaze from Santana and looks to whatever geeky thing Artie is so excited about. She smiles again and I look to Santana who looks defeated. Her eyes look to the ground at Brittany's feet and I feel saddened for her for a moment. But then her eyes meet mine and I feel like a kid who got caught drawing on the wall and now I have to explain myself.

I find myself in the desperate position I had just seen Santana in, unable to break my stare. She's looking at me as if challenging me to say something or make a face or anything. I thank God right now that I am in the room with a heavy paned window separating us. A sound from within the room allows me to break my stare and I look back to the table and see Rachel looking at me.

"Hello Quinn." She greets and she puts on a smile that she has been trying to get away with for over a month now. I force a friendly smile that we both know is fake and she lowers her head expecting me to slew an insult in her direction but thankfully I am able to control my verbal vomit from coming up.

"Rachel." I say in return and I catch the shocked expression her face takes at the sound of me actually saying her name. I want to be nice to her but there are so many factors to consider about why I can't do it. I bite my tongue in the area that has a ready quip about her horrible sense of fashion, how she is a loser, looks like a drag queen or something similarly crude. I clear my throat and move to the table and take a seat across from her. "Are you okay?" I ask and I am even more surprised than she is at this point. Because even though I have been secretly wondering how she is doing I've never thought to verbalize my thoughts in such a way to make it seem like I actually care. She looks around almost like she is waiting for Ashton Kutcher to pop out and tell her she is being punk'd. "I kind of asked you a question." I interrupt her thoughts of possibly trying to flee and she looks taken aback by my aggressive tone.

"Oh, yeah, umm… I'm fine I guess." She tells me and we both know that's a cop out and that she is desperately only trying to bide her time by avoiding being open not wanting to be made fun of for opening up to me. I shoot her a look that lets her know I'm on to her game of being vague.

"Look, we're not friends." I let her know that if I'm being friendly it's strictly on a teammate plain and that's all. Maybe I didn't say that exactly but I assume she understands the condition of verbal communication between us. "But watching you pretend to be okay about everything that has gone on is bordering on exhausting." I sigh for effect and she sits up a little straighter. "You and Finn are doing this very uncomfortable dance that divorced couples do who work together. It's kind of unnerving for everyone to witness." I fidget in my chair to get the point across that it is unsettling to even talk about it.

"I'm not going to lie the situation between Finn and I is uncomfortable for me as much as it is for the rest of you. But I think it's for the best of the Glee club if we put our best foot forward and try to maintain a kind working relationship because that is what we have. A working relationship. I for one would hate to see that all the hard work we have all done to get where we are would simply crumble and fall apart because the power couple of the club that no longer are can't be friendly towards each other for the team." She rambles and I surprisingly listen to everything she says.

It makes me think about the other power couple that's problems are seemingly slipping under the radar. I look back up to Artie and Brittany who are no longer talking seeing as Artie is talking to Tina and they are holding up comic books and laughing. Brittany is sitting on top of the table looking at a very colorful book turning it left right and upside down. I notice Rachel shift in her chair and she looks over her shoulder to see what I am looking at.

"They are cute together." She sighs looking longer than I had expected her to. I feel my eyebrows scrunch together and I do not approve her statement, I guess I don't see it.

"Really?" I ask as though she just told me she likes pickles on peanut butter and jelly.

"Yeah, it's kind of sad though that it didn't work out." She answers and her voice hints at something else.

"Wait what?" I question because I guess I was unaware that Brittany and Artie broke up. I look from Rachel back up to where I had been staring and then I see what she sees.

"I mean they have so much more in common." She says softly and I nod in understanding. "Well, they have at least one thing in common which is more than I can say for Brittany and Artie. What do they even talk about?" Rachel turns to me questions no one can answer in her eyes. I shrug my shoulders.

"Who knows." It's all that comes out, because really… who knows? This prompts me to want to interrogate Artie and ask him what it is about Brittany that he likes. Don't get me wrong there is really nothing not to like, she's Brittany. But he doesn't know her. I'd like to slap him silly and tell him what I really think.

Tell him that he is essentially tearing apart the two people in the world who were actually probably made specifically for each other. But that wouldn't help anyone out I guess. If anything that would make Artie jealous and super protective and never let Brittany hangout with Santana again. I wonder if Brittany would do that. If she would listen to someone telling her to not talk to her best friend in the whole world. I wonder what Brittany thinks about everything. Does she know how Santana looks at her? Does she even care? Why is she with Artie?

I shake my head from the memory of the other day and continue my way through the halls, passing and pushing through the sea of jocks, geeks and middle class alike. Teachers part the way for me as though I am golden and touching me would turn them to stone. I smirk to myself thinking that Coach Sylvester would love the power to turn people to stone.

When I walk into the Cheerio's locker room I can't help but roll my eyes at the stupid conversations being held. I have this rule whenever I walk into Sue Sylvester's domain leave everything personal outside. You can't bring your drama in here because Coach is someone who smells that personal desperation and eats it up.

I ignore the incessant banter and just head right to my locker opening it to throw my books and Cheerio's duffle bag inside. I turn to the bench behind me lifting my foot to rest on top and I lean over to make sure my shoe laces are tight enough. There's nothing worse than being made to run laps because in a split second you bend down during a routine to tie your shoe, just not worth it. Sometimes I like to pour a few drops of crazy glue on the knot to be safe.

As I contemplate whether this is one of those knots in need of the heavy duty adhesive my attention is somewhat distracted. Though my focus is still on the offending shoe laces my ears pick up on the sound of the quick steps of familiar feet. I hear a sigh which lets me know my assumption of who the stealthily smooth steps belonged to were right. I notice how abruptly her hand grabs at the lock on her locker and how hastily her fingers turn the dial.

I sneak a peek side eyeing her as I switch my feet on the bench just in time to catch her pull her locker open and lean on it for longer than necessary. She lets out a breath and the sudden sound makes me nervous so I avert my eyes back to the task at hand, my already much tied shoelaces. The rest of the girls are making their way out of the locker room their chatter fading out into the hallway.

Santana, from what I can hear, is taking her time carefully placing her books into her locker along with her bag and I hear her turn the volume down on her cell phone before placing it on the bottom of her locker. All the while she is mumbling something under her breath which I think is in Spanish but it's so low and practically inaudible I really can't be sure.

I decide I have been spending way too much time on my sneakers and turn back to my locker pulling the door open and checking myself out in the mirror. While in the midst of tightening my pony tail something in the background of the mirror catches my attention. I guess I shouldn't really be surprised to find that Brittany soon walks past me making her way to her locker which is across from Santana's.

I glance over quickly, because this has already been very awkward as it is, and I notice them lock eyes. Santana looks like she wants to say something but as her mouth moves nothing comes out and she looks to me instead. Damn, I've been caught. I quickly look back to my own reflection only to pick up on the fact that I am blushing furiously. I don't know if I'm embarrassed because I've been caught or embarrassed because these two have become my own little soap opera/project.

"You guys are going to be late." I tell them and then I close my locker giving them an unimpressed glare. Santana nods without paying attention to me and Brittany smiles and shakes her head.

"We won't." Brittany says to me and her confidence at that statement astounds me more so at the fact at how easily how she drops the word 'we'. I'm also pretty sure that Santana picks up on that as well seeing as right after Brittany is done speaking she slams her locker shut and brushes past me.

It's awkward now because I am not really sure what has happened in this episode of the Brittany-Santana show. I watch Santana turn the corner at the end of the row of lockers and I don't turn to Brittany until I hear the door to the locker room open and close.

When I turn around I see Brittany's eyes fixed on the ground and her lower lip tucked between her teeth. I want to say something but I really wouldn't know where to begin. I can apologize for Santana's behavior but I don't think I'd really consider us friends again. So my body decides by itself to stand there and watch my normally bubbly friend look dejectedly into her locker softly placing her things inside. I'm not certain but I'm pretty sure I notice her sniffle a little. It's hard to tell because in that same nanosecond she turns to me with a smile and we walk out to practice together.

With it being the middle of winter and all our practices are held indoors, which is what I can truly be thankful for. But I know that from that scene from the locker room this is going to be anything but an easy practice. Usually it's all pretty smooth for me to be here. I come in and stretch, get yelled at a little, watch other people get yelled at and then I go home and ice all of my muscles. I can come here and let my mind let go of everything and anything. It's been especially amazing for past month or so taking in to account my recent obsession of voyeurism and all. But all through practice my mind is replaying the moment just before practice.

Two Cheerio's in a locker room. Yeah well, maybe that is not the way to go about thinking of the whole thing, I'm making it sound like a porno even in my own mind. I try and shake the thoughts of everything from my head but in mid shake during a water break I spot the two leads of my fanatic staring and observing. They are standing in front of one another closely. Santana is staring at Brittany, her eyebrows scrunched as if trying to decipher what it is coming out of her friend's mouth.

I see Brittany raise her hand which I can only assume is to emphasize a point and in return Santana looks to her Dixie cup and shakes her head crossing one arm over her chest. Santana's lips move so fast I can barely make it out but it looks as though she said 'stop it Brittany', but I really can't be too sure. Letting my curiosity get the best of me I drink the rest of my water quickly and move to the water cooler closest to them in hopes of catching even the tiniest of words from their conversation.

As I bend down slowly filling my small cup I hear Santana sigh loudly and I can sense her frustration over whatever is going on between them. I hear Brittany tell her that 'it shouldn't be a big deal' or something along those lines or maybe not at all. Then she asks Santana why she didn't call her back the other night and Santana says something about Puck and then they stop talking. Trying to lean closer in their direction to catch the smallest possible whisper I hear the door of the gym open up.

I look to the fighting 'couple' because it seems to catch their attention and neither one of them look happy. After they analyze who it is at the door and decide on their feelings about it they look to one another. Santana has her head tilted slightly and is semi scowling though I can't say it's all fully towards Brittany. Brittany on the other hand looks upset like she now has to explain something to Santana. I look over to the door now really wanting to know what the big deal is I spot Artie rolling himself by the bleachers with a stupid smile on his stupid face. Moron.

I look back to the girls a few feet away from me and notice Santana's leg bouncing up and down anxiously and her mouth opens and shuts a few times as she slowly shakes her head. She asks Brittany something about 'him being here' which I can obviously assume 'him' is Artie. I'd like to know that too. It's low but I catch some of what Brittany says, something about him 'being my boyfriend' and then something about 'if you don't like it' then something else and I think she said 'tough'. I feel my eyebrows knit together kind of in shock at how my mind has heard Brittany and how she has just spoken to Santana. Brittany turns on her heels her Cheerio's skirt twirling in the wind her body makes and she walks away from Santana who watches her walk over to the trash can to toss her Dixie cup.


	6. Chapter 6

**_hola! i just love the thought of Quinn being a little spy like teen with a obsession with voyeurism lol... anyway... this chapter has a song involved. so if you feel so inclined to get crazy you should totally give 'Unfold' by Marie Digby. not only is it amazing but it's in this chapter yay! it actually inspired this chapter so i hope you enjoy._**

**_review and let me know how you loved it, hated it, liked this and that or diliked this and that... you get the picture:) so review:):O)_**

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Ever since those strange encounters I witnessed last week I feel like my eyes are playing tricks on me. The looks, the pinkies that slowly move towards each other in the middle of English after class and the way they try to remain casual about whatever it is going on between them as they go through the day side by side. It's like once that bell rings to end the day their friendship ends along with it. I'm beginning to think that my approach to this situation is all wrong.

It all started when Rachel came rushing into the choir room about Vocal Adrenaline. To be fair I was only half listening but I was totally paying attention to the important parts. Mr. Schu was sitting by the piano with Puck who had been trying to convince Mr. Schu to let us do a Notorious B.I.G. song for regional's. Idiot.

Finn was watching her much like everyone else as she animatedly explained their chorography and blah blah. I sat back in my chair at that point because I remember thinking how much longer she was going to be talking and then I heard Santana sigh and shuffle with something in her bag. When I glanced over I noticed her pull out her nail file and start going to town to make her nails look flawless as per usual when she became bored. I'm pretty sure she mumbled something under her breath because then Artie whipped his head in her direction and scowled at her. Like actually gave her a dirty look.

I really wish I had heard what she said because he looked so… fierce.

Santana seems to have these special powers because without even looking up from her nails she said 'what are you gawking at?' in her typical airy 'I don't care if you stop breathing' tone. Artie seemed to be taken back by her super secret powers of sensing his stare and that's when I saw him jump a little in his chair. He turned and looked to Brittany who gave him a knowing glare, like she was annoyed with him for something.

But that was the other day and now I am half way home when I realize that I left my Spanish book in my Cheerio's locker. I had been in such a rush to avoid the awkwardness that is being in the same room alone with the recently dubbed anti-social twins. It's not that I live that far or that it is that cold out but who wants to walk almost ten minutes home to only turn around and walk another ten back and then another fifteen home. Its times like these I wish I would have really taken my mother up on her offer to let me drive everywhere for practice.

Clearly not able to just brush it off and try and get Mr. Schu to let me get by with forgetting it I figure I have nothing better waiting for me at home so I might as well turn back and get the damn book. And now I'm thinking about how not only should I have taken my mom up on her driving suggestions but should have also let her buy me that ugly looking backpack she tried to push on me. No wonder people think I'm such a goody goody, well minus the bastard child and all, I carry my books like its 1953. All I need now is a poodle skirt and a 'pin' from my boyfriend to show off.

Thinking about this only brings my thoughts back to the exact reason why I was so quick to get out of school today. After Cheerio's we had Glee which is always relaxing, well except when you can't stop staring at the objects of your obsession and the blonde haired boy attached to your hip throughout the day won't shut up about his awesome abs. Sam has become something of an annoyance a stain on a perfectly good cardigan that just won't go away. A crease in your uniform that no iron can remove thus leaving your usually crisp look to remain not up to regulation standards.

This stupid piece of cheap metal on my finger has not only turned my finger green several times but it's a nuisance. Having to explain it to people when he grabs my hand to show it off especially when a stupid football player or puck head makes a pass at me. I think it's pretty clear we are together seeing that his arm is around me nonstop and he is always walking me to my classes. But this isn't 1953 and I don't need a chaperone through the entire day. I feel like I'm on the FBI's most wanted and he is like a bug in my system trying to catch me in the act. Luckily for me he is too self involved to notice my lack of notice when it comes to him. I find myself busy with my stories and he seems to be content to just have me on his arm.

I finally reach the school and head straight to the doors leading to the hall of the locker rooms. The door is open not that it is ever locked seeing as Coach Sylvester is here 24/7 sometimes I think she lives in this school. She knows all the faster routes and I'm certain she has even created secret passage ways because she is always everywhere.

But since it's only an hour or so since school has let out I'm not too concerned with running in to her. She's definitely bound to be in her office writing up new cheers, coming up with new routines and most likely trying to come up with a new scheme to take down New Directions. I think of walking past her office to check on my suspicions but I'm not all that curious to be honest.

I turn to the locker room door placing my palm against it ready to push it open, grab my crap and get out of this place for real this time. But as I push opening it a little bit something catches my attention. I hear something familiar. I crane my head towards the direction that the sound is coming from while also trying to figure out what it is. I pull my hand back from the door letting it close softly back to the way it was just moments before my hand had tried pushing it. I turn to face the length of the hallway and take a few tentative steps not wanting to disturb the sound waves making their way to my ears.

I start taking longer glides when I recognize the sound to be music and I'm wondering if maybe it's just Brad the piano guy practicing or something. I shake my head to myself and roll my eyes because we all know that guy is the first one out of rehearsal when Mr. Schu lets us go. So it's definitely not him. I get to the set of doors I reach first that lead into the auditorium assuming this is where the sound is coming from because it's louder and more distinct. It's definitely a piano.

I pull on the door only to find it's locked. Letting my hand fall to my side I contemplate walking the few feet it takes to get to the other set of doors but I choose against it. I turn around and head up the small staircase that lead to the balcony which makes me wonder why the hell we have stairs to a random balcony in a high school auditorium. But I finish questioning it when I finally reach the hallway of the second floor and get to the door where the balcony is.

With a quick look around I open the door ever so carefully because I do not want to disturb whoever it is in there. As I begin to pull it open I contemplate it being Rachel Berry on the other side. I would seriously not be all that surprised seeing as singing and everything that is music is her. This however does not take away my curiosity because now I hear a voice to go along with the slow melodic trance they are playing on the piano.

_What I can remember is a lot like water. Trickling down a page of the most beautiful colors. I can't quite put my finger down on the moment that I became like this._

To say that I am shocked at what I see would be the understatement of the year. To say that I'm shocked to see who I see, well, let's just say that no one would ever believe me. What I see is Santana Lopez, sitting at the piano, her tanned fingers stroking the keys with a natural ease much like breathing and she is singing.

_You see I'm the bravest girl you will ever come to meet. Yet I shrink down to nothing at the thought of someone really seeing me. I think my heart is wrapped around and tangled up in winding weeds._

I stand there completely awe struck at how beautifully broken her voice sounds as she sings the words. I'm not very familiar with the song but I am most definitely listening to the words. I step a little more forward but keep my hand on the door only letting it close a little bit because everything in this place can be heard like an echo in an empty cave.

_But I don't wanna go on living being so afraid of showing someone else my imperfections._

My throat decides on its own to swallow the lump that has formed within it as I listen clearly to what story she is telling her empty audience.

_And even though my feet are trembling and every word I say I'm stumbling I will bare it all. Watch me unfold. Unfold._

Her head is down as she sings so I'm not too concerned about being caught so I take another small step forward just letting the door meet the frame but still not letting it close. I adjust my hearing slightly to be a better listener when a different sound catches my attention. It sounds like we are not alone at this little impromptu concert and from the looks of Santana it seems that her intention was to be very much alone in this auditorium.

I realize this when I spot the place the sound came from. In the corner on the opposite side of the auditorium just out of sight from the stage but not from my perfect seat I see Brittany. She is leaning her side up against the wall with her arms comfortably crossed over chest and her head is also resting on the wall.

She's listening.

_These hands that I hold behind my back are bound and broken. By my own doing and I can't feel anything anymore. I need a touch to remind me I'm still real._

I watch as Brittany, from what I can see this far away, takes in a deep breath letting it slowly come out. Her lips don't seem to carry a smile but I also notice that her face doesn't seem angry. She's not indifferent but she's not… I don't know how to explain it really.

_But I don't wanna go on living being so afraid of showing someone else my imperfections. And even though my feet are trembling and every word I say I'm stumbling I will bare it all. Watch me unfold. Unfold._

Her arms fall down uncrossing them from their previous position and her hands clasp loosely in front of her and I can tell her body wants to move forward. Her front jerks forward but her legs don't move keeping her in that spot the shadows are hiding her.

_My Soul, it's dying to be freed. You see, I can't live the rest of my life so guarded; it's dying to be free. It's up to me to choose what kind of life I lead._

Just as I am turning my attention back to the performer on stage I feel my hand being pulled back which tells me one thing and one thing only, someone is trying to get in here. I can only imagine Santana's fury when she spots me up here and how much more angrier she'd be if it wasn't just me and Brittany who got to see her so open and wall-less. I try and pull back but I hear a grunt on the other side telling me the person is not giving up and with one quick tug they pull it open on me.

"Quinn," Rachel goddamn Berry. "I thought that was you." Her voice echoes off of the walls and I can hear that the piano has stuttered to a stop.

Once I hear that music stop I turn back to see Santana's dark brown eyes staring right at me. But before our eyes can lock into each other fully the sound of a door bounces off of the auditorium walls averting out attention in the direction it came from. I catch the door just in time it hits the frame and bounces open for a split second before fully closing. In that split second I see blonde hair moving at a rapid pace and then it closes and she's gone. By the time, which is literally a nanosecond, I look back to the stage the piano seat is empty. Santana is gone. I slump my shoulders and wonder if I should start making my will now considering that the hot tempered Latina is definitely going to have a bone to pick with me about this little situation I stumbled upon.

Now irritated I twirl back to face Rachel and give her the stink eye and brush past her clutching my books to my chest. I roll my eyes because I can hear her Mary Jane's hitting the cheap floor in our school as she tries to keep up with me.

"What do you want?" I spit out at her and though it's more venomous than I had initially intended I don't flinch.

"Nothing I thought I saw you standing there in the auditorium balcony and so I checked it out and I was right." She reiterates the previous moments like I wasn't there to experience it for myself.

"I know." I share my inner thoughts. "I was there remember." She sighs but I pay no mind because I have more important things to discuss, with, myself about everything that just went down. It's so much to go on but so little. Finally I hear her shoes stop abusing the tiles of the hallway and I no longer feel her presence next to me but that doesn't stop me.

"Why is Santana so depressed?" She asks her words stopping me dead in my tracks. My eyebrows totally scrunch together and I look around without moving much. "I know she doesn't like me, and well you don't like me and I guess I also know that you two kind of really don't like each other all that much." She takes in a breath and I contemplate turning around but I know my face will give away all the information I have been gathering over the past month or so. "But, okay I know this is going to sound stupid and tomorrow if I get slushied you're probably going to ask me if I'm happy that order to the universe has been restored or something equally snarky but…" She pauses and this is what prompts me to finally turn around. I want to know what she looks like, I want to know what someone looks like when they are worried or care or are even remotely interested in the well being of someone like Santana Lopez who never lets it be know she cares about anything or anyone. "She hasn't like, picked on me, made fun of my clothes, dropped a comment about Finn in bed or anything lately and well, it's kind of unlike her." She shrugs her shoulders and I wonder how sincere her worry is.

"She's probably got her period." I tilt my head and the way my voice comes out it sounds like it's the obvious answer but I don't even believe my lies these days. "It usually throws off her balance of bitch and heartless for a little while. All the emotions running through her veins I'm sure can be uncomfortable for someone like her." I try and reason but Rachel shakes her head which tells me she doesn't believe my lies either.

"For a month and a half." She challenges crossing her arms over her chest in a very diva like manner. "Look, like I said I know you two aren't the best of friends or friends anymore or whatever it is you two are but I figured I should tell someone." She takes a step forward looking to the floor with pity. "She doesn't have any other friends besides Brittany." Her shoulders shrug and her eyes narrow at the spot she stares at after she says Brittany's name.

"So why don't you talk to Brittany?" I offer with also a slight hope that maybe with a random party talking to Brittany about Santana I will finally inadvertently be able to help these two without getting my hands dirty.

"I did. I went up to Brittany at lunch the other day to talk to her about it." Her dark eyes finally meet up with mine and her head jerks back perhaps at the memory. "She was with Artie and like as soon as I said something about Santana, Artie gave a look to Brittany but she ignored him and though she was curious about what I had to say she kind of blew me off."

"Brittany blew you off? Is that even possible without Santana by her side?" I snort and Rachel shakes her head.

"I guess so." She lets out a sigh that sounds like an amused chuckle though. "Once I started talking about how Santana has been acting weird she kind of made up a really bad excuse and walked out of the lunch room."

"What was her really bad excuse?"

"She said, 'I think I just heard my mom call me from downstairs'." I can't help it and I'm glad I don't try to but I laugh so hard at this. Brittany is quite interesting at times.

After we both let out our fair share of laughter silence falls over us and I find myself standing awkwardly in front of Rachel Berry. I think of something to say but I can't, my mind is truly all a jumble as it flits from the concert is just saw, the secretive audience member, other than myself, and then everything else that has led me up to this point in the teen drama of the year.

I open my mouth to say something but I only let the air come in. I desperately want to sit down and just spill my guts to everything I have been taking in the past month and a half. What I've seen, what I've heard and most of all what I think. But my mind tells me not to be foolish. Rachel Berry has the loudest mouth in this entire school. You tell a girl like Rachel Berry secrets in hopes that they get out to the whole school before your free period so you can relish in your handiwork.

"I have a feeling you know what's going on, I don't know maybe its diva's intuition." She smirks like she knows me and eye arch my perfect eyebrow in question. "I don't expect you to tell me anything about anything but I just thought I'd let you know because I doubt you want a grumpy cheerleader at the bottom of your pyramid." And with that Rachel Berry turns on her heels leaving my alone in the hallway that leads to the balcony in the auditorium.


	7. Chapter 7

**_hi friends and lovers alike. yay for more story telling! holler if you love to read... well if you love to read Brittana fanfics anyway... holler! haha._**

**_i present to you chapter 7... this chapter i'm kind of eh about, but the next chapter is all set up and roaring to go. i just kind of needed to get some stuff out of the way, which sounds horrible like i'm rushing it and not doing my job (not that this is a job but i mean as a story teller:)) but i hope this chapter doesn't bore you or turn you off because trust me the next 2 chapters are interesting, well i think. but i wrote them so i bias._**

**_review:):)_**

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After that situation that occurred post school hours I guess you could say I have been avoiding eye contact with Santana like the plague. This conveniently works out seeing that since that day I have been finding myself looking deeper and more carefully into the other side of this story. I was more than surprised at the fact that I was not really all that surprised to find Brittany hiding in the shadows watching and listening to Santana. So many questions ran through my mind as I finally made my way home that day.

Did Brittany know Santana was in there to begin with or had she gotten lost and wound up there? And if she knew where to find her long lost friend, did she know what she would be doing in there?

With so many questions and absolutely no answers it only made it clearer to me that I would not be a very good journalist or probably cop for that matter.

But, from what I could come up with which seemed like a good idea at the time, watching Brittany would be a whole lot safer and definitely a whole lot easier. Well, so I thought. Someone like Brittany to the untrained eye appears oblivious and for the most part she is but when it counts she is the most insightful person there can be. It would be shocking if it weren't so intriguing.

So I walked as she walked, watched what she watched and I tried to see what she sees. The mind of one Brittany Pierce is an interesting one to say the least. Where a normal human being takes a certain amount of steps to solve a problem it takes Britt double the amount. I used to think that it was because she was so stupid, teachers called her special, and I think they are right. Maybe not right in the way that they use the term, but the word that they chose when describing her. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

I watched her as she pushed Artie down the hallway to classes him talking about something of no particular interest to the blonde behind him. Like usual she was sporting her vacant expression and if he had seen this he probably would have gotten annoyed, but much like Rachel Berry I think he just likes the sound of his own voice.

Later on during the school day I saw her and Santana standing at their lockers, which are only a few down from my own. Since their lockers are right next to one another's it is easier for them to keep their conversation at a bare whisper but I was able to pick up on some words as well as take in their body language. Santana had been leaning up against her locker with her arms loosely crossed over her chest where as Brittany was moving things around her locker, perhaps trying to look busy or something you can never be sure with that one.

"I don't understand why you can't just come." Brittany asks and her voice pleading. I hear Santana sigh out a long and unnecessarily long breath.

"You may think it's cool to be seen with the lower life forms of this school but I have better things to do." Santana declines whatever it is Brittany had been asking of her. "So just break plans with him and we can do something instead." I see from the corner of my eye that Brittany stops what she is doing and looks to Santana perhaps contemplating the offer.

"I can't." Before she can even say anything else I hear Artie say Brittany's name with excitement and then Santana is gone before he even comes to a stop.

I look over my shoulder to see Santana as she passes me and heads down the hallway probably having no actual destination except get further away from this area as soon as possible. It's when I start feeling bad for Santana again and less interested in Brittany's motives or non-motives or whatever the right word is. I look back to the spot Santana was just standing in to see that it is already taken up by Artie's wheelchair. I'm beginning to get annoyed in a strange way with the presence of Artie. Like I have this favorite couple on television and the writers keep messing it up for me.

He asks Brittany if he interrupted something, though his tone of voice sounds irritated like even if he did interrupt something he doesn't really care. Because it involved Santana and judging from the way he had stared her down a few weeks ago I'm sure he knows the somehow Santana is an obstacle between him and Brittany. Even if all three of them won't admit it. Though something inside me tells me that given the chance or opportunity, Brittany would come clean. But then again, if she really does have feelings for Santana why is she with Artie?

So today I decided to finally get the me and Kurt fake date thing to actually happen. I stalked him out via cell phone, his house phone and I even went to his father's shop to inquire about his whereabouts. Long story short I finally got a hold of him and I wait for him to show up at Breadsticks. I pull my bag off of my shoulder leaning it on my thigh as I search through the mess that happened inside and I triumphantly pull out that dinner for two me and Sam had won during the duet competition. There is no way I'm using this with Sam. But that's another story.

Kurt finally arrives with Blaine in tow, which makes me happy because first of all he has made a friend and second of all maybe he has made more because they stare at each other a lot. We talk of things Glee, I explain to him how weird Mr. Schu is being with the whole Ms. Pillsbury being married to the hot dentist, that Mercedes is good and she misses him so much and that I'm seriously questioning my relationship with Sam. Not wanting to go into that pond of crap I wonder how long I should wait before I spill all of the secret missions I have been sending myself on and what I have discovered. But of course, not that I'm surprised Kurt jumps on everything first.

"So Blaine said that he and Santana have become friends on Facebook." Kurt tells me and raises one of his perfectly shaped eyebrows to me. I feel my head jerk back because I'm surprised Santana even has an account because, well, she has no friends. Not that I am one to talk. For two people who run around in the popular circle we are pretty alone. I look to Blaine who nods with a guilty smile. "They've been messaging each other since you guys came to visit."

"That's…" I don't have anything else to really add to the non sentence and so I shut my mouth and shake my head and Kurt nods understanding my lack of speech at the moment. "What have you guys been talking about?" I ask him thought I'm pretty sure Santana is not tell someone personal things that is not Brittany. Especially someone she just met.

"It's kind of personal stuff." Blaine lets out and his face tells me he's sorry but he can't break a code of silence or promise of secret keeping or whatever. So much for my plan to getting answers. But at least plan get Santana a gay friend worked. "But I'm sure whatever it is she'll tell you eventually." He reassures me which only makes me send him a questioning look along with Kurt who eyes me up in return.

"Say what?" Kurt responds for me and Blaine sips his coke slowly looking from me to Kurt with caution.

"Umm, well I mean, because you guys are friends. So, I mean she will tell you." He clarifies his earlier words but I'm still all kinds of confused.

"Umm, say what?" Kurt repeats himself making Blaine chuckle at his ghetto girl accent but I can't be bothered with laughs and giggles right now.

"Okay maybe I've said something I shouldn't have but it was completely on accident." He brings his hands to his face as if to hide his shame but I reach across the table to expose him.

"Keep it coming." Kurt demands waiting to hear some more strange gossip.

"We haven't been friends in a long while." I explain to him without really explaining much. "In fact we had a physical fight in the hallway at school at the beginning of the year. So, yeah, no slumber parties for us anytime soon." I shrug my shoulders and look down at the straw wrapper I had been twisting in my hands.

"But you both came to visit Kurt at school, you obviously get along." Blaine points out and I am unsure of how to go about explaining the story of Quinn vs. Santana. It's kind of long but getting straight to the bottom of it, it's really not all that long.

"This is true." Kurt adds turning his attention to me.

I feel both of their eyes on me as well as the pressure of my knowledge thus far and this just brings me back to the beginning of this awful rut I've gotten myself in. Why do I care? Why am I finding myself needing to know the mystery that is Santana and her feelings if the two even go together? Why do I want to understand the whacky world of Brittany's mind and the actual intentions of her stupid robotically misogynistic boyfriend? It's getting to that point where it becomes exhausting to know so much and nothing at all.

"Can I tell you guys something?" I ask them interrupting a possible conversation they were having with either each other or with me, I can't be too certain seeing as I was in my own mind. They nod giving me the go ahead on telling them 'something'. "Here's the thing and maybe it's weird but just listen and then ask questions or dispense advice." They look to one another as if agreeing on keeping quiet and nod to each other before nodding to me.

I take a deep breath trying to think of where to begin. I tilt my head one way thinking of a topic but then tilt my head to the other side as a different more specific topic comes to mind. Clearly I'm indecisive because I keep doing those motions and thinking different thoughts.

"I first want to start off by explaining my actions." I begin wanting to clear my name if anything should be used against me.

I go on to tell them about how I have been finding myself people watching and that certain 'people' had caught my eye and I have been unable to resist trying to understand them more. They completely understand telling me I don't need to explain people watching because it's one of their favorite hobbies. This puts me at ease, but only slightly.

I tell Kurt that me and Santana used to be really good friends when we were younger and that since high school we had just seemed to slip away from one another. That it wasn't something I chose or maybe even something that she had chose but it just happen to choose us. We were inadvertently put in a situation that pinned us against each other. That since watching her interactions with her best friend of forever, I have been wanting to become her friend again because she looks so lonely. This is the point of my long rant where I take notice to Blaine, that when I express Santana's obvious loneliness he lowers his eyes to his drink and his head dips a little as though nodding to me in confirmation.

But I don't call him out on that because I don't want him to feel as though he has betrayed Santana's trust in any way. Maybe she can't talk to me, well yet as Blaine had accidentally let slip out, but at least she can talk to someone and that is all I want. Why? I don't know, I guess I do miss her and want to start our friendship up again.

I go on about how I saw them in the library, then at Cheerio's practice, how I almost walked in on Santana crying or maybe she wasn't no one will ever know the truth and the way I see her looking at Brittany when she doesn't know. Kurt the whole while nods to my words and Blaine sits their letting me speak but trying his best to show no reaction to any of what I say.

"Please by the way do not tell her I have been stalking her with my eyes." I beg of him and the boys laugh and he assures me that my secret is safe with him. That it kind of makes him feel a bit relieved that she has someone keeping an eye on her at this time, though he catches himself and tells me that that is all he can give me for right now. So I don't push it.

So then I go on and explain the way it seems their friendship ends when the bell rings and that whenever Artie is around Santana makes it a point to leave or be as far away as possible. Kurt makes a joke about an imagine if Santana and Artie get teamed up for a lesson in Glee making the two of us widen our eyes at the mere thought of them working together alone.

Then finally I describe the scene I had witnessed but a week or two ago in the auditorium. How I had stumbled upon Santana playing the piano and singing that sad song about being sad and that I totally saw Brittany in the back watching her. Then how Rachel completely ruined me being all stealth and then Brittany left and so did Santana.

"It was amazingly beautiful and so depressing all at the same time." I sigh looking across the table to the two boys who have just listened to me rant for the past hour about someone else's life, not even my own. "I never really though those two feelings could go together but," I shrug because it's depressing. "I guess they go together perfectly."

"That's love." Kurt sighs leaning his chin into his hand.

"Santana is totally gay for Brittany." I insist and Kurt smirks nodding his head.

"She sure is." He replies and looks over to Blaine who tries not to make eye contact with either one of us. "And Brittany for Santana." He adds and I bite my lip wanting to nod my head to go along with him.

"Then why is she with Artie?" I challenge tilting my head because I seriously still can't get a grasp on that.

"If anyone knows its Santana." Kurt says and it sounds like it's a thought that has spilled out of his mouth but I go with it, because he is probably right.

Feeling bad that Blaine has not been able to take part in our conversation much we change the topic. So we sit there for another hour or so talking about fashion, music, I listened to them rate guys in a way I have never heard Kurt talk before and it made me smile.

Eventually our fake date had to come to an end and the boys walked me outside offering to drive me home. But I decline because I feel like cold air will help clear the muddled cluster of problems that aren't even mine out of my head. They laugh and we all decide we need to do this again.

And on my way home I do find myself able to rid my mind of a few things. But as I turn the corner of my block it would only seem fitting for me to run in to the very people that have been clogging up my thinking patterns lately. I spot on the other side of the street Santana and Brittany walking pinky in pinky up the block talking and smiling. Maybe they don't need my help after all, maybe they just needed to be miserable for a little while before figuring everything out on their own time.

But all of that goes out the window as I see Brittany bring her phone to her ear and the look on Santana's face. The closer I get to my house the closer I get to them and the better of a view I can get. I watch as Brittany speaks into her phone, her face neutral but based on Santana's face I know who is on the other end. Just as I turn to the walk way of my house I see as their pinkies unhook.


	8. Chapter 8

**_thank you all for your lovely reviews. they tasted delicious:) i was actually exhausted after writing this chapter. it was somewhat emotionally draining. which i'm beginning to blame on Quinn. when i wrote her in 'when skies are grey' her particular chapter, i was so beat after... (sorry total tangent!) anyway, so blame her._**

**_i now present to you Quinn's mind within my own within Quinn's... hmmm_**

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In all my years of knowing Santana Lopez I don't think I can remember ever seeing her cry.

In the second grade when she fell off the jungle gym trying to impress a smaller version of Noah Puckerman she barely winced. I remember me and Brittany were right there when she had slipped off of the monkey bars and landed and there was blood, a lot of it too. I remember she looked right up at us and shook her head at herself. She got ten stitches in her shin that day and she didn't shed a tear.

The time in seventh grade when she had to cut her hair really short because she fell asleep with gum in her hair and everyone tried teasing her about it she didn't cry. I totally would have. But she didn't.

In ninth grade she fell off of the pyramid and had to be taken to the hospital only to come back with her arm in a sling making her miss two competitions she didn't cry. Brittany and I did. But not Santana.

Tenth grade when I got pregnant with Noah Puckerman's child, she flipped out a little bit but she didn't cry. Not that I know of any way. If I found out the guy I had been seeing got another girl pregnant I would so cry.

For a long time I was convinced that Santana Lopez didn't cry. That she physically was not capable of crying. That maybe by some freak accident at birth she was rendered tear-less. I even went so far as to think that Sue Sylvester had issued her to get her tear ducts removed because Santana sure as shit has it in her to be the next Sue Sylvester.

All of the stitches, the bruises, the fights, the illness and other random ailments never affected her. No cheating boyfriends or misunderstandings at home or with friends, few that she does have never caused tears.

So as I sat there in Glee in the back row I couldn't help but feel as though I had seen one of God's strange miracles. It had gone unnoticed but virtually everyone, but I noticed. I saw. I watched as she came in through the door just as she would any other day with her arms crossed with her binder pulled to her chest, her tight pony firmly tightened and her skirt flowing behind her flawlessly. I noticed that when she climbed up the steps to the back row a few seats from where I was sitting that her eyes looked red. I noticed that under her eyes looked puffy. I noticed a sniffle.

Like a train wreck I couldn't take my eyes off of her. Even the fear of getting caught seemed to be worth it because it was something that I had never witnessed before in my life. Even the time I had almost caught her in a similar type of situation over a month ago in the bathroom, it was nowhere near as drastic as this moment in time. The sound of everyone's voices became my background music to the memory I was making in my mind. My eyes like a camera and its muse the one and only Santana Lopez the mood devastation and utter sadness.

I contemplated moving closer to my subject but everything inside of me forbid my body to move. The hands in my lap stay put even though my brain was telling them to reach out to her and comfort her in some way. So as I sat there and studied the object of my recent obsession I began to ponder the cause to this sudden state she has never been in.

I watch her pull out a compact that she had in the waistband of her Cheerio's skirt and see her try and flatten out the part of skin under her eyes where it puffed. Her finger traveled down the red skin to under her nose making sure she looked decent enough to the point where no one would ask questions.

No one would even if they did care. But the fact that no one cares about anyone but themselves in this school kind of lets her off the hook easily.

A sound from the first row catches my attention and I find myself looking over to where it came from. Down in front and all by herself sits the blonde haired girl I also once knew well. She sits there with her hands on her knees, knees touching together, her head tilted to the side but only slightly and her stare fixed on what I assume is a spot on the ground by Brad the piano guy's feet.

She looks lost and I wonder that if we all got up and left if she would even notice. I see Mercedes tap her shoulder to get her attention about something but Brittany is oblivious and eventually Mercedes gives up and waves her off turning back to Tina who seems intrigued in the conversation they are having.

Mr. Schu comes in and tries to get everyone's attention but of course it takes a couple of times for that to happen. He walks in the front of the room talking about regional's and how we really have to bring it this time around. I look over and see Rachel pull out a notepad and a pen and she furiously writes down a few notes and then her hand goes up so quickly.

"Rachel." He points to her and I can she him quiver probably nervous about whatever it is that is going to come out of her mouth. Probably another lame attempt in trying to talk him in to letting her have several solos. She stands up, clears her throat and smoothes out the front of her skirt.

"As you all know last year at regional's Finn and I had an amazing duet with 'faithfully'." She begins and everyone nods because, well, we all remember. "But, I just wanted to say Mr. Schu, if I may?" She isn't really waiting for a response but he gives her a nod to continue. "I think you had a great idea with the way we did things for sectionals, letting other people take the spotlight for once." She says and takes a step to the front of the room next to Mr. Schu and he looks at her as though she is a pod person, she just might be.

"Really?" He asks and his voice goes a little higher than I even thought it could.

"Yes. And with that being said I think that at Regional's this year Santana should be part of whatever duet or solo you have planned because, well, it's her voice that helped us get there." She says to him and then turns to the rest of the group. My eyes automatically shoot to the girl sitting in the back row with red rimmed around her eyes. I see a flash of blonde turn in her chair and Santana looks down at that blonde. "What do you think Santana?"

"Yeah San you were amazing." Brittany chimes in and her voice is so tiny it's like she didn't mean to be heard.

Santana looks from Brittany to everyone looking at her right now and with that she gets up and jets out of the room leaving us all very confused. Mr. Schu looks to Brittany as does everyone else assuming she is either going to explain what just happened or go running after her. She does neither. I clear my throat and push my chair back and without saying anything I follow the path Santana used to flee the staring eyes of the rest of the group.

I don't have to go far seeing as she is right outside the choir room leaning her head against a row of lockers with her eyes closed tightly shut. I walk cautiously not wanting to draw too much attention to the fact that I am checking up on her. I hear her sniffle and then I'm pretty sure she curses but I can't be positive and her fist comes up to hit the locker. She winces either from pain or the fact that these little drops of liquid are falling from her face. Once I get close I hear her clear her voice.

"Can you take me home?" She asks me without looking up.

"I don't have a car." I confess looking to the side for a moment. She shakes her head reaches into her pocket and tosses me her keys.

"My, umm, contacts I can't see so drive my car." She tells me. I open my mouth hearing my lips make that sound mouths do when they open and nothing comes out. I close and I 'mhmm' to let her know that yes I will take her home.

I turn around and go back in the room falling quiet and watching my every move. I go to my chair and grab my things and then shuffle over to where Santana had been sitting and grab her things. As I walk down the steps I feel Brittany's eyes looking hard at me trying to get my attention but I don't let up my straight line to Mr. Schu. I tell him quietly that Santana needs to go home and I am taking her. Seeing as there are never incidents such as this he tells me good idea and says to call him if they need anything. I try and exit quietly but the sound of quick foot steps behind me cause me to turn around before I reach the door. It's Brittany and she is looking down at the floor.

"Is she okay?" She asks me but she knows the answer to the question even if she doesn't know the reason why.

"I don't think so." I tell her, even though I know she knows I'm lying.

"Does she need me?" She looks up and her eyes tell me she wants the answer to be yes even though she knows the answer is no. I take in deep breath and grab my lower lip between my teeth and shake my head. "Okay." She sighs and her shoulders slump and I watch as she turns around and walks back over to her seat next to Artie.

For a moment I contemplate the awkwardness of that whole situation. Wondering if Brittany sees it from the way I can see it. Her friend, best friend, clearly pained over something they are going through, a lover's quarrel I'd like to say and her boyfriend is oblivious even though he is right here. I watch him whisper something into her ear and chuckle and she forces a smile on to her sad face and she tries to not look at me but her eyes have a mind of their own. I help her and I turn around and walk out the door.

I had hoped that by me driving her home she would open up to me about something. She sat in sad silence staring out the window until we pulled up to her house. We sat there for a few more minutes and I could hear over the waves of the radio as she sniffled trying to maintain control over her emotions. Her hand goes to open the door and I'm waiting for the gust of wind to come in and smack my face when she opens it hastily. But she pauses, hesitates, stops and she sniffs and then she looks in my direction but not at me.

"You coming in?" She asks. She waits too. She waits for my answer. It's funny though because it sounds like a demand, a need, a want.

I think about it for a moment. Our recent bouts of being alone have proven to be of no help to me, but seeing as she is now in a somewhat broken state perhaps I can get something out of it. A tid bit of information to help satisfy my recent obsession for the lives of the two Cheerio's who have currently been residing in two completely different worlds but on the same exact emotional plains.

"Okay." I shrug and put the car in park.

She leads me up the path way to her house, a place I used to know so well and a journey I had taken so many times as young girl. She opens the door and we are bombarded by the smell of home cooking. She tosses her bags carelessly to the side and quickly heads for the steps motioning for me to follow her. I walk a few steps behind her looking over the pictures I used to know on the wall leading up the staircase.

"Thank you." She says to me once we are in the confines of her bedroom and she takes a spot on her bed at the foot sitting there with her hands by her side as if holding herself up.

"No problem." I wave it off like it's no big deal. In honesty it's not, but considering our past, our present and our unknown future it really is kind of a deal of some sorts.

"I probably wouldn't have checked on you." She tells me and she's probably right. But the roles are not reversed. It's this way and not the other way and with that fact I'm content in my decision.

"Probably not." I agree and she looks down like she is embarrassed at the truth of it all. "I was nice to Rachel the other day too so don't feel so lucky." I joke and I actually get a little chuckle out of her which eases my knotting stomach a bit. "So are you going to tell me this time why you are upset or are we going to pretend you weren't crying again?" Her head shoots up in my direction and I am pretty sure I dart my stare at the door wondering if I can make a quick exit before she lunges.

But when she doesn't move I look back finding her mouth open and her brown eyes staring at me. But her stare isn't hard, it's soft and becoming more watery by the second. She clears her throat which tells me she is trying to stay in control of the water wanting to come out.

"Look you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to." I sigh because she doesn't owe me an explanation of any kind. I don't have anything to hold over her and even if I did this isn't something you pry out of someone. I smile the kindest way I can muster through my frustration and I move to the desk across from her bed and look down at the picture frames on it.

"What you said," She interrupts my musings of better times that are on display in her room and I look over my shoulder for her to continue. "About Brittany using Artie, do you really think she is?" Her voice is scratchy as if she really hasn't spoken much today and she just woke up and had been crying all night and day. I stand up straight and turning my body to face hers and lean against the desk propping my hands on the top to stay put.

"I don't think she is in love with him." I tell her flat out. Who knows what Brittany is doing? She could be using him, I definitely can see that, to make Santana jealous, but I don't know for sure. "I don't even think she really knows what she is doing with him." I explain further even though I don't really give her anything to go on. But I feel better getting it off of my chest and she lets out a breath that makes me think she feels better that someone else thinks what she thinks for once.

"Yeah." She nods quickly closing her mouth because the back of her throat is telling us both that the tears want to make a grand entrance to the familiar surroundings.

"What do you think?" I ask her shuffling my feet across her purple rug. "About Artie and Brittany?" She looks down at where my feet are and she blinks a few times her mouth not twitching or giving any hint of words escaping anytime soon.

"She's only with him to get back at me." Santana whispers through heavy breathes her tears getting the best of her now.

"Wait what?" I find myself blurting out and my head jerks back.

"We had a… disagreement back when we were doing duets. Its how this whole thing started." Her voice is getting stronger telling me and the tears are slowly fading away and sadness along with the tears are being taken over by anger. "And she's been punishing me ever since. And it hurts." She says loudly. "It hurts here." She hits her fist to her chest and tears continue to pour out even though the emotion is completely different. "It hurts and I can't get it to stop." Her hand hits her chest again and the thumping noise it makes echoes in my ears and her palm slides down her body until her arm falls limp to her side and she hangs her head.

And that's when it happens. The levels in the world order of normalcy shift and Santana Lopez breaks down. She's crying. Like completely all out uncontrollable sobbing, can't breathe, shaking crying. And I'm at a loss. Just from knowing her, I know she wants to stop, that me seeing her cry is not on her list of things to do. But she doesn't stop. She doesn't even try to. She just allows her arms to lay at her sides, her head to continue to hang and her chest heave with pain.

I want to move to her and pull her into my arms maybe shake her from side to side and tell her softly that everything is going to be okay. That I'm here for her. But I can't and I don't. From being a spectator for so long I don't know how to do any of these things.

So since I don't know what to do so I pick up my phone. My fingers are designed to automatically scroll to Brittany's number when dealing with a Santana related situation. But now is not the time to call that blonde super hero to her girls rescue because she is the cause of this inner turmoil that has decided to spill out into my hands.

I find I'm ill equipped to deal with this because there are so many factors to take into consideration. The main being that I have never been in love with my best friend nor have I been involved in a same sex relationship of the romantic persuasion so I cannot relate. So I decide to call in for back up, the flashy gay kind of back up that comes with his own sidekick. I call Kurt and tell him to haul ass to Santana's house.

"What's that sound?" He asks and I look from the phone to the maker of said sound.

I tell him to just get here and stop asking stupid questions while she bawls her eyes out next to me. We sit there for what feels like forever until I hear the doorbell. I remove myself from her side and bolt down the steps moving so fast and without grace I all but fall down the steps. I rip the door open to a smiling Blaine and a nervous Kurt and I reach out yanking him inside by his jacket.

"I should probably warn you, she's a wreck." I tell them and they nod in understanding.

As we walk down the hall to her room the sound of her crying makes me feel like I'm leading the boys to their death or a hospital room filled with despair. It saddens my heart remembering what lies on the other side of the door. Kurt looks to me, concern in his eyes and he stops. I stare at him shaking my head because I don't understand his lack of motion.

"I can't go in there." He tells me and takes one half step back. I look back to the door and then to him and then to Blaine and back to Kurt.

"She's immobile, inconsolable, disheveled everything in the world that's the opposite of happy rays of sunshine." I try and explain to him and he nervously crosses his arms like he is protecting himself.

"And this is different from her every day kind of persona?" He mocks raising an eyebrow. I have to hand it to him even in the face of extreme measures he still has his witty personality.

Blaine huffs at the both of us and takes matters into his own hands. He leaves us standing alone in the upstairs hallway of the Lopez house to go into the lion's den. We watch him open the door and disappear closing it behind him. I strain my hearing to pick up on possible crashing, yelling or any other bad thing that could happen. The only thing I can hear though is a louder sob which is muffled maybe by her own hands or who knows.

I look over to Kurt who looks a little scared and a tiny bit worried. He taps me and motions between us and then to the door but I shake my head informing him that it's probably best if only one person is in there at a time. We wouldn't want to lose the entire army in one mission. After about ten minutes we push ourselves off of the wall and look to the door that is opening.

It was one of those moments. You know, where everything moves in slow motion. Obviously not really because it's impossible, but that's what it felt like. It's rare moments that seem to flash by us so quickly we almost miss it but sometimes those rare moments seem to last so long and I never really understood why until now I guess.

Kurt and I stand straight up moving to the side and watch as Blaine comes walking out of Santana's room with her in his arms. Suddenly her strong arms that keep her up at the bottom of the pyramid look so small wrapped around his neck. Those legs that have kicked more freshmen in the shins on 'accident' look different wrapped around his waist. Her hair free of the regulation pony cascading over his and her shoulder as she rests her head onto him.

This moment was one of those slow motion moments. Watching him carry this fragile little girl, her head resting on his shoulder, her face turned into his neck, her back rising and falling with each muffled sob and breath. It's a moment no one at McKinley would believe. To see a girl like Santana, so hard on the outside with a venomous verbal talent fall apart like this. To see there is an actual person underneath all of that armor.

I watch him walk between me and Kurt and carry her down the steps carefully maintaining a steady rhythm of rubbing her back and an occasional 'shh' to keep her calm. When he gets about halfway down the stairs I look to Kurt and I feel as though my brain has gone to mush. I don't think I'm thinking of anything. He doesn't say anything to me either and we both robotically turn to the stairs following Blaine and Santana.

He sits her at the table in the Lopez kitchen and turns to the cabinets looking for something. I figure a glass so from memory I walk over to the sink and open the cabinet above grabbing one for him. I fill it up and hand it over and he brings it to Santana. She takes a few sips and her breathing could be heard at a louder volume from inside of the glass and against the water.

"Do you want us to go?" Kurt asks leaning toward the table looking between the two of them. Blaine glances at Santana who takes a moment but shakes her head.

"Are you sure?" I chime in. Who knows if our presence will keep her from opening up to Blaine like she obviously had been. She nods while taking the cup from her lips and placing it in front of her but to the side.

We sit in strange silence for a bunch of minutes. I don't know if its awkward, uncomfortable or that it's just new. Blaine I notice keeps his eyes on the Santana who is sitting across from him. Kurt and I keep looking at one another not sure if we are supposed to say anything, but I'm pretty confident that Blaine is in charge right now.

"Sometimes we do things and at the time it makes sense but more than that it makes us feel better, at the time anyway." He pauses but I'm watching her and see her eyes cast down to her hands that are carelessly placed in front of her on the table. "But then afterwards whether it's a second later, minutes, days, months or even years we realize that what we did or said or both is not what we meant at all." She slowly brings her eyes back up to look to him and I notice her lower lip quiver so I guess his words are hitting home. "And if that's the case we have to redeem ourselves. Fix whatever it is that we broke. It may take a long time to fix but it also may not be fixable." Her shoulders slump and her mouth opens slightly I can hear her take in a breath. "But you'll never know unless you try." I look to him and he dips his head to keep eye contact with her before she can tear her eyes from his. "I know you're in pain and I know that you're sad." He reaches across the table to take her hands. She lets him. "Do you love her?"

Her mouth closes and opens and closes.

It's obvious to Kurt and myself that we missed some of the conversation. But we are definitely quick enough to figure it out by now. And from the look on Santana's face she doesn't even flinch at the line of questioning from Blaine or the fact that we are here to hear him speak of this clearly personal business. Or maybe she's just too tired to care.

She looks to the side then to Kurt and then to me, all I can do is look back at her. She glances to the table for a few moments and I see her jaw tense, her eyebrows twitch and her eyes squint slightly probably trying to keep tears from coming forward. She takes in a deep breath and slowly pulls her hands away from his gliding them across the table until they fall into her lap. Her shoulders shrug and she looks to the side.

"It doesn't matter." She answers after some silence.

"Yes it does Santana." Blaine assures her and I feel my head nodding in agreement regardless of the fact that she doesn't see me.

"It always matters when you love someone." I tell her.

"Of course I love her." She sighs out as if the question is dumb and the answer is obvious. Which it is of course, but that is not how she means it to come out. I see her pulling the veil of security over her as I've seen her do it so many times. Hiding under it to hide her true and real feelings.

"Do you love her?" Blaine asks again making me look at him questioningly because he just asked her this and she gave an answer. It may not be the answer we were gunning for but she answered. She scrunches her eyebrows glaring at him.

"I just told you." She spits out but I can sense that right now the venom doesn't come out full force. She's tired of this. Tired of this holding back and holding on and letting go.

"No you didn't." He challenges her watching her as she stares back at him bringing her arms up to cross over her chest and she leans back in her chair looking at the spot her hands were resting before on the table.

"I love her." Her voice is soft and just over a whisper.


	9. Chapter 9

**_another look into the life of one Quinn Fabray and what she sees when she really looks and what she hears when she really listens. _**

* * *

It seems these days I have a knack for being extremely slow and late and everything that makes me the last person to leave. Once again I'm running to my Cheerio's locker to get my crap and school has been out for forty five minutes. My mind has been working harder than overtime since that emotionally draining day at Santana's house. I found it hard to sleep for the next two days constantly thinking about the things I have been observing along with things she had said.

I'd be lying if I said I was not thrilled to learn that my suspicions of the feelings Santana has for Brittany are true, but something about knowing I'm right doesn't have the same bite to it as it usually does. I'd also be lying if I said that I'm a tad bitter about everything. I guess I can't believe that Brittany would do something purposefully hurtful to someone, especially Santana and especially something like this.

Monday and Tuesday were like any normal day, well normal as it has been the past few months for me. Santana and Brittany were BFF during school hours as per usual and I watched them separate as the bell rang. I made it a point to try and talk to Santana during the day when I noticed Brittany was not by her side, something that she actually appreciated even if she didn't say it.

But something strange happened after Cheerio's practice yesterday and today Santana wasn't in school.

After Coach Sylvester ended practice I made my way over to the bleachers to stretch because I have found that if I stretch afterwards, well, this is completely irrelevant. Anyway, as I was stretching I heard Brittany and Santana speaking in hushed voices to one another. When I looked over my shoulder I saw that Brittany was standing in front of Santana who had her back to the wall with her arms crossed.

Brittany was talking softly to her and even took a step closer reaching out to grab her hand. But then I noticed Britt step back when Santana jerked her body away from the touch. Santana said something slightly louder but I was too far away to really distinguish what she said. Brittany hung her head and turned as Santana brushed pass her towards the locker room.

"San." I did hear Brittany call out and she watched as Santana ignored her and disappear into the Cheerio's locker room. She shook her head to herself and looked down at the ground where Santana had previously stood.

I wonder if that has anything to do with why Santana hadn't shown up today. It wasn't like her to miss school because it gave her a chance to flaunt her sex appeal down the hallway like it was a Victoria's Secret fashion show. I had thought about stopping by her house with the lame excuse of bringing her homework, but I wasn't sure if we were really into that realm yet. Were we friends again? Am I just someone she lets in with her problems and then I'm of no use?

Shrugging off Santana's problems I tried to focus on my problems. As I walk out of the locker room I took a glance into the weight room and saw Sam standing in front of the mirror flexing his muscles and smirking at his reflection. Okay, now this is a problem I need to not deal with. I shake my head at his body obsession and push through the double doors that lead to the student parking lot.

"Hey Quinn." I hear from behind my before the doors fully close. I look back to see where the voice came from and spot Rachel Berry standing behind me with a smile.

"Hi." I reply but then turn back around ready to ignore her as I normally would. I hear her take a few steps until she is standing beside me. I can totally tell she wants to talk about things I most likely cannot explain and when I hear her mouth open I cringe hoping the school just opens up and swallows me whole.

Luckily something else happens. Well, maybe it's not that great. Rachel closes her mouth which tells me she heard it too and we both walk around the corner of the building. There we spot Santana sitting down on the concrete up against the brick wall of the school clearly having a conversation with herself. We both decide to venture onward and watch her as she fumbles with her phone dropping it face down on the pavement and she curses under her breath.

As we get closer she looks up finally picking up on the fact that she's been spotted.

"You weren't in school today." I point out and she shrugs her shoulders looking back at her phone.

"Usually when someone ditches they don't hang out at the school after hours." Rachel tells her and I nod because she's right, talk about Lima loser. Santana looks back to us and her mouth opens to speak but a bunch of words strung together does not a sentence make. I see Rachel's head jerk back as I tilt my own and take in the sight before me.

"Are you drunk?" I ask taking a tentative step towards her crouched body leaning against the bricks of the school. I look around us wondering if there are any people around to witness what I have stumbled upon. She looks up at me through her teary blurred eyes. Her mouth closes and she shakes her head in the same motion a hiccup escapes her lips.

"Okay, maybe a little bit." She says quietly bringing her hand up to her face and pressing her index and thumb together to enforce the fact she's only a little drunk. Her head leans back against the wall and she closes her eyes tightly and in the setting sunlight I can clearly see her tear stained cheeks watching new fresh tears stream down over the tracks of previous ones.

"It's not even night time Santana." I hear Rachel say but I don't turn to look at her I keep my eyes on Santana. "This is unacceptable." Santana smirks and looks back down at her hands. "What are you even doing here?" She asks but I ignore her questioning as I'm sure Santana will.

I shake my head and step closer to her bending down letting my hands grip under one of her arms to hoist her up to her feet. This appears to be harder than I had initially expected. I finally manage to get her up standing on two feet though she does stumble into me and I can smell the contents of her parents probably now very empty liquor cabinet spill from her breath and into my senses.

"I was just waiting for you." She grins and points at me and through her glassy eyes I can tell she is telling me the truth so I don't push it for more than just waiting for me.

"How did you know I was at school?" I ask quickly turning my head away trying not breath in the toxic air that is coming out of her body right now. She slumps against me wrapping her arm over my shoulder for leverage.

"I went to your house first." She tells me and my eyes widen realizing that it is possible she was already wasted when she went to my house and therefore breathed her Johnny Walker breath onto my mother. "But Judy said you was here so." She jumps and opens her arms smiling. "Here you are." She pats me like she is making sure I really am here. "And I'm here." She points to herself. "And Brittany…" She hiccups and I see a lone tear roll onto her lips. "Brittany isn't here though." Santana moves to sit back against the wall of our high school but I quickly move to stop her not wanting to have to go through the whole ordeal of propping her back up.

"No, Brittany is not here." I reiterate her statement.

"Thank god for that." Rachel says in a hushed breath but she hears her even through her drunken stupor.

"She did this to me." She spits out defensively. "Her and that stupid, kid who's, stupid and annoying and he just rolls in and steals her with his stupid suspenders and glasses and magic combs." Her lack of coherent sentence making is kind of intriguing. Drunk Santana is very much like a not so drunk Brittany. It's kind of amusing. "I don't want to go home." She looks up at me her eyes begging me to tell her she doesn't have to. I see her lower lip quiver which tells me there's another reason behind not wanting to go home, something other than the fact that she is beyond a little drunk and doesn't want to get caught. "My bed still smells like her." Her eyes look away from me. Like she is embarrassed at the fact that she knows Brittany's smell so well she can distinctly pin point it and detect it from her own belongings. I nervously glance to Rachel wondering if she heard the mumble but her eyes are too fixed on Santana swaying from side to side against the brick wall.

"Well I can't take you to my house." I sigh as we begin our journey to her car which I spot as it's the only one left in the parking lot. Very alone, much like she feels right now.

"I want to see Brittany." She slurs as I reach into her pocket looking for her keys. "What are you doing stop trying to cop a feel Fabray." She almost shouts in my ear as she tries swatting my hand away from her.

"We can take her to my house." Rachel chimes in getting an incredulous look from both Santana and myself. She shrugs her shoulders knowing that her house is not a place either of us had any plans of going to anytime in this lifetime. "My dad's are both at work still. She can stay there until she sobers up a little." I continue my search on Santana trying to avoid the inevitable, having to take Rachel Berry up on her offer.

"I'm looking for your keys." I quickly defend my actions seeing as she is still swatting at my hands so I stop and cross my arms over my chest prompting us both to stop and she stares at me confused.

"I didn't drive here." She tells me and I give her a look that lets her know I'm not buying it. "I swear frisk me." Her arms spread along with her legs and she winks. "Just kidding I don't like you like that Q." Her words come out a little harsher than I'm sure she intended. "I don't have my keys." Her head shakes maybe she is trying to remember where she put them.

The three of us stand there in the parking lot of McKinley High School, two girls from opposite circles of life holding up Santana Lopez a girl very much broken. I think of calling someone to pick us up but I really didn't want to chance Santana throwing up in said persons car or having to explain why she is acting the way she is.

With that I finally agree to bring her to Rachel's because it's a place to stow away the drunken cheerleader and its close. So me and Rachel pretty much carry her a few blocks from school to the Berry household. Surprisingly Santana doesn't put up a fight when she asks whose house we were at only to find out it was Rachel's. She actually turned to Rachel and said thank you, which I did not think was in the girls vocabulary, well, when it came to Rachel Berry anyway.

We brought her up the stairs to Rachel's room tossing her on the bed finally relieving us of the weight we had carried for several blocks. Pretty much upon hitting the mattress Santana passed out leaving me and Rachel alone with each other. It's weird how uncomfortable you can find yourself in someone else's home even though you know the person. Though Rachel and I may not be friends to any extent we have known each other for a very long time.

Yet I found myself awkwardly waiting for her next move. Were we to sit here and watch Santana sleep off the whiskey she had stolen from her father or do I leave and come back when she wakes up or do we sit somewhere else and talk? I know that the last thing would prompt a discussion on all things Santana/Brittany/liquor related and I didn't know if I would be able to control myself in not telling Rachel things. But ever since that day outside the auditorium balcony I have felt inclined to do so.

"You want to go down stairs and watch T.V. or something until she finally comes to?" Rachel offers and I nod shrugging my shoulders as if I'm too cool to give a verbal response. "Though I'm sure when she wakes up and is out of her drunken phase and realizes where she is she will start throwing things in here." Rachel adds looking around her room probably for any valuables to hide away in case such an event arose. I look around too because I doubt Santana would have the energy to do such a thing, plus how uglier could she make Rachel's wardrobes?

"She'll be fine. So will your room." I assure her and she hesitates but then gives in and as we leave she props her door open so that if anything does happen we will surely hear it.

But then we hear her stir, move, grunt and mumble something that stops our movements. We both turn back to the girl on the bed and she looks over at me, propping herself up on her elbows which I can only assume is taking a lot of energy to do in her state.

"Tell me I'm worth it." She lets out a choked sob and lifts her head revealing the tears. "Tell me I was worth everything I've put her through. That in spite of my crap I'm a good person." She sniffles her head jerking back slightly at the motion. "Please." She cries out making the word sound so much longer and sadder than it actually is.

Her eyes look to her feet at the end of the bed and watches as her body reacts to her ever growing emotional distress. She looks back at us, maybe waiting for an answer or maybe just making sure we heard her. And then she rests her head and closes her eyes, crying herself to sleep.

When we get down the stairs she leads me into her living room and turns the television on and even offers me the remote to pick a channel. Of course I take it because I am not going to be subjected to the all musical channel which I'm positive exists if Rachel Berry has anything to say about it.

"Is she going to be okay?" She breaks the brief silence between us and I wonder how to answer this, because I don't know.

I don't even know why she would drink in the first place. Oddly enough someone with Santana's reputation, the way she acts, the way she talks and just her as an overall person or at least the person she projects to the world at McKinley one would think she drinks. Not in an old man with a cigar kind of way but in a high school party sleep around kind of drinker. Whenever I saw her at parties she was never drinking. I just assumed it was because of Cheerio's.

"I don't know." I find myself saying not being able to look at Rachel as I say it. "I don't know if she is going to be okay or fine or anything."

"Brittany really did a number on her huh?" I didn't know that Rachel was capable of using such small sentences so I wait expecting more to come out. "I mean she is so, I don't know, sad and depressed. One can only assume that whatever has happened between them has completely torn her apart. Anyone with eyes can see that she has been agitated lately and mopey and all kinds of upset." She adds and I know if don't jump in with something now she will continue to rant on with the same words over and over again that I myself have been using when describing Santana.

"I know." It's not much but it's something to keep her quiet for a little while longer, I hope.

"Do you think she's jealous of Artie?" She asks and it's like she speaks my very thoughts. I look to her my eyes surely wide giving away that yes that is exactly it. "Because I know that deep down she so desperately wants to be in a relationship. I see the way she looks at Mike and Tina, and even when Finn and I were together. Maybe she's just upset because she wants someone." I sigh because no Rachel that is not where I was going with the whole jealousy thing. Apparently she was not paying close enough attention to Santana's mini rant at the school before. Maybe she didn't say much, but she really said so much. "Or maybe, I don't know, maybe she has feelings for Brittany." She says more to herself than to me but I smile in triumph as seeing that it's not just me and Kurt who can see this.

"Yes." I sigh out as if that is the correct answer, which is, even if I haven't been said by Santana herself.

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_**so is Quinn right in all of her assumptions thus far? i mean seriously she has only really focused on Santana.**_

_**a little teaser for you: a Brittany/Quinn moment. (and it's like, my prized possession almost. so i can't wait to share their moment together. i'm like in love with how it came out) don't worry you'll get it soon.**_

_**review:):)**_


	10. Chapter 10

**_okay, so this is my baby. my favorite piece of this story. if you guys don't like it i may actually cry. truth be told i had some of this part written right after i wrote the very first chapter. obviously through out i have tweeked it up a bit. this was just as emotionally exhausting as Santana's breakdown just to warn you._**

**_i'm very excited to post this chapter, obviously because i'm already posting two chapters in one day, but i'm sure you won't mind much:)_**

**_so enjoy my favorite chapter, well so far anyway... and let me know how you feel about everything afterwards. thanks dudes:)!_**

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After that incident of liquor, not so spoken and spoken confessions and Rachel Berry's house it seems Santana seeks my presence rather than just dealing with me going after her. She tries to make it seem like she is sitting with me at lunch because she has nothing better going on and I'm her last resort. But we both know I'm her only resort. And she gives me an escape from my own lonliness.

Luckily though, getting spend time with her during free periods like study hall or lunch gives me an excuse to not have to pay attention to Sam. It gives me ignoring him a reason and that I'm not doing it because I'm a bitchy cheerleader.

Sometimes we sit in silence just biding our time until the bell rings and then move on our way until we see each other again. Other times instead of talking we use one of our notebooks to have a conversation without giving anyone the ability to over hear us.

We talk about school, and Glee, and Coach Sylvester but no matter what the conversation starts with it always ends up going in the same direction. A comment about Artie being no good for Brittany to which I respond with full agreement or she writes about how she's pretty sure Artie is telling Brittany to stop hanging out with her. This usually prompts me to ask if she tries to make plans with Britt anymore and then the conversation ends.

And I leave super top secret notebook in hand with questions that I never get the answers to.

It wasn't until a couple of days ago, when I had asked that very question again that I thought of something. Maybe I never get the answers because Santana hasn't figured them out yet. I always watch her face contort into various emotions as she reads my question always glancing in the same direction before writing her response.

The other day is when I finally looked over my shoulder to spot Brittany sitting at a table with Artie, Mike and Tina. Like always Artie was trying to get Brittany into his most likely super boring topic of conversation. He noticed she wasn't paying attention and then followed her line of vision and spotted our table. I then looked to Santana and noticed her actually fidget under his stare. She tore her eyes from their table and moved back to our notebook of secrets.

The bell had gone off and I turned to see her still furiously writing for a few more minutes. The café had started getting very empty by the time she flipped it closed and handed it to me. She said she'd see me later and I nodded. I watched her walk out of the lunch room and when I was sure I was alone I sat back down at the table opening the book to find out what she had written.

_**I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her.  
But I can't do this and it breaks my heart.  
She deserves better than me and that's why she is doing this to me.  
I deserve this I guess. Do me a favor, burn and toss this book.  
I just need to get over this.  
I need to be done.**_

I could feel my eyebrows shooting up. I couldn't believe what I was reading. It was but a few days ago that Santana had confessed her love for her best friend. Even now, here, in this book she is telling me she loves Brittany.

It only makes me wonder what the rest of the story really is. Maybe Rachel was right in saying that Brittany had really done a number on Santana. The seemingly sweetest person in the entire universe had somehow cut the biggest ice queen to ever grace the halls of a high school down to tears and drunken emotional declarations.

That day as I walked out of the lunch room I felt like I was holding a treasure and a top government secret all in one. I could feel her secrets burning into my skin just through the touch of my fingers over the cardboard cover of the marble notebook. I knew so much now, but I still knew nothing at all. Sure I had been brought into a world that no one else would believe existed, a place where Santana Lopez felt things, nice things for another human being. I had been witness to a breakdown and a breakthrough. Yet even with this book of secrets and untold truths, I felt I had nothing.

I know that when I was younger and going through those weird preteen problems I used to write in a diary. Maybe that's what all this is for Santana.

I used to tell my diary anything and everything. My hopes and dreams, my wants and desires, my fears. So many things were written by a young Quinn Fabray that no one else saw but me, and so many of my dreams and wants were never followed through with. It just felt good to let them out.

Maybe I'm just Santana's diary. She just needs to get all of this out until she can move on. Maybe that's what she is doing. Moving on.

I thought about it. Burning the book and getting rid of the evidence that would point to the fact that Santana Lopez does in fact feel. But as the day ended the book only burned more into my skin, etching the words into my body to forever be memorized which would only make it pointless to burn the book. All of the secret truths are not going to fade away. They are now known.

There's a knock on my bedroom door stirring me from the marble notebook of whispered thoughts and desires. I hastily shove it in to the back of my underwear drawer shutting it softly as to not bring attention to the fact that I had just stowed something away. I move to the door and am more than surprised who is standing on the other side of it.

Brittany is standing in my hallway with her hands tucked into her Cheerio's jacket and a strange look in her eye. I can tell she is fidgety and so I move to the side offering her to come in. I'm not really in the mood for pleasantries with the normally bubbly blonde because of everything I have heard from Santana.

I close my door and follow her form as it goes to the window casually looking out and I can tell all she is trying to do is calm herself down. I move to my bed taking a seat knowing that I'm probably going to be involved in a long conversation in a few seconds. Either that or a really long and silent torturous stare down with a blank look on Brittany's face the whole time.

Brittany looks from the window and around the room before settling her eyes back on my door and she walks towards it. I wonder if she's done here. Perhaps she hasn't found what she's looking for, which is fine by me but she stops at the door and turns around and looks at me but not in my eyes.

"What are you doing with her?" Brittany asks finally breaking the oddly long silence between us since she got here. Her eyes dart to the floor when I don't automatically answer her and I see her chest rising and falling a little faster than when she arrived.

"I don't know wh…" Before I can finish she cuts me off.

"Santana." Her voice is a little louder than when she had first spoken.

"Why do you care B?" I challenge her and I see her shoulders tense up a little at this question that I don't really intend on getting an answer to, nor do I really want one. "You've been so busy lately I'm surprised you even noticed." I nonchalantly dig in deeper checking out my nails.

It's not that I'm that cruel. I have always thought that someone being purposefully mean to Brittany was like kicking a puppy into a busy street. But she's been selfish. She completely abandoned Santana, a twelve year friendship for a stupid high school relationship that probably won't end up going anywhere.

"That's not fair Quinn." Brittany tries to defend and I sideways glance her catching her hang her head which only proves to me that she knows she's guilty of pushing Santana away.

"Well life's not fair." Even as I'm saying it I can feel my eyes roll because this is so something my mom would say, I actually distinctly remembering Santana's mom saying this to her daughter sometime back in middle school.

"She's still my friend. And a while ago you said she was sad." She brings up that one time when I told Brittany exactly what I thought, prior to all of this information I have acquired. "I still care about her, but every time I try and talk to her she…" Brittany sighs out and I can hear it in her chest that tears are being held back. "I just figured that since she is talking to you that you could tell her I..."

"She's fine now." I spit back at her cutting off her sentence that was trailing off into nowhere land anyway. I see her swallow hard and she has still yet to make eye contact with me. "She's over it. Like whatever it is with you two." I cringe a little as the venom that is normally used by Santana comes dripping off of my tongue and into words that I am using towards Brittany Pierce. But in all honesty I can't help but glance back at my underwear drawer that has Santana's declarations and goodbyes inscribed within the margins. I catch her nodding and she sniffles.

"Oh." That's all she says. I tell her Santana is getting over it, or is over it, I don't even remember what said and all she says is 'oh'. I wait for a few more minutes wondering if that's how she plans on leaving the conversation. I watch her sniffle once more and wipe her eye with the back of her hand and some of her Cheerio's jacket and turn to the door. But I don't let her get far.

"It can be one minute, one single second of a fleeting thought of a possibility and… it can be that one moment, a single moment, no longer than a half of a breath that you let go," I pause waiting for her to turn around and then to take notice of the look on Brittany's face. The look of guilt, despair, regret and something else I can't quite place. "And in that same moment somewhere else, maybe on the other side of the world, down the street, down the stairs or in the room right next to your own when that other person lets go too." I move to make eye contact, something the she has been avoiding since she got here. "Only, where for you it might have been just a fleeting thought of a possibility for them… for them it's a decision." I tell Brittany. And for the first time since she turned from the door she moves. The muscles in her face tighten, her jaw moves to unclench and her eyes widen a little as though my statement had struck a nerve somewhere in her senses. "I can't tell you what to do and I'm not going to. I can't tell you what to say and I'm not going to because I know that you have probably practiced some long speech that if you ever do wind up trying to say you'll forget anyway." I take a breath letting the brief seconds of silence dance between us perhaps giving Brittany a chance to say something, sigh, take a breath or even blink. But she doesn't. "She doesn't hate you." The simple thought of Santana remotely hating anything about Brittany is unfathomable. "She couldn't if she tried." I explain. "But she hates where you are, where you guys are, what you've become. She hates what you've become to each other, or unbecome as the case may be."

"Is she still sad?" Brittany's voice squeaks when she asks me this.

I'm kind of caught off guard because I truly believed this was going to be one of those one sided conversations that she pretends to be a part of. Where I was going to say this long speech exposing both sides or whatever and then she'd leave. I can feel the cold air hit the inside of my mouth indicating to me that it is most likely hanging open at the validity of the question. I close my mouth and slowly nod trying to find my words.

"Y-yes." I stutter and I can tell by my hesitation I had misled her into thinking that Santana is no longer sad. But truth be told anyone with eyes could see that the dark haired girl who has enough angst to cast her own CW show is still very much on the sad side. "She's still sad B." I repeat the words which is probably cruel and only jabbing the knife further in or whatever but she needs to know.

The once self proclaimed badass bitch of the school is broken. And not broken in a way that the old Quinn Fabray would even relish in. And not even broke in a way that Sue Sylvester herself would wish to bestow upon anyone, well except for Mr. Schu probably. Santana is broken in a way that sometimes never becomes unbroken.

Santana, in her defense, committed the only crime one can commit in a very mutual relationship that the two of them were involved in. She fell for her best friend. The worse part about it is that she knew but she didn't know she knew until it was too late. So maybe technically from the start her heart was already broken. Falling for someone and then not willing herself to be with them would break anyone's heart if they cared enough. Ironically, I guess, in some weird bizarre world where Santana Lopez actually cares, her heart broke because she cared too much.

"B-but," Brittany breaks me out of my own little inner monologue with her melodic soft voice that only cracks when she is in those clear moments of lucidity. My eyes meet hers and for the first time since she got here I notice the tears in her eyes. "But I'm supposed to be the sad one." Brittany says as though that is the answer to all of the world's mystery and I am to get someone important on the phone and tell them. I can feel her gaze on me and questioning my bewildered expression. "I'm sad." She enforces with more power behind her voice and points to herself and I can't help but become fixated on a lone tear peeking over the brim of her eye, daring to fall at any given moment. "I said things, and then she said things and then _she _left _me_ alone. And then she wasn't there and Artie was there." Her eyes scatter around the room and I can see the way she looks, she is replaying whatever moment she is vaguely describing to me in her mind. She's telling it to me as though she is seeing it play out right now. "Then Artie and I, I took his virginity." Her blues look to me almost begging me to stop her from seeing what she sees and to ask her to not go on and that she can't erase it but maybe she can fix it. "She did this." Her face turns. It turns in a way I have never really seen it before. It's hard, a little cold and it shines something very similar to a fiery Latina I knew well once upon a time. "She's the one who pushed. I didn't do anything. She did this and if anyone should be sad it's me." To make her point she stomps her foot. Not too hard, but hard enough to emphasize and I can't help but think how similar the two estranged best friends are. They have tantrums like 7 year old girls who want that purse from the mall and mommy won't buy it so they have a hissy fit. "I love her and she just can't stand it. And I hate it cause I can't help it."

But Brittany isn't having a hissy fit. She's not even mad. She is quite sad.

It's at this point in time that I realize that Santana Lopez is not the only person with missing pieces. She's not the only one who needs to be repaired. And she is probably not the only one who was a little bit broken when all of this started. The look in Brittany's eyes that I was not originally able to grasp has now struck me. Along with the guilt, despair and regret lay a thick base layer of hurt and pain. And there's something tugging in me that tells me that base layer has always been there. Somewhere deep down in those piercing ocean like blue eyes a bright and shiny girl tried to hide from the world the hurt and pain she kept locked away with light and sunshine that sparkled from the earth to the stars.

On rare occasion, there have been moments I have been witness to that allow me to fully comprehend the world that is Santana and Brittany. Most have been unseen, meaning I have been unseen, and most have been the casual blink and you'll miss it. This is one of those times only the parties are privy to my knowledge.

But as I sat there and I thought about laying it all down for her telling her that she needs to just come clean to Santana about everything and then things will work out for themselves, I knew I couldn't do that. Brittany had this face and this weight to her voice that told me that she was not going to be the one. It wasn't her that was going to bend this time. She wasn't going to be the one to make a sacrifice for their relationship.

She has already given up so much.

I could tell from the way she stomped her foot and said 'I'm sad' that she isn't going to step up and be mature about this. This was her time to be greedy and selfish and want and want and not give. She doesn't want to always be the one to fix things when they go bad. She can't always be bright and shiny.

So I sat there and watched her stand there with her arms over her chest and her eyes fixed on a spot where the ground meets the wall. I watch her cheeks move as she chews on the insides and I listen as she sniffles trying to keep her tears under her control. We stay in our respective positions for a while until her body finally caves in and crumples to the floor, her back first hitting the door and sliding down. Her head finds her hands and she cradles herself as the tears can no longer be held back. I watch her as she brings her legs up to her chest and rests her arms around them hugging herself into a tight ball against the door to my bedroom.

I help her into the bathroom across the hall and drag a cool wash cloth onto her neck in hopes of soothing her uncontrollable sobs that soon enough turn into hiccups. I move her to the toilet where I pull down the lid so she can sit down and I rub small circles on her back to calm her down and I offer her a glass of water. I excuse myself for a brief moment only to return within seconds with a pair of sweats and a t-shirt for her to change in to.

I help her change because when I walk out the door to give her privacy she starts to cry again. I bring her back to my room and sit her on my bed, the crying subsided but the tears still very much there. I place her in the middle of my bed and sit behind her pulling her tight ponytail from its band and I brush her hair.

We sit there. It's silent but so loud.

After a little while I contemplate offering to walk her home considering she only lives around the block. But my inner voice tells me not to ruin this comfortable uncomfortable silence we have created between ourselves.

So instead of speaking with my mouth I speak with my motions. I turn around and pull my comforter all the way down and set the two pillows next to each other hoping to just lead by example. I lay my head down and pat the pillow beside me. She looks at it for a few seconds. Her face tells me that she isn't so much contemplating the offer but that she is remembering something. I'd like to think she is remembering my kindness and our friendship but I'm sure that's not the case.

Her lips try to make a smile but the sadness in her stops that from happening. I watch her lay beside me, facing me and she tucks her hands under her chin. Our eyes meet and I nod my head, I think I'm telling her that it's okay now and that she can close her eyes. And maybe I'm also telling her that everything is between us and no one, Santana, will ever know about her mini breakdown.

A noise in her throat makes my eyes widen and I get the feeling that the water works are going to start up again. I'm frozen and I don't know what to do. My mind races because we've been going so long without using words it's like I have forgotten how to speak. Luckily my body is in tune with the situation and my hand reaches out and grabs her hand squeezing it tightly. Her eyes, filled with wetness threatening my pillows, dart to our hands. Her breathing becomes erratic and her tears flow from her eyes drenching my pillow case in the process. Her sobs cause her body to almost convulse and she seems to not be in control of her body and I grip her hand a little tighter. I watch her lips turn a little upside down and for a second I think I've sent her further over the edge if that is even possible, but then she lets out a sigh that sounds like a whine and a sob and she looks me in the eye.

And then, she squeezes my hand back.


	11. Chapter 11

**_thank you to everyone who reviewed. you guys are so amazing. i love reading your reactions to what i'm writing it really means a lot to hear it, or read it rather._**

**_chapter 11 here you go:)_**

**_review:):)!_**

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I had waited there a long while just waiting for Brittany to fall asleep, waiting for the crying to wear her out. So I watched her finally close her eyes and fall into a sad slumber full of regret and uncertainty and I couldn't help but wonder how I had gotten to here. For the past months I had been wondering if I was born incapable of comforting someone physically and could merely make them feel slightly better with my thoughts and looks of pity.

This is how I came to realize the strength of Brittany being special. Like I said before, she is special, but not in that condescending way people label her. It's kind of weird to lay there with a girl who has just fallen apart before your eyes, letting everything come out of her and be completely vulnerable. She has this way about her, that lets you lose yourself and allow your walls to come down and let in things you would have never expected and let out things you've been keeping locked up.

I guess this is why Santana is the way she is or why she has been acting the way she has been acting. Watching Brittany sleep, flashes of the little moments I had witnessed between the two of them came to my mind and it almost seemed as though Santana is afraid of Brittany. Afraid of her because of her specialness, if that's even a word. Afraid of letting her in so close that every wall will fall down every door locked tight will unlock and open and then she will be completely bare. So naked that every feeling inside will be exposed for every person to see. Exposed for her to finally see that Brittany can see.

She's petrified of being too close to Brittany because she doesn't want to be vulnerable.

Looking at sleeping Brittany made me wonder if this is a sight that Santana missed, if she even stayed long enough to see this. Looking passed the tear stained tracks down her cheeks and her puffy eyes and the slight frown on her lips, she was a sight to see. Beautiful, almost like an angel. Looking beyond sexuality and gender and all of those things that have to do with sex, I could see how someone could fall in love with Brittany.

Not only is she kind and thoughtful, but she is sincere and she's not afraid to show how she feels especially about someone else, regardless of how the other feels. She's funny and interesting and unpredictably predictable.

I think one of the main reasons she scares Santana so much is because she is simple. Now I know saying someone is simple can almost sound like an insult but not in this case because to Santana, Brittany's simplicity is actually very opposite of simple. All Brittany wants is love, to be in love and to be loved in return. In all honesty it's not that difficult, but then again not everyone is Santana Lopez. And I'm pretty sure this scares the crap out of her.

I hadn't realized but I fell asleep and when I wake up I almost half expect to find myself alone. But as my eyes come into focus my hand can still feel Brittany's. She is still very asleep. I look over my shoulder to see that it is a little passed dinner time. I dislodge our hands and turn on my back stretching but being careful not to wake the girl beside me, nervous that if I do everything will repeat itself.

I sit up and turn to place my feet on the ground and walk over to my phone on my desk by the window. I notice a text message from my mother telling me she is going to be home late but that there is some food in the fridge for me to heat up. I roll my eyes and sigh because I feel emotionally drained and for some reason could really use the comfort of my mother tonight. All of this caring and taking care of people is an exhausting job.

"I'm sorry." Her voice is soft and scratchy as I would imagine it to be after all of that crying and power nap. I swallow hard and take a breath not quite sure if this conversation is going to start her tears to flow again. I turn around from my desk to find her sitting up in my bed wiping the sleep and residual tears from her eyes.

"For what?" I ask her tilting my head in confusion. She shrugs and turns in the bed so her feet are on the floor, her eyes downcast to the ground.

"I know that Sa… she won't talk to me about, well, she needs someone and I know you can be there for her and even if she doesn't ask for it she wants someone and she needs someone." She tells me and I know I must look completely surprised, shocked even about how clear her thoughts come out forming words.

"You know she hates me."

"No she doesn't and you know it too." She replies looking back to meet my eyes. "It's for show." She clarifies letting her eyes drop again. "She needs someone to be there, I wish it were me but she keeps pushing me away." Brittany shrugs her shoulders looking over to the clock which makes me look over there as well. She's not looking to see what time it is, she's just looking because it's something to look at other than me.

"What about you Brittany?" I ask her because it seems unfair that she can't have me but Santana can. She opens her mouth and slowly lifts her head to lock her eyes into mine.

"I have Artie." It comes out slow and kind of uncertain and sounds like a lie. "I don't want her to be alone. I don't know what she has said to you or if she has said anything to you but… just know I love her." She pushes herself up from the bed and goes to the closet bending over to pick up her Cheerio uniform she had worn here. "I love her." She smiles weakly shaking her head mostly at herself. "I love my best friend."

I feel frozen. I'm standing there listening to Brittany tell me how she loves Santana but she has Artie. I'm watching her walk to my bedroom door ready to leave me with all of this information and I feel overloaded yet uninformed. This is like a puzzle that has no real answer. Her hand goes to the door knob and I feel my body tense.

"Wait." I yell, my hand reaching out for her to stop moving. She does and her head turns. "Why?" I ask and I take one step towards, my eyebrows are definitely scrunched together. She gives me a confused stare not quite getting my line of questioning. "Why do you love her? I mean, not to sound oblivious or biased or whatever but she's kind of a bitch to like everyone." She shakes her head slightly her eyes looking to the floor of my room and I pick up on a small smirk playing on her lips. At least she's not crying. "I guess I don't get it, you're kind of… no you are the nicest person I know and, well she's totally not."

"I know that most people don't like her." Brittany begins and her voice is so soft. "But she's different, when other people aren't around."

"How?" I remember the Santana I saw when we went to go visit Kurt and then the Santana that broke down, but these incidents give me nothing to go on.

"She's funny." She tells me and I feel an eyebrow quirk. "She makes me laugh and smile. I love her laugh. She's ticklish in this one spot and she laughs so loud it's kind of adorable." I watch her as she smiles thinking of all of the reasons she loves Santana Lopez. Her thoughts go on longer in her head than actually coming out for me to hear and her smile slowly fades but not to sadness, perhaps to realization. "She thinks I'm smart." She bites on her lower lip and her eyes dart to the ground shifting her feet. "She's the most beautiful person I've ever seen. She can be kind, thoughtful and a great friend." When she looks back up to me I can see her eyes are slightly glassy but they look happy sad or sad happy if that even makes sense. "And she only let's me see these things." I feel my head nodding up and down and I'm thinking of things to say but they don't seem worthy of being spoken.

Her head bobs once in my direction and I watch her turn back to my door turning the knob. Before she opens it she turns her head over her shoulder but doesn't look to me only in my general vicinity when I stumble her way with a few miscalculated steps.

"Have you told her?" I interrupt the silence that has drifted between us. Her eyes slowly move from around my body, to my body and then travel their way up to my eyes. Her blue eyes normally so full of light and life and happiness are dull and filled with defeat. I swallow wondering if she is waiting for me to be more specific, so I decide to venture onward. "That you're in love with her." I clarify and watch as her eyes fall back to the ground where I'm currently standing.

"She knows." Her voice is quite. My jaw clenches wondering if Santana does in fact know this important detail. If she really knows how deep Brittany's feelings go for her.

"You should tell her." Her eyes dart back to mine. "Sometimes knowing something is different when you actually hear it. It feels different." I explain and I can sense her eyes wanting to look away from me but something tells me that I've told her something she has been waiting for. Almost like she has been led to believe that it didn't matter if she says certain things and that knowledge is only in the unspoken. That me telling her to tell Santana how she feels will take away some of that weight she has apparently been carrying around.

"See you tomorrow Q." I nod and I don't know if I'm supposed to give a verbal answer but even if I wanted to it's too late. She pulls the door open and walks out of my room and I stand still in the middle of it until I hear the front door open and shut.

"Bye Britt." I whisper once I'm all alone in my room.

Tonight I go to sleep with secrets bouncing off of my walls and wonder if people on the outside can hear what I can, the silent ache of broken hearts.

I walk in to school with blind spots. A conversation here and a hushed declaration there are keeping me from being able to function. With my locker in view I see Brittany putting things in her locker and taking others out. By her side, Artie. He is smiling and holding her back pack while she shoves her books she needs into it. From the moving of his mouth I can only assume he is talking about something of no interest to me and most likely Brittany as well.

Once I reach my locker he smiles and waves to me. I nod with a small smile acknowledging his presence just for the sake of team. Brittany stands up straight after placing a final book in her bag and turns to me. She smiles her big smile, waves and says 'hey Q'. I smile back to her while twisting my combination into my locker wondering if my facial expression is giving me away. I say 'hey' back and I'm certain in comes out in a questioning form but she dismisses it immediately.

"I have to get to class but I'll see you later." Brittany tells Artie bending down to place a soft kiss on his cheek and I do all I can to fight the urge to roll my eyes. At least Santana isn't here to witness this is all I can think. "See you in English Q." She waves and bounces off down the hallway leaving me and Artie.

After watching her vanish through the crowd of McKinley students I turn my attention back to my locker because it is a lot more interesting than having a fake conversation with Artie. I look to my side because I can sense his presence and of course there he is sitting there with a dumb look on his face.

"Umm you can go now." I say to him waving him off as though his job here is done. He looks to me and scrunches his eyebrows at me.

Maybe it's mean to be mean, he honestly never did anything to me personally but he's kind of a jackass. He treats girls like crap because he thinks because of his condition he has a right to or something. I mean, I remember when Santana had said that he made a comment about her boobs a bunch of months ago. And when he was dating Tina and told her about her wardrobe, I mean seriously, who does that. He thinks he's the shit and he is definitely not.

"I figured since we have Chemistry together I might as well wait for you and we could go together." He shrugs his shoulders like he is doing me a favor to be seen with me. Inside I laugh but on the outside I smile as though his 'thoughtfulness' touches me. "But I'll go, wouldn't want to ruin your image." He hangs his head as he moves to wheel past me and I finally allow my eye roll to come in to play and I sigh leaning into my locker.

"Artie wait." I find myself saying and I don't know why I care.

But then come to think of it, I've already learned more than I ever thought I would about Brittany and Santana from the sources, I guess I can't help but wonder about his take on things. I mean, it's not like I'm going to take him to the side and question him on all things Brittany and Santana because that would not only be awkward but that would also be like a security breach of details I have been entrusted with.

I can't help but wonder what it is that draws someone like Artie to someone like Brittany. They are complete opposites and not in the way that she and Santana are opposites. Sometimes I feel like I can see some of what I see in Sam's eyes when he looks at me in Artie's eyes. Like maybe Brittany is something for him to flaunt and show off rather than revel in and be proud to have. Nothing like the way Santana looks at Brittany.

I wish I could find someone who looks at me the way Santana looks at Brittany. It's the same way Brittany looks at Santana. Funny thing is, is they don't see it.

I decide that today I'm going back into my spy mode and today's interrogation is going to be with one Artie Abrams. So I follow him to the table in the front that he usually sits at by himself and I grab a chair pulling it up beside him. I get a funny look from him but I toss him a non-threatening smile which quickly puts him at ease.

Dr. Graham comes in and immediately hands out the supplies for today's lab. Once the class chatter starts to build up around us I decide now would be the best time to strike up conversation of the non-chemical nature.

"So you and Brittany?" I let out and I don't look at him I just pretend I'm taking precarious notes of our findings. From the corner of my eye I see him nodding. "How's it going, I mean, it's been a while now."

"It's great." He beams at me and it takes everything in me not to throw up on our science project right now.

"That's… great." I force out hoping that my hesitation and obvious lack of interest in how 'great' things are going with Brittany can be calculated to me just paying real close attention to the liquid I am putting into a beaker. "I'm sure there's never a dull moment with her." I grin, because seriously, I can only imagine the crazy antics that can erupt in being in a relationship with someone like her. She's amazingly crazy in the most exciting kind of way. In a way that I don't feel that Artie should be participating in because he doesn't deserve her crazy.

"She's definitely… interesting." He says and the way his words slowly fall out of his mouth makes my eyes squint and my smile fade away. I find a condescending tone in the way he says 'interesting', or maybe I really don't like him that much that I'm trying to find anything in his tone of voice to roll him to the edge of the staircase.

"Why are you with her?" I ask him. Maybe it's rude but in all honesty I'm curious. I think we are all pretty curious as to what it is that Artie sees in Brittany.

"I'm sorry?" He replies and he sounds insulted.

"I mean like, what do you see in her? What is it that you like about her?" I correct my line of questioning and the tone of my voice to sound more sincere about it and not like I'm interrogating him, which is what I am really doing. His stare softens a little bit but I see the wheels turning in his head as though he is searching for the perfect answer. That's the first warning sign. "It's not that hard of a question Artie." I tell him breaking him out of his mental state.

"I know I just, there's so many things I guess." He sighs shrugging his shoulders as though there are just so many great qualities about Brittany he can't pick just one.

Now don't get me wrong Brittany actually does have that many qualities and then some. But when asked about the one you apparently 'love' there is no hesitation. None.

"She's nice." I can't help it but I snort but it goes unnoticed. "She's a great dancer." He goes on and on with a rather short and off beat list of things he likes about her.

Which if he was trying to sell her off he is not a very good salesmen. I guess you can't judge someone on the reasons they love, they just do. But the way he rattles off the list of reasons why, I'm unimpressed and I'm not drawn in. I don't believe. I don't see it.

The rest of the lab is done in silence but my head is so loud. Like the volume is on max and I can't find the off switch. I can't but replay those breakdowns of Santana and Brittany and how I felt how they felt not only by what they exposed but how they looked as they spoke and broke apart before my eyes. I felt every bit of it. The torture, the uncertainty, the pain and the love. But it was through broken hearts and fallen spirits that facts were brought to me naked and fully open to their emotional scars.

Maybe it's wrong to judge Artie. Wrong for me to think he doesn't have strong feelings for Brittany. Maybe he does see her like Santana sees her. It's easier to see what you had when it's lost than to see what you have when it's yours. Maybe he can't see because he is blinded by his feelings and that's why I am deeming his response as not good enough.

Maybe, you can only see things clearly when you have nothing left. When the one thing you want most is gone.

I can't help but wonder though, what it is that Santana sees in Brittany. What is it specifically that makes her love her? What is it? Like I realized yesterday, there are so many things about Brittany that I could see how someone could fall in love with her, but Artie had not said one of those things. Okay yeah, she's nice, but that's a given and he said in such a vague manner.

Specificity is the most intriguing factor when describing someone I find.

So I find myself in study hall in the library with Santana as usual. Normally we would be doodling away and note writing in our marble notebook, but I have decided to keep that in the comfort and safety of my underwear drawer at home. I know she will want it someday.

I glance around and when I'm sure that no one is close enough to hear me I turn my attention back to Santana who is trying to get lost in a cheerleading magazine. I lean forward to her placing my hand on the magazine lowering it from her face and wait for her eyes to meet mine.

"Why do you love her?" I speak softly and almost too to the point she might not hear me. And I'm kind of waiting for her to pretend she didn't and ignore me but, Santana smiles and immediately I'm drawn in. I want to know why and now. This smile that I have only seen reserved for Brittany tells me so many things without even needing the use of speech. But I want to know, I need to hear the words to describe this smile.

Her hesitation here is so different that Artie's hesitation. Her smile instantly gives me so many answers that I can barely keep up with them let alone prepare myself for what she is eventually going to say. She puts the magazine down letting her arms rest over it and I notice her look to her wrist and watch her playing with her charm bracelet.

"She makes me smile when I don't want to smile or when she knows I want to but I'm being stubborn. She knows that I hate black liquorish and that I can't stand when my cereal is soggy." She tells me and she leans back against her chair getting comfortable. "Every year for my birthday she gets me a cupcake from that bakery by the church and tells me she made it herself. She's kind. To everyone." She looks up at me to make sure I'm really listening to her. "Even to me. Even when I don't deserve it. Even though I don't deserve it." Her eyes look down at her wrist again. "She knows when I'm lying." I notice her shoulders slump. "She lights up a room with just her presence and her smile… she makes me happy." She shrugs her shoulders and tosses a piece of paper that she finds on her magazine. "She's gorgeous and doesn't even know it. And I lo…" She shuts her mouth quickly before the rest of the words can come out.

Like I said, specificity.


	12. Chapter 12

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The next few days are a bundled mess of a blur. Although, I guess there were some parts of it that kind of stand out to me. But even those clear moments are kind of like I blacked out a little.

Tuesday I let Sam talk me into letting him come over which led to me lying there as he tried his best to feel me up. Each time he pushed for more I found myself disconnecting from reality and falling deeper into my own mind almost forgetting that he was even in the room. He stayed for dinner and portrayed the picture perfect boyfriend in front of my mother who, when he had finally left, wouldn't stop talking about what a 'fine' young gentleman he is. I'm sure she wouldn't think such things if she knew what we had been doing in the study before dinner.

When I had finished helping her do the dishes I went back to my room and laid on my bed going over that disconnected feeling I had felt. I was so focused on other things that it was almost an out of body experience. I was there, my lips on his and his on mine, but I wasn't there at all. I can't help but wonder if that is what Santana does when she is sleeping with Puck or some other flavor of the day.

It's not that hard to be somewhere else completely when you are with someone you don't really care about. I can only imagine that when she is lying there with some fumbling moron she is in some sort of Brittany black out. Her mind is so far gone to think of what her body is actually doing.

That thought makes my stomach churn and that 'I think I'm gonna throw up' feeling was creeping up my throat. I can't imagine that being with these guys is any kind of an escape for her, because just thinking about it I can't help but imagine it being some sort of a prison.

So then on Wednesday that was all that I could think of as I stood by my locker and watched Puck come over and try to 'mack' it to Santana. Of course she let him because she doesn't know anything else. Well, not anymore or maybe not yet. I saw him run his hand down her arm and I could tell he was trying to be soft and seductive or whatever, but all I could see was his rough hands pressing hard into her skin. I'm pretty certain I saw her catch herself from yanking her arm away from him.

He said something not remotely attractive about taking her in his back seat or something equally pigheaded and she put on that front as if he were speaking her exact thoughts. I don't get it. She could tell Brittany she loves her and then Brittany would tell her she loves her back and then everything would work out. But life isn't like that I guess. Not in Lima, Ohio anyway. Two cheerleaders… not particularly the norm.

After trying to erase that creepy display of super charged hormones and sexual appetite it would only figure that on my way to class I would pass by Brittany with Artie at his locker. I didn't stand still long enough to stare and let my day thoughts take over, I don't need to stare at my subjects anymore. I can daydream about everything and continue to go through the motions.

Somehow I had gotten to class unscathed and not bothered by anyone on the way. So the time to myself had given me time to wonder if it's the same for Brittany when she's with Artie. Does she have her own kind of Brittany blackout, a Santana blackout? When she lets Artie's hand graze her thigh does she smile because she imagines the feeling of Santana's hand on her skin? When he kisses her and then whispers in her ear does she imagine its Santana's breathe in her ear? When he says 'I love you' to her, does she say it back?

It's Thursday now and it boggles my mind that those things are all I can remember from the beginning of my week. What I can remember about today is trying my best to avoid a sex talk with Sam who thinks it's been long enough for us to finally take the next step. I've been pretty successful in becoming invisible when he came into sight.

With two more classes to go I felt pretty confident that I was going to make it the whole day without having to have that conversation. So I was nervous when I turned the corner by the gym and saw him standing at the end of the hallway talking to Mike and Finn all giving each other high fives and fist bumps. Not wanting to be obligated to join into an obviously testosterone filled conversation I literally make a quick left pushing the door open to the Cheerio's locker room.

I close my eyes tight and let out a sigh of relief happy to yet again avoid Sam and his sex talk. I guess he clearly doesn't understand my fear of sex because apparently my body likes to get pregnant. But he's a guy so I guess I shouldn't really expect much more.

I figure that since I'm here I may as well make use of my time rather than just wait for the bell to ring. So I make my way through the rows of lockers to get to mine and maybe I'm not really all that surprised to see Santana and Brittany standing close to each other. It was pretty quiet and they hadn't spotted me yet so I decide to keep still until I'm spotted or its time to retreat.

I hid behind the lockers to ensure my safety from being caught, standing far enough into the aisle separating the two giant rows leaving the locker room to feel empty. I saw as the two friends that haven't been acting like friends move at the same pace towards the far end of the locker room right where the wall and the windows meet. Brittany stepping back until her back hit the wall and I could see a small grin dance over her lips maybe Santana had said something or maybe it was just the proximity of their bodies.

Santana slowly steps closer to Britt who gladly accepts the intrusion of personal space. I find myself wondering if this is the moment I have been waiting for. A moment where two best friends finally admit to one another what they have recently admitted to me and that all they really did need was time.

Santana's hand reaches for Brittany's waist as Brittany's glides up her arm and rests on her shoulder. She giggles when Santana presses her mouth against her ear and says something to her causing her to move her hand a little higher to the back of Santana's head. Just when Santana moves in, what I can only assume is to kiss her Brittany quickly moves her hand to Santana's chest keeping her at a certain distance.

She is still smiling warmly to her friend and I see her lips moving for a few seconds but even the deafening quiet of the locker room doesn't let me hear her. And then she watches Santana, waiting for an answer most likely. Her head dips down probably trying to maintain eye contact and she says something else making Santana look off to the side. Brittany brings her hand to Santana's cheek to make her look at her and Santana swats her hand away.

Her other hand finally falls from Santana's chest and her smile fades away. I see her lips move some more as her hands move to the wall like she is holding herself up. I notice Santana tilt her head and she points to herself, Brittany nods once. She smoothes out her hair which is still perfectly neat and then twirls her ponytail for a moment before she steps back and shakes her head.

I can only assume that within seconds Santana is going to turn around and head in the direction I have been hiding in and there is really no option for me here. I'm not as stealth as I wish I was and I know that my only choice is to make myself known. So, in trying to act as casual as possible I take a step away from the aisle straighten my back and pull my head up. I take a deep breath and make sure that the first steps I take toward my locker inform them of my presence.

When I finally come into view I try my best not to make eye contact with either girl who both try to contain their surprise. I nod my head to both girls and quickly step in front of my locker twisting the lock frantically and racking my brain for what I can pretend I came in here for. Its quiet behind me for a little until I hear Santana's sneakers scuff the tiles in the locker room and get closer to me, but she's not coming to me, she's retreating.

"I'm in love with you." Brittany says and my body tenses up and my eyes go wide. I'm holding my breath.

It's like I've witnessed a crime and totally got caught and now the bad guys are going to come and get me and kill me so I don't talk. It's so quiet that I can hear Santana's fingers unclench from a fist and hit the side of her Cheerio's skirt. I can hear all of her thoughts screaming at her because they are screaming at me too. I can't help it but I chance a look over at the two of them because, well, I'm here.

I look to Santana she has her back to both me and Brittany. I'm almost certain I can see her heart pounding through the back of her Cheerio top and her back rises with her increasing breathing rate. She shakes her head and it hangs as she continues to shake it.

"I…" Her voice echoes off of the lockers around us and I look over to Brittany who patiently waits for something, anything.

It's kind of excruciating to stand here in this unbearable silence that is not so silent. My ears hurt from all of the held breathes and secrets untold and half told. I purse my lips and shut my locker walking past Santana trying to get out of here ASAP. I don't need to be here for this.

They still aren't talking by the time I'm out of the locker room. And even as I hear the door close behind me I know that they are most likely still standing in the positions that I had left them. For the first time ever I'm actually happy to see Sam standing in the hallway still talking to Finn. I put my best happy smile on and walk over towards them a few feet away from the Cheerio's locker room. I'm surprised that the bell still hasn't rung but I guess I was trapped in the world of no time in that scary situation in the locker room.

He grins back at me not even picking up on the vibes popping off of my skin. Finn nods to me acknowledging my presence and before anyone of us can speak there is a loud banging that travels through the hall. The three of us look to where the sound originated from to find Santana briskly walking in our direction away from the locker room door that is in the process of closing.

Her eyes are firmly placed on the ground and her fingers clenched tightly into her palm. But before I can step in front of her and ask her what the hell happened in there the locker room door swings open and again sends a loud banging sound into the rest of the school. Brittany stops as she walks out looking to see which direction Santana had gone and she takes some steps our way.

"Santana stop walking away from me." Britt says trying to stay quiet while following Santana, but loud enough to get her attention and stern enough to let her know she means business. Santana doesn't stop. "Stop." She tries a little louder and harder. But nothing happens, until she finally screams. "Santana!"

Everyone in the hall stops what they are doing. No one is moving or talking or breathing for that matter. At the sound of her name at piercing volumes, Santana stops dead in her tracks. I can see her, her head facing forward, her eyes looking around at who is paying attention, her back still to Brittany.

When I look back at Brittany I sense slight shock covering her face, she was not prepared for how loud her voice was actually going to come out. But I can also see she does not care in the least and chances a few more steps towards a very still Santana.

"San." Brittany's voice is softer, the way it usually is but with a hint of fear laced in. Santana swiftly turns on her heels and crosses her arms over her chest cocking out a hip.

"What Brittany? What do you want?" She's cold and Brittany I can sense is taken aback but kind of prepared for the tone of voice.

"I just want to talk." She tries to explain taking a tentative step towards Santana.

"I don't want to hear what you have to say." Santana tells her, it's a lie but she makes it sound so believable that I can see the pain in Brittany's eyes.

"Just let me explain wh…" Santana completely cuts her off craning her neck towards her best friend to get her point across.

"Stop it Brittany." Her voice carries out through the otherwise extremely quiet hallway with gawking students. "I don't care can't you get that through your thick skull." She yells and I shut my eyes tightly not wanting to be exposed to the sight of Brittany's heart breaking completely in half and various scattered pieces falling from those halves. My own heart goes right into the bottom of my stomach I'm certain it's currently in my ass.

I can tell by how quickly Santana cuts off her own words that she regrets what she had just said. When I finally dare to open my eyes I can see the glimmer of tears in Brittany's crystal blue eyes and the way that Santana's head falls back into place and all but hanging in guilt and remorse.

Santana's jaw moves and I'm sure she is racking her brain for some sort of an apology but since I hear nothing I gather she can't think right now what with all the shock coursing through her body. Brittany, much like the rest of us, stares at Santana in disbelief. Santana closes her mouth and shakes her head probably at herself, maybe the situation, maybe the embarrassment and she turns around slowly preparing herself for the walk of shame. The walk of shame you uncomfortably take when you've said something you regret and escape is so far away.

"You're so angry and being mean." Brittany calls out to a retreating Santana who pauses at the broken silence, but she doesn't turn around. "You're angry because you can't handle… things." Santana hangs her head. "You're mad at yourself and you're taking it out on me." Brittany's voice falters, cracking at the end but she pushes it out. "I've tried to let it slide because I could see you were in pain and sad and mad even if you won't admit it. But I can't anymore." I can hear those tears hiding and the sob threatening to tumble from her throat to her mouth to our ears and I cringe. "So don't worry. Don't worry your future of being top bitch at this school is on lock your status secure. This, whatever this is now between us, for the first time in my life, I can honestly say… that future is blurry." And with that Brittany turns around and walks out the double doors that lead to the parking lot leaving half of the hallway watching her image vanish and the other half is staring at Santana for some sort of reaction.

But in true Santana Lopez fashion she straightens up her shoulders, holds her chin up and walks down the hallway disappearing around a corner.

I can feel Sam and Finn staring at me but all I can see are the tears that had been held in those blue eyes. I want to run after Brittany and comfort her and tell her that she shouldn't worry and that telling Santana how she feels is a good thing even if it didn't turn out the way she planned it to. But then I can't help but think if it turned out exactly the way she thought it would.

I guess I can't wrap my head around the way that Santana just treated her. For someone who has recently revealed to me and possibly to herself that she loves Brittany, she sure didn't act like it. It was an opening for her. The moment she has been waiting for, a moment I have been waiting for and she ran away from it. She hid herself because of Brittany's simple words. She is running and hiding from her best friend, because she loves her back.

Maybe she doesn't know how to love her back without pain.

Without even acknowledging Sam or Finn I push passed them and head in Santana's direction. I have a good idea where she is and I make my journey to the bathroom by our lockers. I'm not really all that surprised to find the hall by that bathroom to be empty because the bell has just rang and besides that the kids in the hall of the previous situation, everyone should be in class.

I push the door open with force and spot her with her hands resting on the sides of the sink and leaning towards the mirror analyzing her reflection. She doesn't let me know that she knows I'm here, trying to stay busy with herself.

"I don't know what you're trying to do, but whatever it is just stop." She yells at me when I take a spot next to her by the sink firmly putting my hands on the sides of it just like her. "I know you heard her in the locker room, and yeah you know. But me telling you is one thing."

"I don't care. I wouldn't care or judge if you two were together Santana." I tell her. "God, no one cares." I say loudly my voice echoes off of the tiles in the girl's bathroom.

"Yeah until I come to school one morning and get a slushy facial and 'dyke' spray painted on my locker." She spits back with fire behind it.

"Okay 'One Tree Hill' reference." I roll my eyes turning around to lean against the sink and I cross my arms. "This isn't some teen drama, this is real life." I explain to her trying to keep my tone strong.

"Exactly." She shouts. "This isn't some T.V. show where I go through the ups and downs of being a confused teenager and at the end of the episode there's a life lesson or happy ending. If this gets out, if I… if anyone knew then I'd be over."

"So that's all you really care about, your reputation?" I ask quietly, confused and although I'm not surprised, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little.

"It's all I've got left. It's all I've ever had." She shrugs grabbing her lip gloss from her Cheerio top and leans in to apply it carefully.

"Maybe because you don't let anything else in." I berate her whipping my head to look at her eyes through the mirror.

"Yeah well, whatever. It's done. It's over." She shrugs looking at her reflection and I can't stand to look at her anymore. I turn to leave but before I do I find one more thing to say to her.

"If you keep this up you're just gonna die alone and miserable." She chuckles shaking her head and leans her hands onto the sink. She smirks and then looks at me through the mirror.

"What makes you think I haven't already?"


	13. Chapter 13

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**_welcome to chapter 13. it's not that long, but its about quality not quantity right? well, i hope it good quality lol. anywho... heres to liking it, cheers._**

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"If you keep this up you're just gonna die alone and miserable." She chuckles shaking her head and leans her hands onto the sink. She smirks and then looks at me through the mirror.

"What makes you think I haven't already?" She says to me, her eyes boring into mine and it's then I see the emptiness in them. After a few short lived seconds she turns to look back at reflection to get lost in herself as I have noticed she does often.

I want to stay and reply. I want to say something uplifting, meaningful, something that would strike a chord and pull her out of this self deprecating funk she has apparently been living in. But nothing I can think of can even begin to erase and repair everything Santana obviously really thinks about herself.

So instead of walking back towards her and telling her she is better than all of this negativity that is radiating off of her and out of her mouth I stand there a little longer and watch her apply her lip plumping lip gloss. Instead of staying in that bathroom and trying to convince her she is not dead inside and that she can be something so much better than she is letting herself be, I leave.

I stand outside of the bathroom for probably a lot longer than necessary. Maybe somewhere inside I'm thinking that if I stand out here long enough I will still be here when she decides to come out and we can redo this conversation. And that everything in my head will just come out and maybe I can fix all of this.

Because this is when it hits me.

This is when it occurs to me that maybe, just maybe it's not just about reputation. Sure, it's probably a lot of it, but maybe it's a little bit of something else too. It comes to my mind that perhaps Santana does not feel good enough for Brittany. That she is a screw up, a deviant, a bad influence… the school slut.

She's tainted.

Tainted and scared. Most things Brittany is not.

I spend the last two classes of the day over analyzing the situation and my sudden epiphany. Making lists in my mind of the differences between the two friends. And though there are many, the differences complement each other. Where Brittany is somewhat reserved, Santana is outspoken. Where Brittany is in a dreamlike haze, Santana is a realist. Santana keeps Brittany grounded but Brittany allows Santana to be carefree.

Yeah, maybe Santana's differences from Brittany's are so harsh and polar opposite, but that's just the way things are. They're friendship has never been affected before, so why now? Because now it's different. It's not just friendship, there's more at stake.

I can't help but wonder if this is what is making Santana push away so hard and be so cruel lately. That Brittany loves her anyway. That in spite of their differences and Santana's harsh reality she lives in, harsh words she sometimes says, her glares, scowls and arms firmly placed across her chest with her hip cocked out, Brittany still loves her.

Regardless of all of the negativity, the venom, the looks, lies and sexual escapades with others, Brittany still loves her. She loves her anyway. Even after the incident in the hallway, I'm sure Brittany is still thinking about how much she loves Santana even though she is mad at her.

In the hallway I hear random conversations, some of them containing gossip of the event from 7th period. How Santana is crazy and Brittany ran out of school. I was actually impressed to hear that the story stayed relatively close to the truth minus the occasional 'telephone' rumor of how Santana slapped her best friend across the face for sleeping with Puck. I couldn't help but giggle slightly at that one.

After the final bell I had sent Brittany a text to check on her. There was no response though, not that I was expecting one really. I don't even think she had it on her she left school completely, I didn't see her in class last period.

I'm not really all that surprised when I walk in to the choir room and spot Santana sitting in one of the seats in front filing her nails diligently. I also am not shocked to catch a bunch of the group watching her as if she were on display whispering closely between one another. I take a seat a few away from her and in front of Sam who is talking to Finn and pointing.

"I heard she yelled at Brittany." Sam whispers in my ear as he leans down wrapping his arms around me. I force a smile pretending to enjoy the closeness but I can't fight my body when it shrugs his arms off of me. I glance over my shoulder and nod at the statement.

"Yeah, it was pretty bad." I tell him and chance a glance to Santana who is still focused on her handy work. I try to go with my plan to roll my eyes but something at the door moving at an unusually rapid pace catches my attention.

Artie rolls through the room clearly with a destination in mind and a strange look on his face. I sense the tension in the room as some whispers quickly fade out of the room upon his presence and I'm almost positive I hear a gasp or two and bodies hitting the backs of chairs.

"I just spoke to Brittany." Artie tells her, his wheelchair coming to a complete stop in front of Santana's chair. She doesn't even acknowledge his presence and continues to watch herself filing her nails.

"Well let me go alert the media." She spits back without a care in the world.

"You know she went home in tears, she's still crying." He says and his words are so hard and I guess Santana finally realizes his not going away because she huffs and lets her hands fall to her side before glaring at him and crossing her arms over chest. "You really hurt her." He presses but I can sense his frustration when there is absolutely no response, not even a blink or a breath from Santana.

"Maybe she's too sensitive." She explains matter of factly and I can feel my own eyebrows furrowing.

I don't see how she can just sit there and be so passive about all of this. I was there, hell half of us were there as she practically ripped Brittany's heart out and stomped on it. Well, at least that's what I saw obviously the rest of the school didn't know the cause of the verbal smack down that took place in the hall right after 7th period.

But none of us do anything to stop this confrontation. I think that half of us are scared while the other half is just waiting for some kind of reaction from Santana, but right now nothing is going down. So we continue to be spectators.

"Maybe you're just a bitch." Artie snaps back at her gripping the arm rests of his wheelchair so hard his knuckles are turning white.

I can't tell whether its fear making him hold tight or he's really that pissed. I hear a few gasps, one chuckle and everyone has their mouths hanging open. Santana's arms uncross and her hands fall to her lap and she quirks an eyebrow.

"You think you can say whatever you want and hurt everybody's feelings, but you can't. It's not right." His tone is getting a little louder and harsher and I find it unsettling.

I gather that I am not the only who feels this way when I notice Tina fidget uncomfortably in her chair and avert her eyes from the situation. Santana continues to sit still, her eyes locked onto Artie and her jaw clenched. She stays silent, very untrue to form.

"You're just an angry, lonely, pathetic, jealous and manipulative spoiled brat." He hisses and I can almost taste the venom in his words. "You're bitter and Brittany's better off without you. You don't deserve her friendship or anyone's for that matter."

"Artie." I hear from a few seats away from me.

I turn to see where the kind of whisper had come from and see that Tina had finally brought her eyes back up to the situation. The tone in her voice is of shock and disappointment going right along with the look she is giving him. Santana does not react to the new voice in the room she keeps her eyes still and fixed on the boy in front of her. She hasn't moved a muscle.

"What?" He asks incredulously, like, how dare someone question him right now. "I'm just saying what everyone else already thinks about her." He turns his attention back to Santana. "You're a bitch Santana. You're selfish and you only care about yourself." He chuckles coldly to himself shaking his head. "You'd probably kill your family and sell their body parts on eBay if it furthered you."

"Artie stop it." I finally find my voice and though it's not as menacing as I had intended it's definitely louder and harsher than Tina's. He doesn't acknowledge me or my scowl. Instead he smirks and leans forward clasping his hands in front of him.

"You prey on the weak and aren't satisfied until they are broken and that's how you operate." He acts like he is waiting for an answer but he isn't. I feel the tension in the room. And I can't help that I close my eyes tightly and clench my jaw. It breaks my heart that Santana has built all of these walls so high and so heavy and burned any possible bridge that not one person is willing to defend her. I tell him to stop it again but he again ignores me. "Are you happy now?" Not really a question. "Cause now you really have no friends."

"That's enough!" A loud bellowing voice comes from the choir room door and it catches all of our attention, except Santana's who still has her gaze forward on Artie. Finding it is Mr. Schu behind him he turns his attention back to Santana quickly finding her eyes.

"Are you done?" Santana finally breaks the intense silence. They have a deep stare down and we all wait for her to lunge at him and knock his chair over and kill him with it. After a few long seconds of pretending to wait for an answer she looks passed Artie to Mr. Schu and raises her hand. "Mr. Schu." She brings her hand down to cover her mouth and fake coughs twice. "I'm sick." And with that she grabs her bag and walks out of the room really quickly practically making the sheet music on the piano fly to the floor.

We all watch her until she is no longer within sight and then look to Artie and then look to each other still in complete and utter shock. Mr. Schu awkwardly walks to the piano placing his briefcase down and shakes his head with disapproval. Without a second thought or even a plan to excuse myself I go to bend down and grab my books and that's when I hear a chair screech along the choir room floor. I pick my head up to find Rachel walking towards the door, but not before turning around and giving a decent scary glare in Artie's direction.

"She does have a heart you know." Rachel says to him clutching her books to her chest giving him a once over with her eyes. "She feels things too just like the rest of us, well, sometimes." Not waiting for any kind of a response she turns to Mr. Schu and then quickly glances at me before walking out the door.

I don't waste any time and follow Rachel's lead out the door. I find her as soon as I walk out of the choir room. It appears as though she was waiting for me to join her in a 'storm out'. Without speaking we head down the hallway, out shoes and out breathing making the only noise as we look for a possibly emotionally unstable Santana. After a few minutes of searching and coming up empty Rachel finally turns to me.

"Do you think she like, left left?" She asks pulling her books nervously closer to her chest. I bite my lip and glance around at the very empty hallway we are standing in.

"Probably." I answer her unhappy about it. She shakes her head and looks down at my books.

"That was really hard to sit through." Rachel sighs legitimately looking upset about it. But I don't question it, it's nice to see that regardless of all of the bullying Santana had thrown her way she still can find it in her to be a good person. So I nod in agreement and put 'be extra mean to Artie' on my list of things to do. "All of that was just really uncalled for. If Brittany had any idea that he said those things to Santana, well, I don't she'd be very happy." She muses and I agree but then my mind shoots back to the reason to why we are actually standing here having this conversation.

"Yeah, but, you weren't there." I tell her making her eyes dart back up to mine and I can't believe I'm actually having a meaningful conversation with Rachel Berry. But not only that, but a meaningful conversation about Santana Lopez of all people. "You have no idea." I can see her body stiffen up and she gets a better grip on her books.

"I was there I saw and heard everything Quinn." She says but I shake my head because that isn't what I was talking about.

"No." I vaguely respond and she tilts her head.

"Yes, I was standing right across the hallway from you, my locker is right by the Cheerio's locker room." She explains and I just roll my eyes figuring that I was not going to be able to go through a conversation with Rachel Berry without her rambling at some point.

"No Rachel." I snap at her and she jumps a little. I take a small breath to calm myself down and step closer to her not wanting what I am about to reveal to be heard by anyone else. "I meant you didn't see what happened before it exploded out into the hallway." I shoot her a knowing look and it takes a few minutes but eventually realization flows into her eyes and I nod. And then her eyebrows scrunch together in confusion.

"Wait so you were in the locker room with them?" She asks me and I feel my eyes rolling again.

"Yes." I hiss getting irritated at trying to be covert with my information and having to explain more than I probably should.

We stand there awkwardly for a moment, much like when we had taken Santana to Berry's house when she was drunk that one time. I find myself once again wanting to explode everything I know to her, well she knows some, but she doesn't know everything. I seriously contemplate it and as I open my mouth to speak it's as though the fates of the world come in and my cell phone goes off.


	14. Chapter 14

**_HEEEYyoooo. (just wanted to let you know, and i know it seems like i'm plugging my other story but i have to inform you that i'm hoping to get the next chapter of 'random acts' up by tomorrow evening:))_**

**_moving on... _**

**_read, review but most of all have fun:)_**

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I had thought about leaving Rachel behind at school when I got the call. But as I weighed my options or the consequences of my actions I decided it would be best to keep her with me. Leaving her in the halls of McKinley with an enraged Lopez wandering the premises didn't seem like the wisest of choices. It's a small army, the one that I have slowly been building, but it's an army none the less and we seriously can't afford any casualties.

Seeing Rachel stand up for Santana in her own diva-storm out kind of way made me believe that the day at her house with a very intoxicated Santana allowed her to see a bit of herself in her normally 'arch nemesis' of sorts. The heartache, the torture from within, the lies and secrets kept close but seen to the trained eye. If anyone could understand a bit of Santana's propensity for lies and deceit to save face, well, Rachel Berry would understand I guess. She had lied to Finn about Jesse to cheating on him with Puck and that is pretty much how she had gotten herself to here. Alone, just like Santana.

True their situations are extremely different. But heartache is heartache and pain is pain and sorrow is sorrow. Regret, well it's always the same no matter the circumstances. There are no bearings on emotional status. You either feel something or you don't. There are no certain terms to meet and no checklist to fill out to make sure you are qualified to feel the way you do. You just feel.

So as we stood outside, ringing the doorbell for what felt like the millionth time, I went over the ramifications of getting Rachel involved. Because let's face it, she's already involved whether I let her in the know or not. She saw. She heard. She witnessed the breakdown of one of the most feared people at our school. The intimidation alone is enough to keep her at more than an arm's length from someone like Santana Lopez, but I guess it's the humanity in Rachel that allows her to see pass the ice, the fire and a vocabulary consisting of four letter words.

Or maybe it's none of that. Maybe it is just for the simple fact that she can see a little bit of herself in the broken little girl she had seen outside of school that day. Maybe she sees a small speck of her in the tears that had spilled out onto her pillows that day, tears that fell to meet the remnants of her own tears she has undoubtedly cried. Perhaps she's sees something in Santana that almost nobody sees. Something that can be fixed or maybe something that is already there, something that has always been there.

Maybe she sees a hint of that thing that Brittany can see so well.

I check my phone to see how long we have been standing here and I can't help but get a little agitated at the waiting process. I look to Rachel who nervously shifts her feet biting her lower lip. My eyes dart around to the snow covered flower beds beside the porch we have been standing on for a while now. I contemplate dusting the snow off and search for the hide-a-key I'm sure is securely hidden within the rest of the soil.

But I don't.

I've been searching for so many things these days that I'm tired of searching and thinking I've found what I've been looking for to be let down. I guess it's kind of foolish to relate a hide-a-key beneath the snow to that of the relations or non-relations of two estranged friends. But thoughts are thoughts.

Instead of ringing the doorbell another time and even skipping over the knocking on the actual door part of the equation I decide on checking the front door. I definitely could have saved both Rachel and I from the freezing cold temperatures of a February day in Lima had this been my first move. But I find when trapped in a semi stressful and unsure situation, common sense flies right out the window.

I slowly push the door open and motion for Rachel to follow me. We enter the house quietly not wanting to make any loud or sudden sounds. There's nothing more upsetting than being startled when you're in the middle of an emotional breakdown or breakthrough. It ruins the whole process.

I glance around as I shut the door behind us noticing that the house is void of parents and younger siblings at the moment. It's kind of unusual for this home but considering the mood of the day it all feels quite natural. I slip my shoes off by the hall closet and Rachel follows suit and I lead the way up the stairs to bring us to our destination.

Worry and a dash of curiosity cloud around me as we reach the hallway of the second floor. I'm not sure if I should be relieved or not when I don't hear any kind of noises from the bedroom. Yeah, the door is closed, but I can't imagine that a piece of wood would be able to suffocate the sobbing sounds coming from her throat. But then why isn't she crying? Like is said to worry or not to worry?

I lightly knock with the back of my hand shooting Rachel a questioning glance before I hear a muffled sound which I can only assume as 'come in'. So with that direction I move onward pushing the door open to her bedroom.

"Hey B." I say softly before I even spot her, opening the door more for Rachel who is right on my heels tip toeing softly.

My eyes land on my blonde friend sitting in on her bed with her back against the headboard looking straight ahead. I follow her vision to find that the television is not on and then go back to her face which is blank. I feel my eyebrows scrunch together taking slow but meaningful steps towards the bed. She finally acknowledges me when I take a spot beside her on the bed I think it was more of the movement that broke her from her daze rather than the knowledge of me actually being here.

"Hey." She says back to me and I can tell that she had indeed been crying from the sound of her voice. Her eyes look over me and then back to me but there is no reaction on her face. It just is. "I'm so tired." She whispers more to herself than I think to anyone in particular. I side eye Rachel and without words tell her to sit down.

"You weren't at Glee." Rachel tells her and I can't help the eye roll from happening it's just a natural occurrence. I feel Brittany fidget beside me and her head looks straight ahead as before. She doesn't answer Rachel, not that it was actually a question, but she stays still and quiet.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I offer even though I'm sure I already know the answer. There really isn't much to discuss. She replays the situation we had all witnessed, I tell her Santana didn't mean it, she most likely cries and then I go home never fixing anything and Brittany stays here still lost.

"Artie won't stop calling me." Brittany says motioning to her phone that is on the floor by her closer. Rachel and I look over to the phone that looks like the battery fell out when she, I can only assume, threw it across the room and into the wall.

"He kind of, let Santana have it." Rachel hesitantly informs her and Brittany's head lifts up from her chest and tilts to the side. I look at Rachel because I'm not entirely sure this is vital information to share right at this moment.

"What?" But it's too late because Brittany wants to know. When Rachel clamps her mouth shut tightly Brittany turns to me expectantly. "What happened with Artie and Santana?" Her voice is filled with worry. I take a deep breath finally able to tear my eyes away from her sweet and innocent deep blues.

"Well, he said he talked to you and you were upset." I begin and as soon as I hear her sniffle I grab her hand in my own holding it tightly between both of my hands. "He yelled at her." I vaguely explain because some of the things he had said just didn't taste good on my tongue.

"What did he say?" The question comes out as a breath would. She wants to know but I can tell by the tone and delivery she is almost too scared to know.

"He, umm, I mean I understand where he is coming from and all…"

"Q." She stops me from rambling and looks for my eyes until I meet hers.

"He told her that she has no friends now and that she doesn't deserve you at all." I can see some shock in her eyes but I know Rachel can't see the shock because it doesn't show anywhere else on her face. "He called her a bitch and a spoiled brat and… and it was just really bad."

"Yeah, I even stood up for her that's how bad it was." Rachel adds looking down at her hands resting in her lap.

"Why would he do that?" Brittany asks and this time that worry and scared sound in her words is replaced with a slice of anger. I see Rachel's head jerk back and I know she is merely doing what my body won't at the moment.

"He is your boyfriend Britt. He is obviously going to stand up for you." Rachel tells her and Brittany shakes her head. "Granted he took being a good boyfriend a little too far considering his choice of words but."

"Oh my god, San." Brittany whispers out and her empty hand goes to her cheek. "What did she do? Did she get arrested?" Rachel looks to me, and I most definitely giving her the same questioning look.

"Umm, what? Why?" I ask her finally turning my attention back to the girl beside me.

"For killing Artie." I stifle a laugh because it figures that even in the state she is in Brittany can still manage to say the most incredible things. Rachel on the other hand has her mouth hanging open and the lunacy.

"She sat there and let him say everything he said." I tell her and I can't look at her. I don't know why. "She sat there so still and just listened to everything he had to say to her. She took it." I wasn't just saying the words for Brittany or Rachel, who obviously had been there to witness it herself, but I was repeating everything for myself.

We all sat in complete silence going over my words and playing it out in our minds.

Santana Lopez. Top ice queen of all Ohio, crudest, intolerable, snippy and brash. Never late with a quip or a witty remark laced with irony, truth and cruelty. And she just sat there and took it.

Artie was right about one thing before his rant spewed onto Santana's skin and crawled under her armor. He had said he was only saying things everyone already thought about her. It's true. Every single one of us in that room today had thought at least one of those things about Santana before. Maybe even some of us still think those things from time to time.

Like I had said to Brittany when I advised her to tell Santana she loved her. Thinking things, knowing things are so different when you actually hear them. This was no different.

But, in the last few months I have been able to discover, just what Rachel had said in the choir room before we left. 'She does have a heart and she feels things too'. Just because Santana is and acts a certain way doesn't mean that it's the person she wants to be. I would like to think it's fairly obvious that she is not happy with the person she has been or become.

She's a cold hearted person who pushes and pulls people for her benefit, this is true, but it's a defensive mechanism and that is what Artie had failed to shed light on. Where he declared her a horrible person just for the sake of being there is in fact a method to her madness. True, there are those few people that do things simply to do them and do not think of the consequences but those people are usually inmates at Lima correctional facility down town.

Santana is too young to be mean for no reason. She's too talented to be cast aside as she so normally is due to her attitude problem and sharp tongue. She's too smart for her own good and too dumb when it counts. She loves too much to the point where she punishes herself because she thinks she's not good enough. And its words like bitch, spoiled brat, selfish, manipulative that keep her acting out. It's the conditioning she is used to and does not know how to deviate from it. It's words like whore and tramp and easy that make her keep crawling up to guys like Puck for acceptance and some sort of a reputation. Because that is the kind of girl she is known to be and that is all she knows to be because that is what she has been conditioned to be.

"She's broken." Brittany snaps us all out of our daze and of the replays running through our heads. I take a deep breath and look over at her as her eyes focus on whatever she has been staring at. It's not sad, the way she says it and it's not false or thought provoked. It's a statement, a pure fact that she has only come to realize. And it's true so I nod.

Silence finds us again and I can't help but sense Rachel's uncomfortable being here and in this clearly poignant moment for Brittany. I find it odd because Rachel has never before shown any problem in sticking her nose in other people's problems. But this is so different than any other problem anyone has faced at McKinley. It's hidden, it's unspoken, its secrets and notebooks and songs in the auditorium. It's Fight Club. The incident with Artie is but a mere cover for a spat between friends. Everybody knows but no one suspects a thing. It's Fight Club.

There are a few more two word sentences thrown here and there but majority of our time together is relatively silent. Rachel suggests for her to get some sleep and retrieves her phone from the floor placing the battery back in and turning it on. She tells Brittany she is programming her number in case she wants to talk about anything or sit in an extremely uncomfortable silence for a long period of time.

I kiss her forehead and say goodbye and that if she needs me not to hesitate. But as we get to the door for some reason I am overcome with this one thought. I try to bite my tongue and keep my body forward to the hallway but I guess I'm just compelled to dive further into this than I ever thought I would be when I had first started this. I turn around once I reach the door and get Brittany to look at me.

"Tell her again." I say and I can see my words slowly register across her face and she furrows her brows.

"What?" She asks and I know she's not asking me to repeat myself she wants an explanation as to why I am saying what I'm saying.

"Tell her again." I decide repeating myself is much more powerful than any other explanation. Brittany shakes her head once probably trying to let the words sink in to what I mean them to mean.

"This is how this whole thing happened." I can tell she wants to yell it but that's not how it comes out, her voice just sounds tired and that's when I finally understand what she had meant by being tired when we first got here. I swallow hard because I know that what I want to say doesn't want to come out just yet.

"Tell her again." I feel the words tumbling out of my mouth and I am baffled that this is all I can come up with. I can go on for hours thinking of what to say to these two girls and other various people yet when put in the situation I become repetitive, like legitimately repeating things.

But instead of fighting me this time with a huff, a sigh of a questioning sentence she sits up right and tilts her head. She looks at my eyes. I can only hope she can see what I can't say to her. I can only hope she can hear what I'm saying without actually saying it. So when she nods once I let out a breath that I hadn't known I was holding and send her a small smile.

"Do you want a repeat of today? Because if I'm being honest Santana yelling at Brittany is the saddest thing I have ever seen. Her face chipped a little piece from my heart and I'm pretty sure hers is still in the Cheerio hallway." Rachel rambles once we step out of the Pierce home. I roll my eyes figuring that quite one sentence Rachel would only last for so long. "And then more yelling at Brittany will only fuel Artie's apparent fiery hatred for Santana and then Santana's all broken and broody and it's kind of uncomfortable to witness when she doesn't retaliate." She fidgets like the thought of Santana taking a verbal smack down makes her itchy and I can't help the small squeaky giggle. "What?" She asks me as though I had a secret joke with myself at her expense, which this is probably the first time since the 6th grade that that is not the case.

"Nothing. It's just, kind of weird that you are interested in Santana's well being, or mean being whatever it is you are worried about." I explain to her as we head down the street towards no real direction.

"Do you think he knows?" She contemplates and I don't really pay the question any mind because it sounds like it's to herself. But when she turns her head I pick up that I was intended to answer. "I mean maybe that's why he is so harsh with Santana. I mean I've seen some of the looks he gives her. So maybe he knows." She pauses waiting for any kind of response from me but I just keep walking with my head forward. "Do you?"

"Do I what?" I ask trying to sound like I am not in the same mind frame as her, but I can smell it off of her, she knows everything and it completely boggles my mind.

"Do you think he knows that Brittany loves Santana?" She finally comes out with the very words on the tip of my brain and tongue.

"What?" I try to play it off though as if it were the strangest concept. Yeah she had been witness to a sort of declaration of Santana's, but not to Brittany's.

"I might be very self absorbed but I'm not an idiot." Rachel says stopping in her tracks causing me to as well and I turn to look at her. "I mean it's obvious but only to those who actually pay attention and, well, we both know our school isn't famous for its academic standings." I stare at her because I can't imagine her doing what I have been doing. Watching and listening. I mean thinking about it in my head sounds creepy and even though Rachel Berry is a strange life form, I even thinking semi-stalking is even a little too un-cool for her. "People who are just friends don't fight like this. People who have boyfriends don't runaway after a spat with their friend and then get mad at said boyfriend for defending their honor." She pauses and looks around as if making sure it is safe to finish her thoughts into the open air between us. "People who are just friends with people like Brittany don't make her act like this." I look down at the snowy sidewalk we had been traveling on, my shoes are all scuffed and slush ridden and I want so desperately to think about how I need to clean them but my mind seems to have its own powers now and does not listen. "But like I said, it's only obvious to those who actually pay attention." She nods at her repetition very similar to mine only minutes ago in Brittany's bedroom.

Rachel stands there waiting for something to come out of my mouth a sigh, an actual verbal response, a hum anything but when it doesn't happen she brushes pass me and continues in the direction we were heading. With so many things floating around my mind I turn and catch up to her and let the first thing I can manage to form come out to her.

"I told her to tell her." I admit catching my breath from the mild jog I had to partake in to get beside her once more. I swallow the heaved breathes and shove my hands in my pockets to fight this horrible cold. "I told Brittany to tell Santana how she feels." My eyes trace over the snow that we are heading towards and haven't treaded onto yet and I feel her stare on me. "She did, in the locker room. She said 'I'm in love with you'." She I quickly glance to my right, to Rachel before looking to the ground again. "And then, then the hallway happened." I shrug because it's pretty much the gist of what had went down today. I know that I should in some way feel slightly guilty for everything negative that had happened, but I don't. And if I could I'd give Brittany the same advice. And, yeah, I guess I did just that.

"Is that what you meant?" Rachel asks me letting her gaze fall from my face and to the ground just as mine was stuck. "When you told her to tell her again." She clarifies and I just nod, it seems easier than words right now. "Hm". She hums and I can't help but lift my head and send her a quirked eyebrow of confusion.

"Bad advice huh? Especially considering today." I shake my head at myself I should have known better. I'm just throwing Brittany into the line of fire.

"Actually, I think it's the best advice you could give her." If my eyebrow could go any higher it would probably be off of my face but she shrugs it off and we stop walking as we come to a corner. "Sometimes people say things to us and it's hard because words are just words you know? Like 'I'm sorry' can never seem to be good enough and it loses its… sizzle if you will." She thinks as she speaks frequently looking up to the sky to retrieve her thoughts. "I know that I would never get sick and tired of hearing someone tell me they love me over and over again, especially if they meant it." She muses thinking with a small smile tugging at the corner of her lips and I'm wondering if she is thinking about Finn right now. "But people like Santana are different in that aspect. They hear I love you and they get scared and no one really knows why but they just do."

"You do know that you are talking about a girl whose main goal last year was getting you slushied every day and she also took your ex-boyfriend's virginity." I remind her because all of this good talk about S from Rachel just sounds weird. She shrugs and looks over her shoulder at a car that is passing us by before looking back to me.

"Yeah, I know it's probably the strangest thing to happen at McKinley High but, I guess, call me an optimist but I try my best to see the good in people. I know Brittany is a good person and she like Santana for some reason or another. So I can only assume she's really not all that bad." I feel my lips turn into a smirk.

I wonder if other people have the same thought process as Rachel Berry. Probably not, we are teenagers in high school. People are too wrapped up about image and not feeling anything. She shrugs her shoulders again and gives me a small wave motioning she is going to head down the block where her house is. I nod and turn the opposite way where mine is. I may be about five feet from where we had just stood when I hear Rachel yell my name. I turn to find her facing me on the other side of the street with her hands in her pockets looking thoughtful.

"She has a lot of love, inside of her. Maybe too much." She tells me her thoughts out loud and the wind brings it to my ears. "She just needs to feel safe enough to let it go."

I nod in agreement and at the wisdom in her words. I stand in my place and watch as Rachel turns around and walks down the block looking around and probably enjoying the winter wonderland that has made Lima seem serene.


	15. Chapter 15

_**chapter 15 :) thanks for all of your lovely reviews and kind words. now, i don't hate this chapter, not in the least. idk how to explain it. i mean i wouldn't post anything that i didn't think was productive in storyline purposes but it is. so review and let me know what you think because it really helps and means a lot:)**_

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I half expected that when I reached my locker today that I'd find a mopey Santana lingering by her locker, perhaps in idle hope of running into Brittany with an apology speech ready. That she would say sorry for all of the things she had said in the Cheerio hallway yesterday and most importantly say sorry for all of the things she hasn't said.

Then after she rattled off her long list of short comings in the emotional capacity of her body Brittany's sad and cracked upside down smile would fade away and be replaced with the sunshine and happiness that was normally placed upon her face. They would make up right then and there and then everything would be alright again, well, in the world of Santana and Brittany, and perhaps in my own as well.

But I'm not delusional enough to believe in half expectations when it comes to reality. Because half expectations are all really fantasies and hope and wishes that you make with your magic 8 ball when you can't find answers anywhere. You just settle for the road that leads you in the happy direction because the other road only leads to more forks with less definitive answers.

So as I slowly pull up to my locker I'm not surprised to find Santana standing in front of her locker staring at her reflection touching up her lip gloss. It's a sight I have seen so many times and only recently has it dawned on me the subtle or maybe not so subtle meaning behind this quite normal action. A girl so enveloped in outward appearances thinking that they are the only ones that matter, to the outside world anyway.

I try not to make eye contact with her reflection because I don't really know if I have anything to say to her. Normally I'd rest against the locker next to hers and try and dig under that wall she keeps up that strictly reads 'Keep Out Quinn Fabray'. I had been making progress with that hole and I'd like to think that it hasn't gone to waste.

Out of the corner of my eye I can see her in her own little world of self obsession and completely blocking off the rest of the swarming hallway focusing solely on herself. And just as I think of something to say and break the ice between us I feel a body sidle up to the opposite side from where Santana is.

I turn to find Rachel leaning her back against the locker next to my own and I offer her a small smile actually acknowledging her presence. She smiles back and pulls her books closer to her and she motions her stare to Santana but doesn't keep her gaze in that direction for long. I shake my head silently answering the question she did not need words to ask and I see her face fall slightly, only mirroring my very thoughts and feelings on the subject.

When I turn back to face Santana's back I see her glaring at me through her mirror and she shakes her head reaching around her locker and shutting it fiercely. I'm actually more than shocked to find that Brittany is standing right in front of Santana after the locker is completely shut. Santana is pretty stunned to, I notice one of her feet half step back but she catches herself taking that half step over once more.

Brittany looks nervously down at her feet over her binder, her lower lip placed between her teeth and her fingers trying to keep a firm grasp on her books. Santana shifts her weight to one foot and she firmly crosses her arms, her patented 'challenge' stance and she waits for something, anything to come out of Brittany's mouth. I nervously look on. It's like a horrible uncomfortable conversation but without words and I feel a little sick having to witness it.

By the time Brittany brings her eyes up Santana's back is already to her and she has already taken a few steps my way and stops right in front of me. She looks me up and down and then shoots a disapproving scowl over at Rachel before letting her eyes fall back on to me.

"Geez Fabray, at first I thought you were just bored when you were stalking me. But now you're hanging out with Berry." She shakes her head and her face reads less like disapproval and more of disgust. "Now you've just confirmed you're pathetic." She walks away not even leaving a breath of a second for me to retaliate and I shockingly watch her saunter down the hallway her pony waving from side to side in the same perfect motion of her skirt.

When I can't see her anymore my eyes find the floor because even though I didn't say it I'd be lying if I said it was something I wouldn't say to or about Rachel. Rachel shrugs and nods over to Brittany who is standing at her locker with her head against it and looking down at the ground.

It doesn't matter what anyone says. Hearts will break and tears will be cried and there is no stopping those things from happening especially when dealing with someone like Santana. I want to tell Brittany that it is going to be okay, but I don't make promises that I can't keep. In fact it looks like it's going to get a lot harder before it gets easier and even easier doesn't mean it's going to be okay.

I feel Rachel move away from me causing a slight chill to fall over my arm and I watch her walk over to Brittany. She leans in towards her ear, placing a gentle hand on her shoulder to ease her pain even if for a brief moment. I don't hear what she says and that's okay with me because some things are better left to be unknown. When Rachel pulls away Brittany lifts her head from her locker and she nods. Rachel looks over to me and offers a smile and a nod and before I know it I am standing all by myself at my locker watching Rachel lead Brittany down the hallway, the opposite way that Santana had retreated to.

I shut my locker and turn to make my way to class but I stop when I find Artie parked in front of me. I see his eyes looking down the hallway in the direction that Brittany and Rachel had just disappeared down. I look around wondering if I can make a quick escape before he looks back at me.

"Do you know what's wrong with Brittany?" He asks his shoulders slump and he breaks his gaze from me.

"What?" I return because I mean other than the obvious, to me anyway, what else could possibly be wrong with her. My tone must have been harsh because his head snaps up and he looks a little taken aback.

"I mean, she didn't answer any of my phone calls last night and I guess I figured that she would wait for me by her locker like she always does." He explains to me and he shrugs with disappointment, much different than the disappointment that plagued Santana's face minutes ago.

"Well," I start and brush past him not wanting to have 'this' type of conversation with him, even though I have already chosen my next words prior to this confrontation. "You were kind of a douche yesterday." I say simply and I hear his wheel chair unlock and when I turn from the sound he spins it to face me.

"How was I a douche? I'm not the one who yelled at her in the middle of a crowded hallway." He defends himself and all I can think is that he made the usually chipper blonde cry inadvertently. "All I did was stand up for her." He explains further and I feel my eyes rolling before I can even stop them.

"No you didn't, you just made things worse." I find myself saying and I know for a fact he won't even pick up on the fact that I don't mean his and Brittany's relationship. And just as I suspected his shoulders slump as they did before when he tried to play the woe is me card.

"I know Santana's her best friend, but she hasn't been acting like it. Brittany's sweet and thoughtful and yeah, she may not be the brightest but…"

"Did you really just call your girlfriend stupid?" I cut him off shaking my head not believing my ears. There's a slight trace of panic in his eyes but he recovers quickly, but not quickly enough because I can see his guilt.

"No, that's not what I meant." He tries to back track, his back straightening up in his chair and he fixes his glasses avoiding my stare.

"I'm sorry I must have misunderstood. English is my first language I must have gotten confused with the translation from douche to English." I snap at him but while still maintaining my soft angelic voice and then I whip my body around with such force I can feel my skirt whirl in the wind and I stalk down to my class.

I hastily pull my phone out prepared to send a mass text to all of the popular, the beautiful and the jocks of the social hierarchy. I was so close to sending out the order of an all day full force slushy attack on one Artie Abrams, but before I pressed the button that would seal his fate I snapped my phone closed. Throwing all of the slushies in all of McKinley onto Artie would not take away the fact that he thinks his own girlfriend is stupid. It wouldn't suddenly make Brittany dump his sorry ass and it definitely wouldn't make Santana grow a pair and step up. This was not conducive to my plan.

I felt I needed to vent about this it seriously boggled my mind at the fact that this bothered me so much. I thought about what would happen if I told Brittany, she would cry. I thought about what would happen if I told Santana, then most likely Artie would be thrown in a dumpster, or found dead in a dumpster.

To be honest at this point both of the outcomes with telling Santana seemed to be more appealing but never the less I choose it's probably the worse out of the two to tell. When I get to class I rummage my phone out of my Cheerio's duffle bag and scroll down to my Glee contacts and I actually find myself huffing that I don't have Rachel's number stored in my phone. I even check under 'D' for drag queen, but no win there.

I settle for sulking in my chair not even bothering to open my notebook and I give the clock a death glare. I can only assume that the teacher can read my mood because I'm not even trying to hide it, because he never winds up calling on me which he usually does.

The rest of the day pretty much goes by without running into Artie which I am very grateful for but I did see him at lunch sitting with Brittany who seemed to be off in her own world. But interestingly enough she looked like she was kind of smiling. Santana made herself pretty scarce throughout the day and in our study hall together she either didn't show up or was just avoiding me.

I didn't see her until Cheerio's practice after school but with being on the bottom of the pyramid didn't exactly give us much time to interact. And Brittany was able to maintain distance from every single person on the team because Coach had her working on some dance solo off by herself. So all of practice was rather uneventful to say the least.

I got held back by Coach to go over some of the routines she was planning for Nationals, her notebook chock full of diagrams and intense bullet point instructions on how to perform them. I watched as the rest of the squad got to go and shower off the 'pungent odor of disgrace' as Sylvester had said. I noticed two other things as they scampered off to the locker room. Firstly Brittany was the first girl in the locker room and Santana seemed to be hanging back by the water cooler. I figured that Santana had seen Brittany dart in there and was trying to avoid her some more.

I try and pay attention to what coach is saying but I honestly cannot understand what she is babbling about because I am too entertained watching her arms flail as she speaks. She really is passionate about cheerleading I guess and it's amusing. So I let her continue and I nod when I'm meant to and I hum 'mhmm' when needed to prove I'm listening or at least pretending to. Her long rant ends and she huffs and rolls her eyes and tells me to stop looking at her like I just found out Oprah's really a robot and then she storms out of the gym.

I turn on my heels and spot Santana sitting on the bleachers with her fist under her chin and her eyes fixed on the wall across the room. Maybe it's a bad idea but I decide to head over in her direction I mean, it's on my way anyhow so…

"Do you like being all sweaty?" I ask her breaking her from her thoughts and I pick up on the small smirk play on her lips and I know she is thinking of something sexual to say back. "Don't even, I pretty much gave that one to you." I scold her before she can even utter a word. She raises an eyebrow at me and nods in agreement.

"I was a bitch." Santana mumbles but I hear her.

"Yeah, what else is new?" I keep it light because I am alone in a room with a very unpredictable creature right now. She chuckles deep in her chest and she shakes her head.

"I was just taking it out on you." She admits sincerely looking away from me not wanting to be too vulnerable at this moment or at any moment really well, sometimes but not too often. She doesn't want to make a habit out of it I'm sure.

"Whatever." I shrug it off because I've learned to not take anything Santana says to heart. Not the mean things anyway because I know that more than half of the things she says are out of her own pain.

"Berry too." She adds in a lower voice and I inch in closer with a grin.

"Did you just say what I think you said?" I poke her cheek and she swats my hand away. "Ugh, come on let's go shower so you can wash all this mushy sensitive off of you. It's making me nauseous." We both giggle at my attempt at being witty even though I think I fully succeeded.

It's odd, this sudden reconciliation of sorts that Santana and I have been taking part in lately. It's like she trusts me but doesn't want to. It's kind of exhausting like I have to keep proving myself to her but I can't help but try because I remember the times when we meant something to one another. After having the baby last year I realized that your life can change in an instant literally a blink of an eye. So maybe it's not so bad that I suddenly care about all of these things that I have written off as none of my concern. If that little girl one day wants to know what kind of a woman/girl her birth mother was I want to be someone she'd be proud of. So maybe that's why I care.

By the time we get into the locker room it's pretty much almost empty. Most of the girl's were either getting changed or had left already which was a plus because we wouldn't have to fight for a shower. When we gather our toiletries and towels I take notice of the steam free room and the not so fogged up mirrors above the sinks. We must have been out in the gym a lot longer than I had originally thought. Brittany was nowhere in sight so I guess maybe _she_ was the one trying to do the avoiding.

The first few minutes of my shower are spent focusing on washing the rest of the conditioner out of my hair. Santana is a few stalls next to me, I think, because I can hear her humming something but it's not close enough for me to distinguish. I scrunch my nose trying to figure it out like that facial expression is going to help me hear it better.

"What are you humming?" I finally ask getting frustrated because I know I know the song I just can't place it.

"Stop trying to hit on me in the girl's locker room Q." Santana shouts over the water streaming out. I roll my eyes and sigh.

"You wish." I reply and I hear her cackle in that way she does when she's about to say 'yeah okay' in her sarcastic bitter tone. "There are some super good acoustics in here." I say out loud more to myself than to the girl a few stalls down.

"Oh I know." She instantly chimes in and her voice sounds like a child excited about something. "Me and Brittany practiced our ballad in here." Her voice trails off at the last part and I feel sad on the inside. It's quiet for a few moments and I'm sure she is just hoping against hope that I drop it and don't say something but Quinn Fabray always has something to say.

"You know that Artie is just her big gay for Santana beard." I tell her trying to make it come out more comedic than serious and it comes out as neither of those, in fact it almost comes out like a question of uncertainty. She doesn't give a response or a quip or anything so, I drop it. "You will not believe what Coach has planned for Nationals." I change the subject and I get an 'oh yeah?' reply within seconds. "Yeah, she showed me this sketch of a human cannon thing, I don't know, and there was fire it looked dangerous." I explain cringing at the images of fire and explosion she had showed me.

The sound of the water running is softer when I shut mine off leaving only Santana's going off. I ring the water from my hair, wrap my towel around me and gather my things. The room is as steamy as if probably was when the other dozen or so girls were in here but at a quick glance the mirrors fogged up pretty quick. My eyebrows furrow however and my head snaps back up to the mirrors because something caught my eye.

In the shower there are about eight stalls those stalls are across from eight sinks and eight mirrors. It wasn't visible before because there was no steam, no heat but now that there was it was as clear as day. My jaw drops and my eyes widen as they look over each and every one of those mirrors.

"Santana." I call to her in a calm and collected voice. "You should see this." I turn my head towards her stall but I keep my eyes forward on the mirrors. I hear her shower finally turn off and her feet hit the tile and puddle on the floor.

"If you are about to show me some skank ass protruding thing from your body please feel free not to show me." She spits out and I can hear she is gathering her shampoo and other things. She chuckles to herself as she pulls the curtain back and steps out looking at me. "What?" She asks nervously reading my face and I point to the mirrors.

Her shampoo bottle falls from her hand followed by her conditioner and body wash. She leaves them on the floor as she walks over towards the sinks looking at the mirrors above. She looks at each and every one, one by one, step by step she passes on to the next reading it to herself, repeating it over and over again because it says the same thing on all of the mirrors and more than once on a few of them.

'_I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.'_


	16. Chapter 16

**_hey! sorry for the delay of Quinn's ramblings:) i love writing her i've decided. i mean obviously i love writing Brittana too, but i feel like it doesn't work quite the same without one Quinn Fabray. but that's just me. so anyway, enough with my personal ramblings and on with the show._**

**_review and share your thoughts:)_**

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After the mirror thing in the locker room yesterday I talked Santana into going out for some release, well, not a crazy release just dinner at Breadsticks with Kurt and Blaine. She tried to fight me on it and tried to make up excuses and then just admitted to me she wanted to be alone with her thoughts. I explained to her that being alone with her thoughts was not healthy at all and that it would only make her depressed or whatever.

So she complied and decided to join us for the evening filled with chatting, good company and of course a never ending amount of breadsticks. We met the boys there and they had already gotten a booth for us so we quickly joined them. As soon as we sat down Santana reached for the sticks, double fisting them into her mouth as if she were trying to finish them off as quickly as possible to ensure she at least got one refill on them before we left.

I watched as Blaine discussed things in a cryptic manor that neither Kurt nor I could comprehend. We assumed what it was about but were not about to press the issue with an abundance of questions or our two cents. So we opted for our own conversation about our respective Glee clubs and songs we've been singing. I told him about Rachel singing this amazing song the other day and his head jerked back with disdain saying that I have been brainwashed into a world of gold stars and solos.

I laughed brushing him off explaining that Rachel wasn't as bad as she was made out to be, he grinned and nodded because he agreed. He and Rachel had also had their moments and he even said she was a good friend to him at several times prior to his leaving McKinley. Santana voiced her opinion breaking her conversation from Blaine for a minute to do so. She rolled her eyes and spit out a few nicknames for Rachel but then huffed and agreed she wasn't so bad. She said that under her breath but we all heard her.

Just when things were looking up and Santana's mood had lightened immensely there was a familiar laugh coming from the entrance of the restaurant. Santana's head snapped up and whipped around to the direction the sound came from. I followed her motion and spotted Brittany wheeling in Artie and the two were actually laughing. I noticed Santana's shoulder's slump and her previous smile falter when she saw them.

When I turn back to Kurt I see him nudge Blaine and nod in the direction of Brittany mouthing 'that's her' and Blaine's eyebrows rise up high on his forehead. He looks back to Kurt and mouths 'wow' in return and I smile because it's lovely to have people regardless of sexual orientation enjoy natural beauty.

Just when she thought she was in the clear of moving lower in our booth, probably to hide, Brittany spots us. I wave slowly because I don't want to draw attention to Santana but I can't just be a bitch to Brittany because she is just as much of a victim in this whole thing as Santana. Artie picks up on her waving at us and looks over and smiles and I see him mouth 'oh hey there's Kurt'.

Brittany wheels him over and they stop in front of our booth. Artie shakes Kurt's hand and asks him how he likes his new school to which Kurt practically drools when he explains how great it's been not only for him but to him. After gushing over how amazing Dalton has been Kurt introduces Blaine to Artie and the two shake hands and then I turn his attention to Brittany.

"This is Brittany." I point to her and Blaine leans over the table reaching out to shake her hand. Brittany nervously accepts the gesture and I notice her eyes look to Santana quickly for a moment. "Britt this is Blaine." I explain to her and she smiles politely shaking his hand in return.

"So you're Brittany." Blaine draws out with one of those charming smiles he dishes out like all the time. Their hands part and Brittany puts her in her jacket pocket and looks from me to Blaine. "I've heard a lot about you." He tells her and her eyebrows furrow in confusion.

"Oh." She says softly but clearly still bewildered. I glance over at Santana who is staring at everything and anything except the people around her.

"All good things I assure you." Blaine smiles getting more comfortable in his seat. "You guys should join us?" I'm pretty sure that we all, excluding Artie all snapped our attention to him and our eyes bugging out at his suggestion.

"Oh we wouldn't want to impose on your little, double, date thingy." Brittany stumbles over her words motioning to the four of us sitting down. Blaine laughs out shaking his head and waving for them to pull up a table beside ours.

"Come on, we're all friends here." He says and I catch her and Santana glance at one another.

Brittany tentatively drags one of the two top tables to connect with the table at our booth and Kurt gets up to help Artie in front of the table while Brittany pulls a chair over beside Santana. I seriously don't think that this could get any more awkward, until it does.

Santana fidgets uncomfortably when Artie reaches over to grab Brittany's hand and comes up short when she pulls them away just in time. Her hands clumsily fall from the table and into her lap but she does her best to avoid his awkward stare at her actions. He quickly gives up on the questioning look however and continues on in the conversation that he and Kurt and Blaine were having.

It's probably been not even fifteen minutes since they joined us though I'm sure to Santana it's felt like a million years. So I'm not all that surprised when I feel her flick me in the arm and lean over telling me to come with her to the bathroom. Obviously I give her a look but she rolls her eyes and says please through gritted teeth.

"Excuse us we are just going to run to the bathroom." I announce to the table in a polite manner, scooting my way to the end of the booth. Brittany looks at Santana curiously but all I hear her say is 'excuse me' and Brittany moves her chair a bit watching her best friend brush passed her. "Hey Kurt, when the waitress comes by can you get me a refill?" I ask him lifting my glass and he nods.

It's literally a two second trip to the bathroom and I watch as Santana looks under the stalls to make certain we are the only ones in there. When she hears the door close behind me her head snaps up and she straightens her back and crosses her arms over her chest.

"What the hell?" She spits out tapping her foot anxiously. "This is not relaxing." She tells me and I can see her clenching her jaw, probably to keep her anger in check.

"What do you want me to do tell them they can't sit with us?" I challenge her crossing my arms mirroring her exact pose.

"Yes." She quickly responds and I let out a light laugh.

"That's ridiculous." I say matter of factly shaking my head. We can't just tell them to go away that's rude.

"I can't…" She looks down at the floor and her arms slowly fall from her chest and she shoves her hands in her pockets and kicks at the really ugly tiles of the Breadsticks bathroom. "I can't sit there and watch them be all coupely." She admits to me in such a small voice and I feel my shoulders relax a bit and I look down to the spot her foot was shuffling. "This is beyond uncomfortable."

"Why is it uncomfortable?" I ask her, we both know the answer, but maybe if she says it then she will do something about it. She looks back up at me and gives me a pointed look.

"You know why." She mumbles, turning her attention to her reflection in the mirror. Just as I am about to say something the door to the bathroom opens and I turn around to find Brittany slowly making her way inside. She stands in front of the door looking at the both of us, bouncing on her toes and I know she has something to say. Santana looks over her shoulder away from her reflection and her face softens up at the sight of her blonde friend.

"We can go somewhere else." Brittany says quietly, obviously not wanting those to be the words that come out of her mouth, but it was the only thing I guess she could think of to break the ice. I look back to Santana who is turning away from the mirror and she shakes her head, letting her eyes fall to the ground at Brittany's feet.

"No." She begrudgingly replies. I know she probably wants to say 'yes', but she would never really want Brittany to go away, even if she is around Artie.

"I don't want to hurt you." Brittany admits taking one step away from the door and I feel like I am so not supposed to be here anymore, but I can't find the strength or will power to turn and walk out that door. Santana chuckles catching my attention and she brings her hand to her forehead rubbing away her worry lines.

"B, we both know I'm hurting myself." She laughs out only Brittany doesn't join her, she doesn't think it's funny. Her laughter fades out, the last echoes of it bouncing off of the walls and slipping under the door leaving the room quiet. I look between the both of them who have seemed to forget I am in the same room. "Britt?" Santana speaks up after a little too much quiet and Brittany perks up at the sound of her name and steps forward again so now me and her are standing next to each other.

"Santana," Brittany says softly and so low I can barely hear her and she is right beside me. "I know." She whispers and I furrow my eyebrows because _I_ don't know. I have no idea what the hell she is talking about. But apparently Santana does because I see her nod out of the corner of my eye.

"It's not that easy." Santana sighs clearly upset about whatever it is that they are talking about but doesn't have that fight sound in her voice.

"It could be." Brittany counters and I see her eyes focusing hard on Santana, she's not moving, she's not budging on this topic.

"You need to stop it." Santana pleads with her, she's not even telling her, she's practically begging her. She shuts her eyes tightly and shakes her head and I can see her chin quivering.

I watch Brittany look at her for a little while longer. Both of their breathing taking over the sound of the bathroom, I can hear it because I have been holding mine since Brittany walked in. Her eyes look to the stalls then to the sinks and then to the mirror before finally settling on Santana once more. She nods a few times, then shakes her head and turns to walk out the door but before she does she looks over her shoulder.

"I love you Santana Lopez." Brittany tells her confidently. "And that's something that I won't ever stop doing." And then she's gone leaving me and Santana standing in the bathroom staring at the spot that Brittany was just standing in. I turn to Santana and watch her going over everything that just happened. She turns to face the mirror and she stares at herself for a few seconds before letting out a sigh.

"What the hell was that?" I blurt out. I was here for the entire conversation, or non-conversation as the case seems to be. How is it possible to hear every bit of information yet know absolutely nothing? She looks at me through the mirror, her tired eyes looking as though she has no energy to explain.

"She apologized for saying our future was blurry." She tells me and I can't help but look around the room wondering where I was when that conversation went down. "I know she didn't way the words Fabray." She catches my confusion and decides to explain the unexplainable. "But we don't do words sometimes." I just roll my eyes because that is only another thing to add to the confusing list of things Brittany and Santana that no one else will ever be in the 'know' of.

"What's not easy then?" I ask her moving beside her as she leans onto the sink. Her eyes fall to the drain in the sink, well at least I think that's where she is looking, I follow her gaze and that's what I spot. She shrugs her shoulders and shakes her head taking in long breathes and letting them out slowly. She clicks her tongue and looks over at me, not reflection me, but real me.

"Love makes you weak." Santana says, like she is letting me in on a secret of the world. I feel my eyes squinting in trying to figure out this strange way of thought that Santana Lopez has.

"Maybe." I shrug, giving in. She probably did have a point. Love makes you weak and you do the strangest things, things you would never even think of doing if you were in the right frame of mind. "But isn't that kind of the best part." I offer her which only gets me an arched eyebrow smirk in return challenging me to defend my statement. "I mean, you fall in love and you're all weak and stuff. But then the person you love is there to keep you up. It sounds like a win win to me." I explain shaking my head at her simplicity of just giving up when the going gets tough and I check out my nails doing my best Santana Lopez impersonation of not caring.

"And what if you lose?" She asks quietly looking back down. "What if _I_ lose?"

"Santana, I don't see how losing is an option here? She loves you, you love her. Once upon a time, the end, cue the happy music." I say turning my body to fully face hers.

"You're just as naïve as Brittany." She spits out slapping her hand on the counter top by the sink. "We're in high school, nothing is easy. Yeah sure I'm sure it sounds easy when you talk about it." She tries to keep her voice down but I can hear the frustration behind ever single word. "Even if I do, if we… there is still so much crap to fight against." She shakes her head leaning her head down on her forearms that are on the sink. I rub her back shaking my head at her. I never thought I'd witness Santana admit any kind of defeat. "It just doesn't seem worth it." She sighs out in annoyance.

"The fighting for it _is_ what makes it worth it." I tell her pulling my hand away from her. I cross my arms and tap my foot almost daring her to look up at me. She does, slowly lifting herself to stand straight up. "All the pain, heartache, even the secrets make it mean so much more." I explain to her looking all around her face for some sort of ounce of fight she may have in her for this. "The easy part is admitting it and then accepting it. But none of it is ever really _easy_ Santana." I shake my head at her naivety. "If it were easy it wouldn't feel half as good as it does when you're done fighting."

"She has Artie." Santana breaks my awesome roll of fantastic advice with that stupid tid bit of information. I grab her shoulder and give it a comforting squeeze.

"She doesn't _want_ Artie." I remind her, I see her eyes look down and a gentle nod acknowledging the truth to my statement. "Trust me, when you're ready she will be too." She looks over at me with a meek smile.

"What if she's not?" She asks dejectedly.

"Well," I pause for a moment hooking my arm into hers. "Then it will be your turn to wait for her to be."

She clutches my arm into hers and looks to the mirror and gives herself a nod of approval or maybe encouragement to just leave the bathroom and continue on with our weird six people gathering. I smile at her slightly and tug her arm to come follow me back out of the bathroom and to our table where the rest of the group was waiting for us.

When we get there one of our group is missing and I turn a questioning look to Blaine and Kurt and they smile back up at me. So I look to Brittany who smiles but shrugs her shoulders all the same.

"Where's Artie?" I ask as I scoot into the booth not letting Santana get in first and making her sit next to Brittany. Not that she didn't want to, but I'm sure she thought about it just to make it a little easier.

"He had to go, his dad called him about some electronic thing that came in the mail." Brittany tells us and she seems uninterested in why he left and more happy about the fact that he did leave. "He was pretty excited."

"Oh." Santana sighs out in confusion but I can hear the hint of relief and happiness in her voice. Maybe this was going to be less awkward and uncomfortable than I had originally thought.

And I was right. Well, sort of.

I couldn't help but feel as though I was the fifth wheel to a double date, but to be honest I was okay with it. The five of us enjoyed each other's company while we ate and Santana tried to order six barrels of breadsticks at once. She and Brittany seemed to be falling into their usual Brittany/Santana routine, laughing, nudging each other and whispering little things that even if Blaine and Kurt did hear, they wouldn't understand anyway.

I could see that Blaine was incredibly smitten with Brittany and the way that she made Santana smile. It has been so long since I have gotten to see that smile, that look in her eye she only gets when she is with Brittany and they are on the same page. If anyone were to pay close attention, the way that I had been anyhow, they would see that these two girls are without a doubt completely and utterly in love with one another. I just can't wrap my head around the reasons Santana won't come out and say it. Why she won't tell her. Why she can't tell her.

She's so afraid of everything that comes with those words when the only thing she should be focusing on is the fact that Brittany feels the same exact way about her. She's too focused on the negative things that come along with admitting feelings for someone, how it will affect her social life, her home life and every other aspect of her life rather than the life that she could share with Brittany if she just sucked it up and said those three little words.

I must have been in my own head for most of dinner because the next thing I realize is that I'm walking home with Santana and Brittany. I'm focused on the ground I am walking on but I can hear the two of them talking quietly to one another and for the first time in months I am not craning my neck to hear what they are saying. I feel like I've done all I can at this point and there's not much else that I can do. I've been there for the both of them, pushed them in all the right directions told them things and listened.

We get to Brittany's house and it's kind of weird and I get that feeling like the one in the bathroom where I feel like I'm not supposed to be here. But just as in the bathroom my presence isn't even a blip on their radar. Brittany turns to face Santana and they both smile at one another.

"I had a good time hanging out with you San." Brittany tells her softly, but I hear her because she isn't hiding how she feels. She wants Santana to know and she doesn't care who hears her. Santana shuffles her feet and looks down for a moment, probably just to regain her composure or whatever. "I've missed this. Us." She motions between the two of them and I nod because I miss it too. Watching the two of them interact is like a comedy hour for the most part. You never know what's going to come out of their mouths next and are always guaranteed a good laugh. Santana's head slowly lifts up and I see her nod a few times but it doesn't appear that she is going to respond anytime soon. "Well, see ya." Brittany shrugs and nods in my direction. "Bye Q."

"Bye." I reply, watching her look back to Santana as if giving her a chance to say something, anything or do something at least. But she sighs out, all of us knowing that that is not going to happen and she turns to walk into her house.

I shake my head as Santana walks in my direction and me make to walk down the sidewalk and to our part of the neighborhood. But just as we hear Brittany's feet hitting the steps to her porch Santana whips around and runs up her walkway stopping midway.

"Why are you with him?" She blurts out and I can hear the anguish laced in her voice and nervousness for what the answer might be. Brittany stops at the top of the porch turning around quickly making eye contact with Santana. She puts her hands in her pockets and kicks her foot against the wood of the step.

"You know why." Her voice has a hint of guilt but also holds her ground to her reasons why.

"Do you want him?" Santana asks and there is desperation in her tone which Brittany picks up on but I'm sure Santana doesn't notice this. "Do you want him like you want me?" Her voice trails off at the end and I'm assuming so that anyone who can hear them won't really hear them. Brittany bites down on her lower lip looking down at the ground around Santana's feet.

"It's not that easy." Brittany finally settles on bringing her eyes back up to meet Santana's. I see Santana hang her head for a moment before looking back up to Brittany.

"It could be." Santana almost whispers but I can tell Brittany hears her based on the small smile playing on her lips. I shuffle my feet in my spot wondering if I was supposed to leave a while ago or maybe now would be a good time, but if I left now I wouldn't see Brittany mouth to Santana 'I love you' before she turned to go inside of her house and I wouldn't see the smile on Santana's face as she walked back towards me.

"So?" I ask as we start walking down the block towards our houses. She whips her head in my direction and nods.

"I guess I'm fighting."


	17. Chapter 17

**_i am so sorry that it literally as taken me a month to get this updated. but better late than never right ;) _**

**_i hope you enjoy my friends! remember review and share your feelings and thoughts_**

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I was expecting a brawl of some sorts. A duel or even the trading of some witty remarks with underlying sarcasm laced with bitterness. Perhaps a jab with words here maybe even physical ones too, a stolen moment there and a declaration, but none of that happened.

I saw throughout the day as Santana watched Brittany from a far. Brittany, her best friend, sitting on the Artie's lap, laughing with him, playing with his glasses and telling him jokes. I guess I really didn't expect that part to change overnight, I think it was fairly obvious that she wasn't going to make any sudden movements. Which to be honest sounds dumb. I mean, okay, I get it. She's really put herself out there.

Like the initial moment that has brought us to this place. Santana ran leaving Brittany hurt and confused and then finds the comfort of a stupid boy who treats her like a child and yet a lover, I'm assuming. Which first off, gross. And then Santana ruined that the first chance she can. Like, if she can't play with her toy no one can. I know, it's fucked up of me to compare B to a toy, but it's a metaphor. Yet, in the end it didn't even matter because they got back together.

Brittany has made herself available and vulnerable one too many times that the hurt that usually follows her bold moves is what is making her step back. The chances she has given Santana to find it, to see it and to feel it are far too many to even count. But I guess taking into consideration Brittany's own declarations of 'love', it was like walking through a fog with these two. Knowing what is out there, but not sure where to find it or when.

I was wandering the hallways before Glee when I finally ran into Santana it seemed she had been avoiding me along with the rest of the world today. She stopped when she saw me, and I guess she figured I was going to ask her what her master plan was, to give me an outline of her grand gesture to get Brittany. Her eyes nervously darted around me and her feet shuffled from side to side.

"Where have you been all day?" I settle on. It was simple but to the point. It was like she had been a ghost all day yet everywhere but with no purpose.

"What do you mean? You saw me in class." She responds and I can sense she was desperately trying to use that sarcasm she has crafted so well into her version of the English language but it wasn't panning out this time.

"Umm, yeah I know." I nod taking a step closer to her. "But, I mean, where were you?" I asked her once again hoping that I was saying so much more by saying so little. She sighs and shrugs.

"I'm not like Berry or Kurt or Sam." She tells me, finally looking up at me. Looking at her like this makes me realize how defeated she feels, it's almost pouring out of her pores. "I am not one of those people that stand on top of a car and declare my, feelings. It's not about… the world knowing my business Q." She quietly says.

"Just Brittany." I kind of whisper it, I don't know why but that's just how her name comes out of my mouth, as though it is a sacred name to be spoken within the presence of Santana Lopez. She nods and I right along with her.

"Why is she still with him?" Santana asks after a few moments of silence pass us and we watch from a far Tina and Mike walk into the choir room together. When I look back at her I see her eyes focused on the floor, her hands gripping on to the straps of her backpack.

"Because she needs to know how you feel." I explain, I mean, I would think that much is fairly obvious at this point. Yeah, Santana has expressed her feelings for Brittany but not to Brittany. She's only confided in me, Kurt, Blaine and well, Rachel odd enough, yet Brittany remains in the dark. I guess not completely, she clearly knows how Santana feels she just needs to _know_. Santana gives me that look, the one that says 'she knows how I feel about her' and I remember that day at her house when Blaine came over and she had finally said the words out loud. "I know S, but she needs to_ know_." I finally let out my minds inner thoughts.

"I don't understand why she won't break up with him. She keeps telling me she loves me but stays with him." She says in a low voice and I can feel the frustration behind her words.

"She's waiting for you to make moves Santana." I tell her and she glances up at me from the spot on the floor she had been giving laser eyes to. "If she breaks up with him now, it just makes it easier for you to take your time." I try and explain hoping she will understand what I am saying.

"And that's a bad thing?" She asks arching an eyebrow.

"Yeah." I nod, pressing my lips together.

"Why?" She makes it sound like such a complicated question when the answer is so simple.

"Because she doesn't want to wait anymore that's all she's been doing." I catch her eyes to get her to really listen to me. "If she breaks up with him and you don't jump on it she has nothing." I elaborate.

"She'd still have me." She replies simply with a slight shrug.

"Not the way she wants you."

"So what do I do?" She uncrosses her arms, letting them fall to her sides as if letting herself open to get hit with whatever.

"Something." I spit out quickly. "Anything, everything. Maybe you have to pull a Rachel and sing to her in…" But she cuts me off with a 'no. I'm not doing that'. And I know why, I don't have to ask because she already told me why she won't be like Rachel Berry. It's not for anyone else, just for Brittany.

Before we can say anything else on the subject or to each other Mr. Schu comes out and calls us into the room. When we walk in my eyes automatically fall onto Brittany and Artie who are sitting in the front as usual. I can't tell if Santana is looking at her but Brittany's eyes are following her regardless.

For most of Glee I zone out. My mind is off in the land of everything being peaches and deliciousness. It's a place where I never had a baby, never got kicked off of Cheerio's, never lost Finn and never got kicked out of my house. I know all of those things are over and done with now, but our past is our past for a reason. It reminds us every day of the people we were and the people we should be and then the people we want to be. And none of those people are ever the same.

At one point I zone back in and I catch Brittany looking over her shoulder in the direction of Santana who is not paying attention to anyone right now. I understand Brittany's reasons, for not breaking up with Artie right now. I really do, but I don't think I could really be with someone when I want someone else so much more. I look to my left and there's Sam, all smiles and the boyish charm of a 7-year-old child. I can't help but wonder who or where I would be had 'baby gate' not taken place and if Finn and I would still be together or at least lasted longer than we did.

It's really felt like forever since I've participated in any songs, but I really don't have the energy. All of this emotional turmoil that's not even mine has taken so much out of me that I can't even find the strength to become invested in a performance. Every song I hear or think of only makes me think of the two best friends that should be but are not.

I take my time walking home from school, taking the long ways around the blocks of my neighborhood hoping it will clear my mind some. It doesn't, which is just what I had assumed would be the outcome. By the time dinner comes, I'm lucky enough to lift my fork to my mouth with all of these feelings coursing through my body and my mind. Once my head hits the pillow I'm out like a light hoping that tomorrow brings me a new day of clarity and maybe, just maybe I'll care a little less about everything going on _around_ me and be able to focus on what's going on with me instead.

* * *

So, two days have passed and I am still wandering the hallways and this apparent world that is not my own. Small glances here, little words softly spoken there that serve no purpose except as fillers to end silence yet they say so much. It's not until our free period that I am finally granted some white noise to cancel out the deafening silence I have been tortured with for most of the week.

Santana and I are at our usual table, doodling in one of the notebooks we have still been keeping, though she is making sure she doesn't put anything in there about Brittany. I guess she is hoping that maybe if she doesn't talk or write about it much, it will hurt less. So much for fighting huh? I can see it in her eyes though, most of the time, when she sees Brittany whether she is by herself or with Artie. There's that spark that little ounce of fighter that wants to come out and proclaim what is probably and rightfully hers. But for some reason, after a few seconds that spark dissolves and there's this longing and desperation and then there's only sadness that clouds her eyes.

"Hey Santana." It's Brittany's soft voice that breaks the stale air surrounding us in the book filled room. Santana turns her head over her shoulder to find her best friend looking down at her. Brittany offers her one of those soft 'I don't really have anything planned to say here' smiles.

"Hi." Santana whispers back and she turns slightly in her chair.

"You haven't spoken to me like, all week." Brittany tilts her head in confusion. I assume that she was just as certain as I was that day after dinner that Santana would be all up in her business or something like that.

"Yeah," Santana sighs and looks back at her books on the table for a moment. "I've been getting so much homework I'm just trying to keep up." She lies. We've been sitting here playing tic-tac-toe for like twenty minutes. Brittany nods though and grips onto the straps of her back pack a little tighter.

"Oh." She breathes out and I shoot the back of Santana's head a glare. "I thought that, maybe we could get together today after school." She asks with such a hope my heart breaks a little.

"I, uhh…" I can practically hear the wheels turning in Santana's head as she tries to come up with an excuse to get out of this one. "Brittany, I…" Her voice gets lower and I see her head dip slightly. "I can't."

"Oh, well then maybe tomorrow?" Brittany, god love her for trying to be so optimistic. Santana shakes her head though and looks back up at Brittany.

"No, I mean, I can't _do this_." She says even quieter than she had been speaking before and I lean my head in my hands not able to take in the probably saddest face Brittany has ever made. "I thought," Santana's voice cracks and it dares me to look back up. "I don't know what to do here, and I don't think I can handle this at all." She turns to the table and gathers her things.

"It's okay San…" Santana standing up causes her words to fail her.

"I'm sorry. I'm just not ready." She admits painfully and leaves the table, Brittany standing awkwardly by her now empty chair and me with my head in my hands and my eyes on her retreating form.

I wanted so badly to explain Santana, why she is doing this, why she is yet again retreating but I can't. And I'm not sure if it's because I really don't know for sure or if maybe I'm not supposed to say anything. Once Santana is fully out of view Brittany takes the seat she'd left empty and she sighs.

"I'm sorry I interrupted." Brittany says to me and I shake my head at her, we both know that's not really important right now.

"Brittany, you know how she is." I try and make her feel better.

"I thought I did." She says quietly and I feel like I can hear her heart crack a little. "Maybe I'm doing this all wrong. I thought, I mean you told me to tell her how I felt like, as many times as I could but…" She looks down at her finger nails, probably something she learned from Santana in order to avoid intense topics of conversation. "I keep telling her, she knows, she's known even if I never said it to her." I nod because it's true. Anyone in their right mind, well maybe except for Artie apparently, can see how in love these girls are. "I can't do that anymore. I told her." Brittany stands up and pushes the chair in slowly and looks over at me with a small sadness behind her eyes. "It's her turn." And with that I was left alone.

I sat back in my chair and thought about texting Santana exactly what had just happened here after she left. But really it's of no use. She obviously has it set in her mind that she is not strong enough for this, not strong enough to deal with her feelings and most definitely not strong enough to let anyone else know. The latter is not the most important part in this equation however. The most important and needed is for her to finally let the walls crumble and let her tell Brittany exactly how she feels.

After school I decide to head to Santana's house, there is no way I can handle being a messenger and the bearer of secrets to never be told. I've been dealing with all of their stupid feelings I don't even know how the hell I feel these days. I just wish I didn't care so much, and with that I wish I knew why I cared so much.

I was more than surprised when Mrs. Lopez answered the door only to tell me that Santana isn't home and that she had gone out with a friend. Walking down the walk way I racked my brain trying to decipher this 'out with a friend' code. Santana, much like myself, doesn't have any friends. She has one, maybe one and a half if you include me. The one she does have is Brittany, and I'm thinking those two are definitely not hanging out right now.

About to give up, my phone vibrates in my jacket. To say I'm surprised that it's Rachel Berry, well I think there are really no words to describe my state of being. But I guess considering the 'moments' she and I have shared it's not too farfetched. After getting over the astonishment of a Berry text I open it and come to find that it's in fact Rachel who is the 'friend' Santana is out with. Hmm, strange. She texted me that she and Santana are by the park and that I should come by because Santana is upset. What else is new?

On my way to the park I think of all of the things that have gone on since my impromptu investigation started some months ago. I had somehow witnessed both of these girls admitting their feelings for one another, both to me yet here we are. Nothing happening. Santana said she wanted to fight, she told me she was going to put up a fight. But all she has been doing is giving up, laying down and taking the defeat that she thinks she deserves.

I spot them sitting on a bench, the place is pretty empty and I'm guessing Santana chose this place for that specific reason. As I get close I can hear the small cries coming from her and Rachel looks over her head and at me with an unsure look in her eye.

If I'm being honest, I'm getting a little tired of these moments of self destruction and realization of what this girl wants. One can only take so much until they blow up from being overloaded with the same thing over and over again. But, I do my best to not let such things take me over and I take a deep breath and a step forward. I kneel down to the ground and try and catch Santana's tear filled eyes.

She looks to me, and I see her heartbreak and torture within her eyes and all of that annoyance I had felt but moments ago washes away. A broken girl sits before me, so I offer her a small smile that I'd like to believe gives her the idea of hope or something like it and then I offer her my hand.

"Come on." I say in one of those voices that sounds like I had been crying. Maybe being around her crying so much has made my threshold for tears none existent. She takes me hand, hesitating for a brief moment, but she takes it. I look over to Rachel and nod to her, she can come too I guess.

I don't really know where we are going, where I am leading them but being alone in the quiet and uninhabited land of the park in the winter of a Lima school day just isn't good for anyone's soul. Her tears have slowly begun to subside, she sniffles now and again, and she allows herself to fully grasp my hand.

"I'm afraid." She admits in a low cracky voice. "I'm afraid of it all."

I want to tell her that it's silly to be afraid. There's nothing that should be holding her back from going out there and telling Brittany exactly how she feels. But I don't say anything of the sort because firstly, there is so much holding her back. This place is not exactly the kind of place that welcomes anyone who is slightly different with open arms. I mean, hell, I was kicked out of my own house for being pregnant. Secondly, Rachel beats me to it.

"Santana, I may be speaking out of turn and also you may say this is none of my business. But I'd like to think that recently it's okay with you to express my opinion seeing as I have been present for several of your breakdowns." Rachel begins and I can't help but wonder if she can ever just cut to the chase instead of always having to explain herself. But I guess in this case its okay because it is Santana after all. When Santana doesn't respond, Rachel takes that as a cue for her to proceed.

"I understand that you're afraid, there are so many things to be afraid of but I fear that you are focusing on the wrong things to be afraid of." She pauses, I assume to let her words linger in and around Santana's head for a few minutes and to let her really hear her. "You're so afraid of what people are going to say about you, maybe how they are going to see you and maybe what they will think about you but there's really only one person you should be worrying about in all of this." I see from the corner of my eye Rachel reach down and grab Santana's hand and I am shocked that Santana doesn't throw an elbow. "_You_ are the most important person in all of this. You need to stop worrying about the world and how they judge you, you are your own judge Santana. Maybe somewhere deep down you're afraid of how you will judge yourself." Rachel shrugs and I wonder at that moment if she had ever did a stint as a hotline operator for troubled teens. "You need to let that part go, let it go and don't give it a second thought. Once you do that, I assure you it will be so much easier for you to tell Brittany how you really feel."

"What if it's too late?" Santana asks and I had almost forgotten what her voice sounded like for a moment. Rachel looks to me, this hadn't been part of her speech which I'm almost certain she has written down somewhere with notes in the margins.

"Better late than never San." I chime in squeezing her hand in my own. "Better late than never."


	18. Chapter 18

**_so there may either be 1 or 2 more chapters left in this story. i have yet to decide. i know it took me forever and a day to update the previous chapter and you guys know it really never takes me that long. so in light of me posting yesterday i felt that i would post another for you. thank you all for those lovely review ps for the Chapter 17. i love getting feed back it makes me happy and i totally do a little 'yay' dance._**

**_by the way, the song in this chapter which i highly rec is 'Grain' by Cassie Steele._**

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It's Friday night and Puckerman is having one of his usual 'my mom took my sister for the weekend let's have a party and trash my house party'. Due to recent advances within the group he actually invited everyone from Glee club. Rachel and I thought it would be best if we brought Santana with us, this way, she wouldn't show up alone and well, that she would show up.

The second part I didn't really question as much as Rachel had, I figured that with free booze and a party of reckless abandon would suit the world she as created for herself. But this way, since she is with me and Rachel we can at least keep an eye on her alcohol intake or take care of her after the fact. With the whole Glee club coming meant that Brittany a_nd_ Artie would be coming which would mean an rough ocean of emotions would be coursing through Santana's body, along with the whiskey she would most likely have gripped in her hands.

I wasn't surprised really when it was really just the New Directions there. Since Kurt had left and even before, when the guys had stepped up to protect him the rest of the football team has kind of shunned the boys in our group. So, I assume Puck didn't invite them or they declined his offer. Either way its better off they aren't here because then there would be intoxicated meat heads fighting instead of the standard dumb jock's variety we deal with everyday at school.

His house is simple, nothing breakable, probably because his mother doesn't trust him. We are mostly taking space up in his living room and kitchen everyone trying their best not to step on anyone's toes that they may have past or prior issues with. Like for instance Rachel has just been following me around simply because if Finn is in the room I am the buffer.

Brittany saw us as soon as we came in from her spot on Artie's lap. I noticed that once she saw Santana with us she gracefully removed herself from him and sat on the sofa instead. I'm not sure if Santana saw that or not, if she did she did a good job at acting like she didn't care very much. Well, then again she just made a bee line to the kitchen where all of the alcohol was.

Rachel designated herself the sober person out of our little trio citing that she does not need a chemical high to enjoy life. Clearly she has never had a drink. Regardless, I watched as Santana downed her first drink within seconds and was quickly on her way to making another one when Brittany popped up out of nowhere.

She was going to say something but Santana was quick to pull Rachel away with her and into the other room. I sighed and took a sip of my drink glancing at Brittany over the brim of my red cup. She rolls her eyes, trying to be annoyed but she's never really been good at that.

"Is she going to avoid me forever?" Brittany breaks the weird silence that had fallen upon us since her arrival in the kitchen. I shrug because I don't know that answer. "We're supposed to be best friends, this is not how best friends act Quinn." She points out, looking over my shoulder in the direction that Santana had dragged Rachel towards.

"Trust me I know." I agree with a nod. It's getting silly. It's the whole will she won't she thing and getting irritating. I can see how B could be getting frustrated with this, I'm frustrated. I could totally see why she would just give up and walk away but, when your heart is in it, it's in it I guess.

The night continues on and there is still no interaction between the supposed best friends. I just watch Santana bounce from room to room every time Brittany comes within a three foot radius of her. In a way it's kind of humorous to watch, especially the more drunk she gets. But then it hits me, Santana, the girl who I've probably only seen drunk twice the first time being when we were younger and she got into a fight and the second time when me and Rachel found her outside of school crying over Brittany. I knew this was not going to be a good night with a happy ending.

I quickly ran up to Rachel and pulled her away from Santana, only a little, just so Santana couldn't hear me. I tell her we should probably start getting San to stop drinking or we are going to have a huge mess or a blow out or a murder on our hands tonight. Rachel's brain clicks with the things I ramble off and she nods and swiftly turns to Santana and grabs her drink.

"Can I try this?" Rachel asks as Santana is about to complain, but she shrugs and let's her sip her drink. "This is tasty, you should be a bartender."

"Yes Berry, you've suddenly figured out my life's dream." Santana sarcastically spits out as she reaches for her cup and I can tell Rachel has nothing to use to fight against this and she gives the cup back up.

"Hey S, wanna go outside?" I ask trying to play sweet drunk Quinn Fabray, the girl who used to be really good friends with the soon to be very intoxicated Santana Lopez. She eyes me carefully but then gets up from her spot on a stool at the island table in the kitchen.

It's cold, but after a few drinks it's really not so bad. Rachel is still inside but I can see her through the glass door as she watches us cautiously. I hear a flickering and a 'dammit' and I turn my head to find Santana trying to light a cigarette.

"What the hell are you doing?" I ask completely taken aback by the fact that she is about to smoke.

"I'm putting up a tent." She answers quickly and I roll my eyes. If there were a job that paid for quick wit and bitchiness, Santana would be a millionaire.

"Since when do you smoke?" I wonder out loud, taking the lighter from her and helping her out. I'd rather have a happy Santana who smokes, which is gross, than an angry Santana who might injure me.

"Since when do you care?" She retorts and I can tell she didn't mean it the way it came out so I ignore her. I guess we had been paying too much attention to out not so interesting conversation to hear the door open and close behind us.

"I care." Brittany says as Santana blows out a small cloud of smoke. "You shouldn't smoke San." She tells Santana and walks up to her and takes the cigarette from between her lips and tosses it on the ground and puts it out. "It's bad for you." She adds.

"What are you doing out here?" Santana asks her after some quiet and Brittany just tilts her head to the side in that cute way she does.

"Because I wanted to talk to you." She simply responds and I can see Santana, even in her inebriated state trying to think of way to get out of being in close proximity with Brittany. "And I know you want to talk to me."

"Oh is that so?" Santana says and her voice sounds like it did that day in the Cheerio hallway, filled with annoyance and bit of anger and maybe some regret in there too.

"Yes." Brittany nods, she is so simple sometimes. She doesn't need to use fancy words or long sentences to get her point across, I admire that. "And I know that you want to tell me something."

"I don't have anything to tell you." I can tell the alcohol is having that negative effect that I was so nervous about. But Brittany ignores the warning signs and steps forward.

"There's gotta be something you want to say to me. You've barely spoken to me in like, weeks and it kind of sucks San." Brittany admits and she looks down showing how upset she is about how everything is going. "We had fun at Breadsticks but now you're all, distancy and blah."

"Yeah, well, shit happens." I shake my head because really Santana, that's what you have to say back, that's your answer?

"But I don't want this shit to happen, I want my friend back." Brittany says the last words quietly but I can see Santana's cheeks turning red and it's not from drinking.

"Friends? Britt, I really don't see how you can possibly think that a friendship here is possible." And that's when I know the drinking has reached its apex. I need to get her out of here now.

"Britt go inside and get Rachel please." I ask her and her shoulders slump but she nods and turns to go back in.

And that is how the night ended. Santana didn't put up a fight getting into Rachel's car. She didn't even say anything on the whole way home. She just sat there quietly in the backseat, every now and again I was pretty sure I heard some muffled sobs and when I looked in the mirror in the visor I could see she was going over what she had said to Brittany before we left.

She didn't mean it. I knew that, she knew that and even, well hopefully Brittany knew that. She was drunk and upset and scared and so many other emotions she probably has never let herself feel before. I guess I just didn't think her anger would actually be directed at Brittany. If anyone I thought for sure there was going to be a turned over wheelchair by the end of the night, but not a semi verbal assault on her best friend and the girl she presumably loved. Hopefully the weekend would provide her the time she needed to revaluate her situation and finally do something about it.

* * *

From a certain perspective it could be said that the mission was a failure. That my imagination had gotten the best of me from the beginning and that I looked way too deep into everything and that what I had seen is not what in fact was. I watched and I listened, I paid very close attention to the tiniest detail.

I gave Santana space but pushed enough of the right buttons until she finally caved and fell apart in a way that she needed to. Perhaps my curiosity allowed her the ability to let herself unravel before not only my eyes but her own. She had been walking around with everything tightly wrapped up in a too small of space inside of her.

I gave Brittany a listener, a shoulder to lean on and a hand to hold. I gave her the tools for forgiveness and possibility, well, I'd like to think I did those things but maybe they were always there. Maybe she just needed to be shown how to use them.

I watched them dance around each other, ignore and avoid each other, laugh with one another and then give each other the silent treatment. I saw the sideways glances, the longing looks, the shared stares of want and need and apologies. I listened to intimate fights over nothing important and everything important.

I went unnoticed as I noticed everything.

But as the week has gone on so has the way they have been acting prior to the talks and the admissions and declarations of feelings hurt and mutual feelings of love.

Monday I saw them walk by each other.

Tuesday I saw them at their lockers and I heard them do small talk.

On Wednesday at Glee practice I expected a romantic declaration in front of everyone. Whether it be words or a song as we New Directions like to do every now and then. But they sat in their respective chairs, not together, letting Mr. Schu speak, Rachel rant, Mike dance and Mercedes sang a song.

Thursday I watched Brittany in English class lean over to Santana and ask her a question. Santana leaned towards her in return and pointed something out in her text book. They left class separately.

It's Friday and it's the last class of the day. No Glee and no Cheerio's after school makes my step a little lighter as I walk down the hallway to my locker. I forgot my science book. Turning the corner I stop when I catch Santana standing in front of her locker and she looks in deep thought. Once again I'm letting my spy like tendencies to take over and I back track a little bit so that I am peering around the corner to see what she's doing.

She pulls out a little pad from her locker and brings pen to paper. She reads it over and looks down the hallway making me have to pull back so I don't get caught. When I feel like it's been enough time I peek back around just in time to see her slipping something into Brittany's locker. She closes hers and walks down the opposite way from me.

When she turns the corner I make my move. Coach Sylvester gave us all a copy of Brittany's locker combination because she sometimes forgets it. Once I reach it I check both ends of the hall to ensure my safety. I open it quickly and easily and the note is sitting right there waiting for me to read it.

'_I miss you'_

It's simple.

And though it may be simple it's to the point. It says so much more than it may seem to. Three words can say so much more than a huge speech can.

Before I know it the bell is ringing telling me class is over and I wonder when it was that I made the walk back here. I look down at my notebook to find it void of any actual notes. I gather my things without any urgency causing me to be the last one out of the room. I walk without purpose down the halls making my way around the corners and groups of people to get to my locker.

When I get within view of my locker I spot Artie parked in front of Brittany's locker. And not to be a bitch but he better leave before Santana gets here. I don't say anything to him I just give him a small smile and say 'hey' brushing past him to get to my locker. He gives me a weak smile in return which I pick up on but I can only deal with a certain amount of people's drama, it drains me. But never the less I'm reeled in seeing he has a connection to one of my specimen.

"You okay?" I ask and even I don't believe that I care, it sounds forced and totally not interested. But he doesn't pick up on it which only proves my theory of him being selfish. I want to ask again because I want an answer and plus since the hallway is clearing out to the point where it's almost empty the silence between is kind of irritatingly unbearable.

"Brittany broke up with me." He tells me and I totally drop something on the floor and nearly drop my books too but I catch them before they reach the ground.

"What? Why?" I ask him although I'm sure I could guess why. He looks to me like he knows what I'm thinking.

"She said it's because I'm still in love with Tina." The tone of his voice leads me to believe that this is not a true assessment made by his recent ex-girlfriend.

"Are you?" I humor myself taking part in a pointless conversation.

"No, and I haven't been in a long time. I was falling for Brittany to be honest." He pauses to take in a deep breath and I cringe because Santana crying was enough to last a lifetime. "I know she just said that to make me feel better."

"How do you mean?" Okay now I'm interested because Artie is not making any sense to me right now. He sighs again and turns his chair to face me.

"I might have a disability but it doesn't impair my vision. I'm not blind." He puts his hands on the arm rests of his chair and looks deep into my eyes and I feel like I have to look away or he will see everything I have seen. "She's the one who is still in love with someone else." He brings his eyes down to his lap I guess admitting this is embarrassing or hurtful or maybe it's both. "I didn't know or maybe I didn't realize at first or maybe I wanted to pretend I didn't know." He puts his hands on his lap and looks back up at me. "Even if she did wind up loving me, she'd never love me like she loves her."

I suddenly feel sorry for him, but not in a way that I want to help him. I look in my locker to make sure I have everything I need and then close my locker, leaning up against it and bringing my books to my chest. If it were anyone else I might tell them they're wrong and maybe it could work. But this is not the case.

Shaking his head he rolls past me and I watch him go down the hallway until he vanishes behind the doors leading to the ramp outside. By the time the door closes and echoes I see I am the only one left in the hallway. I look down at my phone to check the time and it's only been a half hour since the school day has come to an end. One last stop before I go home, Cheerio's locker room for my gym clothes I need to wash over the weekend.

I get to the hallway and I can hear a muffled sound which I can distinguish as Coach Sylvester's voice. I roll my eyes because I can only imagine who is on the other line of the obviously heated conversation. I bring my hand up to the door and I get the sudden feeling of déjà vu. Instead of going in and getting my things I stand very still for a few seconds trying to remember.

My feet start taking me down the hall until I reach the auditorium. I stand at the doors as though waiting for them to open up and invite me in because this is where I am supposed to be. But as I recall from past experience these doors are closed after school unless we have Glee. So I turn back until I reach the steps that bring me up to the balcony. Half way up the steps is when I hear it. The soft faint sound of a guitar strumming bouncing off of the walls of the auditorium and making their way to my ears.

I get to the door to the balcony pulling it open easily and without sound. I gently let the door come to meet the frame and move to the edge to see the person I had expected sitting in the middle of the stage on a stool with a guitar in hand. I can't help but question all of those times we were younger and Santana had to go to karate class. Definitely music lessons.

_I couldn't breathe still can't believe we had to end. I had it all and now I'm falling down again. Guess I act a little crazy but babe its cause I'm crazy bout you. Guess I should have known better so betters' what I'm gonna do._

The stage is empty around her with the soft lights hitting her skin. It's bare.

She's bare.

_I'm gonna prove, I'm gonna show, I'm gonna climb back in your eyes. You're gonna see, you're gonna smile, you're gonna love how good I've become cause I need you baby. So let me prove._

I lean on a metal bar enjoying the show for myself. But I avert my eyes from the performer on stage to rake over the very empty room. I look to the spot I had seen Brittany standing in at the last 'concert'. It's empty. There's no blonde there watching. There's no one there to listen.

_I must admit how hard it hit the morning of. Waking up and realizing what I've done. Baby I can make you happy just give me a chance you know I can. Cause I can't see me without you and I'll never let you cry again._

I look back to the stage and I wonder if I got closer if I would see the tears on Santana's cheeks that I can hear her cry as she sings. It's faint, but I can hear them.

But as I think about how I can hear her tears, I realize, it's not just her tears I hear. It's not just the cry in her throat that catches my attention and draws me in. A little confused but more intrigued than anything I lean over a little more than I should over the metal bar in the balcony. And that's when I see.

_I'm gonna prove I'm meant for you. I'm gonna write it up in the sky. You're gonna see, you're gonna smile, you're gonna love how good I've become. Cause I need you baby. So let me prove._

Brittany is standing there by the door nearly out of sight from the balcony.

This time though, she is not standing against the wall holding herself up. She's not leaning against the wall with her hands over her chest keeping herself from going forward. Today she is standing in the middle of the aisle towards the back and she's watching. She's listening.

She finally hears it. She hears her.

_I know it's my fault but I know that you care. So give me a chance to be all that I can. It's not too late no I'm still your love. I'm sorry I love you I refuse to move on. I'm gonna prove I'm meant for you. I'm gonna write it up in the sky. Yeah you're gonna see, you're gonna smile, you're just gonna love how good I've become. Cause I need you baby. I need you baby._

_So let me prove._

"I miss you too." Brittany announces right when the last strum ends before the silence can grow.

Her voice is timid and cracks a little. Santana's head snaps up to the seats and scans the room until her eyes fall onto the girl the voice belongs to. I move to the side not wanting to be seen but not wanting to miss on everything I have been working toward seeing. Santana gets off the stool and places the guitar down on it and walks to the edge of the stage.

"Do you?" Brittany asks her innocently and starts taking small steps down the aisle and towards the stage. I notice Santana tilt her head momentarily and I assume it's in question to Brittany's question. But her face straightens out as does her head and she nods a few times.

"I always have." Santana declares. She watches Brittany taking slow steps and she shifts her weight from side to side on stage and I can tell she is getting impatient. "I always have." She repeats herself and Brittany stops in the middle of the aisle, probably 20 feet or so from the stage maybe less.

"Me too." She replies and I see Santana stop shifting and she stands still before crouching down and hopping off of the stage and taking a few small steps away from it. Brittany nods at this information but then I see her head tilt, most likely with intrigue. "When did you know?" Again I see Santana pause and take in Brittany's words and I see her eyes look down for a moment as though remembering.

"The end of freshmen year." She begins softly and I watch as her eyes slowly rake up Brittany's figure. It stays quiet between them for a short while and I'm guessing that Santana is waiting for a response or Brittany is waiting for a question. "I'm sorry." Santana finally says.

"I know." Brittany assures her and she sounds so soft.

Santana stops a couple of feet in front of Brittany and I can tell she looks anxious again.

"Don't hurt me again." Brittany pleads.

"Hurting you kills me." Santana admits.

"Don't push me away." Her voice cracks giving her emotions away.

"I don't want to."

"Then why do you?" Brittany tilts her head absolutely curious about her reasons.

"Because I love you." What a dumbass.

"That's stupid." She says this in perfect monotone, it's to the point and she means it literally.

"I know."

They stand there looking at one another for a few more seconds as if analyzing the situation before them. Then Brittany lifts her arm and extends her hand tucking all of her fingers in except one, her pinky. Santana looks to it and then to Brittany and smiles the best she can through her previous saddened face and she takes Brittany's pinky into her own.

"Thank you." Brittany says taking a step toward her and I can't imagine what she could possibly be thanking her for.

"For what?" Clearly Santana has no idea either.

"For finally admitting you love me back."

And just like that I wasn't tired anymore.

I wasn't tired from all the watching, noticing, listening, seeing, hearing and most of all I wasn't tired from caring. I guess somewhere along the way I stopped caring that I cared and I just cared.

As I stood there in the balcony I watched two best friends make up. I noticed the way they handled each other in a more than friend's manner. I listened to them admit to each other finally. I heard them apologize and forgive.


	19. Chapter 19

**_okay so this is the last chapter to the story. thank you all for coming on this journey with Quinn and myself. i hope it was a fun and enjoyable read. i really love writing Quinn, i think she is so much more interesting than the writers let us see. anyway, i hope i did Brittany justice through the eyes of one Quinn Fabray._**

**_read and review:):) tell me your secret thoughts;)_**

* * *

I wasn't sure how things were going to be after that late afternoon rendezvous in the auditorium. I told myself that my stalker days were over but it seems that I am waiting for something more, something to tell me that this whole thing has worked itself out. But it had been well over a week and it was like nothing happened. Like Santana never wrote on that post-it, like Brittany never found her singing and like they didn't finally put it all out there.

Things obviously were better. Instead of the looks of longing going noticed and unnoticed by one another and instead of walking past each other and avoiding, they were whispering, giggling and pinky holding like they used to. Though I would assume I'm the only one who could see the slight difference in their lingering touches. But even still, with those fingers grazing that second longer and their eyes traveling the length of the other's body it was very much the same as it had been before the whole situation started.

I couldn't help but wonder if maybe things hadn't ended up the way that I had expected. That they wound up deciding or maybe not deciding to do anything about their obvious feelings for each other. Because, let's be serious, I mean if Santana was right about one thing it was that this is high school and kids are not very kind. But, I would hope that both of them would over look that small factor. It's irrelevant when it comes to things of the heart and such. In my mind, being in love at 16 with your best friend isn't hard, try being pregnant at 15 years-old now that's hard.

During our free period Santana was all smiles as we doodled in our marble notebook. She freely wrote out little hearts with 'B' and 'S' all over the pages. At one point she even told me that she was grateful for our, hopefully, new found friendship. I didn't tell her, but I was happy for it as well. It was something I hadn't realized I missed very much. But considering I had never really had any real friends other than her and Brittany I guess I would never really over think being alone so much.

I passed Brittany in the hallway during sixth period and she smiled at me with an over excited wave and told me we needed to hangout this weekend. I grinned to myself as she practically skipped to class, probably the only time I had ever seen the girl that happy about going to a classroom. Perhaps she just forgot where she was, but then again, the place she was in at that moment was not a physical place. She was in love, and who wouldn't be happy to be there.

But even with all of the happy go lucky faces, over enthusiastic use of the English language from both girls, Santana became a lot chattier during out classes together, it was just as though they were best friends, and that's it. I don't know, after everything that had gone down I thought that Santana would be proving herself to Brittany. Proving that she wanted to do this, no smoke and mirrors, but straight up and down do this out right.

I was afraid that they were going to fall right back into everything that they had before. The whole 'I love you but keep me a secret' thing, which clearly did not work for either one of them considering the mess they had fallen into. I feared that everything both of them had worked hard for, what I had worked hard for them to achieve, for them to see, was slowly going to back track and they'd be right back where they started.

I know Santana's scared of the talk behind her back, maybe even a slushy facial or a few and how different people may treat her. But sometimes it doesn't matter and you have to suck it up and take it as it comes because when it comes down to it, it's who is next to you through it all. And I know that Brittany would stand beside her through anything and everything. That's one of her best qualities.

So before last period on Friday, I wasn't surprised to find them standing kind of quiet at their lockers. At my locker I was obviously aware of the weird yet not so weird and definitely not subtle glances the two were throwing each other. The tension permeating the hallway was so thick I could literally feel it on my skin and I could taste it, it was everywhere. To anyone passing by it would go unnoticed, but I guess because I know everything, I was on the edge of my seat in a way waiting for something to happen, to be said, anything for God sakes. But I can't blame them for wanting to take all of this slow, they've done everything at a snail's pace thus far anyhow.

I can't help but think that guys have this radar in their brain, unbeknownst to them of course, that tells them to interrupt deep and meaningful moments at the worst times. Like whenever there is alone time to be needed between people, especially girls a guy just slips right on in stealing the focus and thus, stealing the moment.

Puck came over, seemingly out of nowhere, sliding into the small space between Santana and Brittany. He leans against the locker separating the two and grips onto his backpack that is halfway hanging off of his shoulder. I see him tip his chin up to Santana and his eyes are saying 'hey baby', which, really? Puck needs some new moves.

Her hand hesitates on the door of her locker and I see Brittany's eyes search hers and then look down. Puck starts talking about some party or something else 'macho' and distracts Santana's attention from Brittany momentarily. I see Brittany shut her locker and stand there for a second, probably wondering if she is supposed to wait for Puck to leave or maybe for Santana to push him aside. But when neither one of those things happen I understand why I haven't seen or heard of anything since that 'Santana concert of love'.

Santana was obviously still scared of everything. I could read it on Brittany's face, the way her eyes tentatively moved from Santana and away from the boy blocking her from the girl she loved. She turned around and started walking away, and I wondered if Santana was even seeing what I was seeing.

"So…" Puck was still talking, oblivious to the fact that no one ever listens to him, I roll my eyes and turn my attention back to my locker because anything is more interesting than hearing him talk. "Since then, all I've been thinking…." Santana shuts her locker which stops his most likely lame attempt at trying to get her to go back to his place after school.

"Hey Britt." I hear Santana call out which makes my head whip up back to the scene before me. She pulls away from Puck and jogs over to Brittany who turns when Santana gets closer.

They stand there for an odd amount of time looking at one another. I take note to Santana nervously opening and closing her mouth and shifting from foot to foot while Brittany stands there and waits. Puck has turned to face them at this point pretty clueless to everything and Santana looks back to him but quickly looks back to Brittany. She hesitates, for a split second, before she lifts her hands reaching around Brittany's head to her ponytail.

"You better tighten this a little more or Quinn will have a fit." She sighs out.

I can hear the amusement in her voice as she jokes and I shake my head. Brittany lets her play with her ponytail and watches her intently. Santana keeps her hands there fiddling with blonde hair for longer than necessary and then she stops shuffling her feet, she breathes out and she stops moving her hands through B's hair.

They're motionless and quiet for a brief moment but it feels like they have had an entire conversation.

Santana pulls her hands away from Brittany's pony resting them on her cheeks, cupping Brittany's face in her hands. They stand like that for a few seconds, probably taking in the meaning of every action taking place right now. Santana takes a small half step to Brittany leaning in and up slowly and gently presses her lips to her best friends.

I feel a small smile tug at the corner of my lips and I comfortably lean against my locker. From my peripheral vision I see Puck's shoulders slump a little and his head tilt to the side and I do my best to suppress my laughter. But I'm able to focus more on my subjects when he shrugs and walks the other way.

When Santana pulls away Brittany has this serene smile on and her eyes sparkle when they pop open. Santana grins back at her letting her hands fall from her cheeks and lifting one only to rub her thumb across Brittany's bottom lip.

"So," Santana breaks their comfortable silence, sliding her hand down Brittany's arm and taking her hand in her own. "I was thinking that tonight we go out on a legit date." She relays to Brittany as she leads her down the hallway and I smile to myself. I don't hear the rest of the conversation, but I don't need to.

As I watch them walk away and slip between other students and faculty, with their hands clasped together and all smiles and close whispers, I wonder.

Santana had spent so much time trying to bury her feelings deep down not only in herself but with all of those boys she had been with. Thinking about it now, it's a sad state of affairs when you force yourself into a situational relationship just to save face as well as your feelings.

I find myself standing outside of the weight room where I see Sam standing in front of the mirror pinching at the sides of his stomach. He looks pretty into whatever it is he is thinking or doing for that matter. I just watch him for a few minutes.

I wouldn't put myself through half of the things Santana had for this guy. I wouldn't drink a bottle of Jack to feel numb because the thought of him with someone else was too much to handle. And like Brittany, I wouldn't be spurred by his inability to act like a human being to go off and date someone to make him jealous. And I most definitely would not sit alone in an auditorium and sing songs for him or write cute things on foggy mirrors for him.

I'm not going to be delusional into thinking I'm never going to find that thing that Santana and Brittany have. I'd like to remain optimistic when it comes to matters of the heart I guess. You shouldn't be bitter until at least your first divorce, i.e. Mr. and Mrs. Fabray. But I'm also not delusional enough to think that I'm going to find any of what they have for each other in Sam, or with him.

It was probably selfish to even get involved with him in the first place. It had been a long, long year last year and the summer was like my recovery time of heartbreak and loss. I guess the first person to pop up on my radar was him, though looking back it was rather forced. He was quick with his love declaration and I know in my heart of hearts I could never and would never return the sentiment. I'd even go as far to say he would never actually fall in love with me for real either. Like I had said before, I think he just loves the idea of me and maybe in some way, I loved the idea of him. At one point anyway.

But I know what I have to do, and for once in my entire life, something like this was actually easy.

He didn't say anything. He just looked at me and nodded a few times. His eyes looked a little sad but I assume that is something to be expected. It's never a good feeling to have someone break up with you. But, he didn't beg for me to give him another chance and didn't ask me if it was something he did. He accepted my words at face value, and for that I was grateful. Considering I couldn't really decipher my feelings it was comforting not to have to try and relay my brain and my heart to someone else.

My way home was so different than the days prior. There was a little hop in my step, I felt a small pleased smile spread across my face and I took a deep breath of the oddly warm winter day. Snow was finally melting away preparing us for spring to soon come upon us and I couldn't be happier for the change in season. It felt meaningful.

* * *

On Saturday I got a text message from Kurt inviting me over to watch a movie with him and Blaine. He told me that Santana and Brittany were coming over and I caught myself smiling into the phone. I was pleased to hear that news. I was on my way to Kurt's when I realized I was going to be the fifth wheel of some really strange gay double date gathering.

For literally a hot second I had almost wished I wasted time in breaking up with Sam, because then I would have someone to drag along with me. But I quickly shook my head to get that thought out of my mind, I didn't need a stupid boy beside me for things like this. In fact I didn't really need anyone, but I did realize that maybe someone else did need me.

Before I even realized it I was walking up the steps of Rachel Berry's front porch. She was surprised to find me on her front steps but smiled none the less. I suggested she come and join us, Rachel's another one who doesn't really have friends, but I know her and Kurt get along so it wouldn't really be all that awkward.

"Thanks for inviting me." Rachel says as we turn on to Kurt's block. I shrug my shoulders and was close to saying 'you'd have done the same', but I didn't because there was no truth to that statement.

"No problem." I tell her. "I know I've been a bitch to you for most of our lives, but…" I glance over to her just in time to see her nod at my statement. "You're really not that bad." She turns her head to face me and she smiles, and I know right then that I have another friend and it feels so much better than I thought it would.

The six of us sit in Kurt's basement and watch some stupid horror movie that Santana picked out. I caught Rachel eyeing Brittany and Santana a few times with a small smile of approval and envy, I shared her feelings. They were cutely sitting side by side, Brittany had one leg draped over Santana's and their hands never left each other. They whispered into the other's ears and giggled, clearly not paying attention to the movie, but I don't think tonight the movie with friends was really the point.

I think that it was Santana proving to Brittany that they could be_ them_ in front of people. I don't think I had ever really seen either of them as happy and comfortable. I felt movement beside me and when I turned my head Rachel was right by my face and she whispered 'they are really the most adorable couple'. I smiled, glanced over at them briefly before turning my attention back to Rachel.

"Yeah, I know." I sighed with a bit of relief because finally after all this time someone else could really see what they had been hiding for so long.

It wasn't about being able to make out in public, or show off their relationship, it was simply just being able to be open about it. They weren't showing anything off the point was they weren't hiding it. I too envied this and I wondered if I would ever find something so natural and real for myself.

Afterwards, Rachel and I walked with Brittany and Santana. We trailed a little behind them, I knew both of us still had such a approving smiles on our faces as watched them walk down the street hand in hand.

"I think you're too good for Finn." I told her and she quickly shot her head up towards me. I could read her expression and it was kind of shock. "Hear me out." I let out. "You are smart, talented and, well you're pretty Rachel." I explain and I can sense her waiting for a 'but' to come out of my mouth. "And yeah, I mean Finn's a good guy, most of the time, he's just not up there with you. I think you're too good for him, and maybe that's just my opinion."

"Why are you telling me this?" She hesitantly asks and I look her in the eyes and shrug my shoulders.

"Because friends tell each other the truth." I said easily enough.

I got distracted by the two girls in front of us laughing, which I was grateful for because I knew Rachel's brain was probably spinning. We had never really been friendly, ever. But I could feel that we had a connection, maybe mentally we were on the same page and I could feel that. I could sense her appreciation for the word friendship that I had thrown out there and I know, I appreciated the sentiment as well. Who would have thought that this journey would have brought me a friend in Rachel Berry?

* * *

Before homeroom the three of us were bullshitting, just wasting time before the warning bell rang. Rachel had come over and joined in on conversation. It would figure that when things were going so smooth and so right that a bump in the road needs to happen, and that bump was in the shape of one Dave Karofsky. He was walking by our lockers and eyed up Brittany and Santana and then Rachel and myself.

"Wow, guess Glee club doesn't just turn guys into flaming gaymos but turns the girls too." He spit out, stopping briefly so that he could get all of his words out, and of course Azimio was right behind him laughing. I looked to Santana who had looked down at her feet and Brittany who looked at Santana, I could see disappointment in her blue eyes. "Sylvester is going to have to change her squads name to the 'Queerio's'." He laughed and continued to walk away.

"Oh wow that was original." I shouted at him loud enough for him to hear but he didn't come back to fight with me about me talking back.

"What a jerk." Rachel shook her head and turned to me, I could tell she was disgusted at his disregard for other people's lifestyles and his lack of filter.

"Well what do you expect from a meat head like that?" I shrugged my shoulder's because someone like Karofsky was just a lost cause and really didn't deserve to be paid attention to when spitting out hateful things like that.

I looked back over to the couple who had shared in the harsh words and Santana was still looking to the ground and was shaking her head. Brittany was taking deep breathes, I'm sure to help let her understand that her and Santana were still in the beginnings of being a couple.

"Whatever, he's an ass." Santana finally spoke up lifting her head, glancing down the hallway at the asshole's retreating figure. "Umm, I'll see you later?" She asked Brittany who tentatively smiled and nodded. Brittany leaned in to give Santana a quick peck on the lips but at the last second she turned and Brittany caught her cheek. "Come on Rach." She said and dragged Rachel away to get to homeroom.

I just tried to make it seem like it wasn't a big deal, it's understandable and all really. So I pulled on Brittany's arm and led her with me to our homeroom and our first period class, not once bringing up what had happened. Spanish class was so boring, I seriously could not pay attention what so ever. Brittany was beside me and I could tell that her mind, like always when it came to this class, was somewhere else. I knew where it was too, which I think is what aided in my own thought disruption.

"B, don't worry about it." I whispered to her. She smiled at me and nodded. "It's still an adjustment and she's been doing so well. You know she loves you, she says it all the time." I assured her.

Before she could even respond or I could add something else there was a light knock at the classroom door. I could feel one of my eyebrows quirk up when I saw Santana standing in the doorway. Mr. Schu looked over and he turned to walk over to her.

"Yeah?" He asked, which I thought was highly unintelligible for a teacher to say to a student, but I guess since we are always together as a group in Glee formalities are moot.

"Mr. Schu, sorry to interrupt but there's something I have to give to Brittany." Santana told him quietly, she didn't want to make a scene as they spoke hushed by the door. He looks over at the Brittany who was staring at the two in front of the room curiously.

"Santana can't you wait to gossip with Brittany at lunch?" Mr. Schu joked but only he laughs. When he realizes he's not funny at all, Santana's eye roll and sigh helped a lot, he stood up and crossed his arms. "Is it Spanish related?" He asked knowing that the answer was no. Santana looked over at Brittany and grinned.

"Okay, yeah, something like that." She said softly and walked between the rows me and B were sitting in. She stopped at Brittany's desk and placed her hands on her desk leaning down slightly. "B you forgot this, this morning." She told her and before Brittany could even respond Santana's lips were on her best friends, no wait scratch that. She was kissing her girlfriend.

Some people gasped, I heard a few boys say something about it being hot, but I thought it was sweet. When she pulled away Brittany had this expression of pride and awe and Santana wiped her thumb across her own lips as she stood up.

"See you later babe." She said and then she walked out of the class. Mr. Schu hushed the class, but I kept my eyes and full attention on Brittany who still had that silly smile on her face.

It was amazing. After holding everything in for so long, keeping things locked away and hidden Santana was finally able to let go. And I realized that we all care too much about the little things like about whether or not we are dating the right person, whether we will be homecoming or prom queen, if we will get the solo or if we will get hurt. But once we stop caring about those stupid truly insignificant things, we can actually find happiness, peace, friendship and sometimes if we're lucky, love.

**THE END**


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